Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories From the Past Week that We Almost Feel Comfortable Joking About

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The biggest news of the week was that former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky has been molesting boys and the school took steps to cover it up. There are a ton of implications with the story, namely how Joe Paterno’s legacy will be reflected. But it’s hard not to think it could have been avoided. First, having a name like Jerry Sandusky should have been a huge tip-off that the guy was probably into molesting. And second, there’s nothing funny about molesting kids and I even feel slightly uncomfortable about making a Joe Pa/hard candy joke.

Writing for The Smoking Jacket comes with a set of responsibilities that I knew one day would be tested. Let’s face it. No one dreams of writing child rape jokes. But such is the struggle of a 21st century journalist. So I decided I’m going to do exactly what Penn State did and pretty much ignore the entire thing.

Here are 10 stories from the past week I relatively tastefully danced around.

1. Penn State assistant coach involved in molestation scandal…

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This might explain why the Penn 15 play kept getting called.

2. Joe Paterno’s exit reportedly in the works…

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They just have to finish building all the handicapped ramps for him to get out. Joe Paterno old jokes are still cool, right?

3. LSU wins Game of the Century…

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This is confirmed for the worst century ever.

4. Smokin’ Joe Frazier dies…

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Amazingly it wasn’t lung cancer. I have no idea who Smokin’ Joe Frazier was.

5. Tim Tebow leads Broncos over the Raiders…

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A couple days after everyone thought he was dead, he miraculously came back to life and proved doubters wrong. Just like Kenny McCormick.

6. Packers move to 8-0…

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It’s cool playing all the rest of the games and all, but let’s face it. The Packer’s are never losing. The NFL is too mediocre and they’re too solid.

7. Colts move to 0-9…

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On the other hand, I refuse to believe the Colts are as bad as the 2008 defeated Lions. If I was a person with the ability to do number stuff, I would calculate the odds of an undefeated and completely defeated team happening in the same season and it would be ridiculous.

8. I officially don’t know what conference any college team is in anymore…

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Thankfully there’s a computer to keep track of those kind of things and how good each team is.

9. NBA players don’t want to play basketball ever again…

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And why would you with a Kardashian on the market?

10. Ex-NHL player says league has a steroids problem…

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As long as there is a team in Sunrise, Florida, this will not be anywhere near their worst problem.

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