Hef called yesterday. He said, “Jim, I swear, I love this new MP3 player the bunnies got me, it’s all loaded up with their favorite albums and such. But see, what I really need is a good old-fashioned PLAY LIST, a soundtrack to a day in my life, so I don’t even have to think about what to listen to. Always the right song for the right part of my day. You’re my guy, Jim. Make it happen.”
Now while I don’t normally take requests I just couldn’t pass on meeting this gentleman’s needs, somehow. I dredged the archive, and reacquainted myself with the lifestyle of said Hef, to make sure the tunes match up with the daily dandying. I’ve added some hints for those of us who are merely on our way to being a global magnate. Here’s what I came up with.
This heavily screwed jam describes the Hef sunrise perfect, moving at just the right pace for a few stretches and a quick back rub. It also works if your morning routine consists of lifting the cat off your face and scratching.
DJ SCREW – WE DEEP
The water goes up the pipes, and then falls down on you. Will miracles never cease? Turning on your sense of wonder at the magical properties of the world we live in will make you just like Hef. Then turn the water to COLD for those last few seconds as the Beatles riff rips and you’re ready to towel off and pour your first drink.
BEASTIE BOYS – SOUNDS OF SCIENCE
The video is set at night, but you need this song NOW. Breakfast is a make or break moment for everyone, even you-know-who.
SURVIVOR – EYE OF THE TIGER
Hef’s morning commute is from the breakfast nook to wherever he wants. Yours might be a little more determinate, but this song will make it feel like the Exodus. Prog rock was one big adventure, man.
YES – HEART OF THE SUNRISE
First business call of the day:
Get your game face on, it’s dog-eat-dog out there. Hef doesn’t make a call till he’s ready to give them the Goldfingaaaaah treatment.
SHIRLEY BASSEY – GOLDFINGER
Second drink, first screening:
Whether it’s a Mint Julep and a art film in the mansion’s theatre, or weak joe and a cat video, this song is the perfect accompaniment to that first time of the day when you check in with your melancholy and ruminate on the deeper consequences of that first call.
MADONNA – DEEPER AND DEEPER
Late morning break after more calls:
“Whatch you tryna hand me?” Take 15. Or go for a horseback ride. Or put some clothes on. You’re in the day now.
JAMES GANG – FUNK #49
Are you hungry? I’m starving. People who live right do long lunches. Long like the sandwich I’m gonna stuff into my face at my desk once I figure out how to print this spreadsheet. If I keep up like this, I’ll have to size up!
SIR MENELIK – 7XL
After-lunch energy fade:
Keep those spirits up! Like the English! And all that.
GOLDFRAPP – HAPPINESS
Mid-afternoon trip upstairs to ask for a promotion:
Hef will put this on for his afternoon drive to the beach in his Alfa Romeo. You’ve been at that desk for more than six hours! You gonna sit there and take this, or you gonna do somethin’ about it? Be cool, and DO IT, baby. Nut up and ask for those week-of-the-long-weekend vacation days. Take four, get nine. It’s your time.
CURTIS MAYFIELD – MOVE ON UP
4 PM celebration time:
While 4 PM might not mean a whole lot to Hef (he might be picking up a case of champagne, or suggesting someone else do this), you’re already filing things for tomorrow like it’s 4:55. Get numb! One hour left! Celebrate! Anesthetic!
BECK – NOVACANE
Watching the 5 o’clock news:
Hef likes to stay up to date with the news, and so should you. This song, although dated, will remind you that you are all over what’s going on everywhere in the world all the time.
OUTKAST – BOMBS OVER BAGHDAD
Leave that work mess behind you. Everything is bleeding in this song. Let it bleed. The only person in the world who should take their work home is Hef.
THE DOORS – PEACE FROG
6 PM, aka “Tux Time”:
Well it’s 6 PM, time to ease into that tux. Hef may prefer to throw on his smoking jacket, but for some of us that’s just a little too new-fangled, we like to stick with traditions that have stood the test of time.
BEASTIE BOYS – HEY LADIES
Tough to strike the right note at supper. Classical will put you to sleep, but big shiny tunes will get you jangled and low-sugar. Good country has interesting lyrics which might start a good conversation, and a nice mellow lilt. Easy to talk over, but you don’t have to.
JOHNNY CASH – FOLSOM PRISON BLUES
Driving to the party:
More Doors! They’re so good. This video demonstrates the proper technique for getting to your party, and your friends in the back seat will love it. If the party is putting the kids to sleep, remind them that this is how they’ll turn out if they stay up too late.
THE DOORS – L.A. WOMAN
Walking into the room:
Whether your den tonight is a big fancy nightclub, or just, well, a den, you’ve gotta make the right impression. Go big or go home. This song has a perfect rhythm for strutting towards a bar or an easychair.
BLACK SABBATH – N.I.B.
Fading at 10 PM:
When it all starts to fall apart at around 10, either cause the music sucks or you’re doing your taxes, get in touch with the truth of the matter; we’re all bottoming out in one way or another, all the time. It’s ok. Crash your motorcycle, get up, back on the hog, and keep goin. Floss tonight. Even your doctor thinks you’re lucky at this point.
LOU REED – BOTTOMING OUT
Peaking at 12:
This tune is magic. Go for it, now or never, nothing to lose. On the dance floor, or in the sack with the lights out.
DONNA SUMMER – I FEEL LOVE
In Hef’s world, it’s, “Comrades, to bed. Another perfect day awaits us.” In your world maybe it’s more like “Honey what the hell are you doing up? Oreos? Now? To this music?”
WAGNER – TANNHAUSER OVERTURE
Share your perfect day tunes in the comments section, y’all!