Name any product and odds are you can find a “sexy” version of it. Most, like golf balls and paperclips, are just gag gifts. But some everyday items have sexy versions that people are actually supposed to find appealing. Their intention is art and eroticism. The result is hilarity and horror. Observe:
1. Letter Openers
Letter openers are old-fashioned—owning one can give you a sense of class and sophistication from a bygone era. Unless you buy a naked lady letter opener, then you look stupid.
It’s supposed to be erotic, but all we can think is, “Oh crap, that girl’s about to get chopped right the fuck in half.” That prospect will only turn on a very, very small subset of men, and they get their mail opened by their prison warden.
Ladies, there’s one for you, too:
Now every time you open a letter you can slash a guy’s junk. Perfect for divorce papers!
Candles are a staple of any romantic dinner. Why not go the extra mile and make your date more erotic with a candle shaped like a throbbing erection?
Oh, because it looks creepy as all hell. A wax erection is something a serial killer would own. Seriously—potential buyers are invited to “watch the wax melt and trickle down the shaft of the penis as it burns.” Jesus Christ, no thanks.
If you like the idea of owning a boner candle but want it to be personalized, you can make your own with a mold. You’re also insane.
Burn your candle hard-on in the bedroom, save it for a sexy power outage or use it in a child traumatizing Halloween pumpkin. Your penis has never been more versatile! Or flammable.
3. Candle Holders
Of course, what good is a candle without a candle holder? Don’t stick your wax dong in any old hole—give it the respect it deserves with a candle holder inspired by Japanese erotic drawings (the old fashioned kind, not tentacle porn).
You have to contact the art studio that makes it for pricing, which is a polite way of saying that it will be far and away the most expensive candle holder you’ve ever purchased. But when your friends ask you why you have a wax penis nestled in an image of ancient Japanese people boning you can tell them, “it’s art, you prude.”
4. Clothes Hangers
For generations, people have had to put up with clothes hangers that weren’t sexy. Countless men and women hung their clothes on hangers that didn’t look like genitals, and their lives were lesser for it. But one day a brilliant artist looked at his hangers and said to himself, “Hey, these kind of look like vaginas.” The rest is history:
They cost 50 dollars apiece, but the ability to hang your jeans on a vagina is priceless. Because let’s face it—if you’re the sort of person who buys a vagina clothes hanger, it will be as close as your pants ever get to one.
You know how some soap is advertised as being all-natural? Well, nothing is more all-natural than sex. If that line of reasoning makes sense to you, you’re the man who invented dick soap.
The soaps come in many varieties, including “Steamy Strawberry” and “Penetrating Pomegranate.” There’s even a promo video, despite the fact that no man alive wants to watch a 13 minute slideshow of genital soap set to shitty techno.
Each variety promises a health benefit, ranging from soft skin or acne removal to the rather bold claim of cancer prevention. Then there’s “Bodacious Baby Powder,” which says, “The scent of baby will linger on your skin for the entire day!” Yes, let’s associate huge cocks with babies. Christ, why not just introduce “Pedophile Pineapple”?
Once upon a time, smoking was considered sexy. Why not bring back those halcyon days with a pair of solid sterling silver lighters shaped like naked people?
Sorry, shaped like parts of naked people. The lack of arms and legs kind of kills the eroticism, as does the fact that they’ve been decapitated and their necks spew fire. Wait, isn’t there a Japanese porno about people like that?
Not to be too pedantic about a pair of pornographic cigarette lighters, but there’s something seriously wrong with that disembodied torso’s boner. It’s the little details like that that make an otherwise normal erotic lighter just look ridiculous.
If you’re going to buy erotic cigarette lighters you might as well get an ashtray to go with them. Then you just need some penis shaped cigars and you’re good to go.
This handcrafted, polyresin figure will make your already unpopular smoking habit look even more repulsive. But don’t stop there—if a traditional full-bodied couple having sex is too conventional for you, you can purchase this half-man, half-ashtray monstrosity instead.
Holy shit! That looks like a horror movie monster! If this ashtray never seems to be in the place where you left it, that’s because it comes alive at night and teabags you in your sleep.
Any pervert can make a necklace shaped like a penis, but it takes talent to make your dick necklace classy.
At first glance it’s just a butterfly, but look closer and BAM! Penises everywhere. Aw, and look! They’re even ejaculating! That’s the sort of subtle touch that separates this piece from your run of the mill genital jewelry. Of course, that level of sophistication doesn’t come cheap—this 14 karat gold plated necklace will set you back 210 dollars. But can you really put a price on that special moment when you fasten this around your girlfriend’s neck?
9. Tea Sets
Tea is one of humanity’s oldest and most revered beverages. We’ve been enjoying it for thousands of years, but someone decided that wasn’t good enough—we need to be aroused by it, too.
The more of your tea you drink the more of the woman you reveal, which we guess functions as incentive for people who don’t otherwise enjoy tea, and are also desperately lonely. It’s part of a set, so you can invite a few friends over and host the world’s saddest tea party.
But at least it’s kind of tasteful, which is more than can be said for this pot…
…which is what Hannibal Lecter would own. It comes with cups, a milk jug and a sugar bowl, all of which feature disembodied legs. The sugar bowl even looks like a murder scene.
We’ll actually pass on that sugar, thanks.
If there’s one thing a nice home cooked meal lacks, it’s an underlying element of eroticism. Luckily, you can fix that flaw in your meals with a nudie plate.
That plate is one of four in the “Naked Lunch” set, because nothing goes better with erotic art than puns. Designed by the award winning Charles S. Anderson Design, the plates are guaranteed to make family dinners awkward or your lonely bachelor mac and cheese even sadder.
If a tasteful nude is too restrained for you, you can abandon all subtlety and purchase a plate with a blunter message:
Each one is “lovingly hand painted.” “With semen” is merely implied.
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