Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories of the Past Week That Lasted Longer Than We Expected

humpdash

So Kim Kardashian and that basketball player guy got divorced after being married for 72 days. I know, right? How did it last so long?

The real culprit here is the NBA lockout. Let’s face it. The worst part about being in any sort of relationship is being forced to spend a lot of time with that person. Since Kim doesn’t actually have a job and Kris Humphries is also jobless, they had nothing to do but to spend time with each other.

Here’s my plea to David Stern and Billy Hunter: Get this thing done. Look what you are doing to previously hardworking Americans like HumpDash. You guys are tearing us apart. One marriage was shattered because of your thoughtless negotiations already, surely countless others are to follow. And now poor Kris doesn’t even have a job to go back to.

We need to do something about this. People should take to the streets and do something about the greed of a small percentage of people ruining the NBA for everyone else.

Here are other surprisingly long stories from this week.

1. Kim Kardashian Divorces Kris Humphries…

“Yes! Kris Humphries is back on the market!” said no one.

2. Tony La Russa Retires…

He went through six different pens filling out the paperwork based on the situation.

3. Philip Rivers Fumbles, Loses The Game…

On the bright side, his Tony Romo costume was by far the best of any athlete.

4. Yankees Sign CC Sabathia To A $122 Million Deal…

He was going to test the market until the Yankees explained to him the deal was worth 121 million McDoubles.

5. “Field of Dreams” Property Sold…

It was purchased by Dr. Graham but the deal fell apart when he turned into Archie during the credit check.

6. Tim Horton’s Sponsors The NHL All-Star Game…

Somehow, NASCAR wasn’t interested in a Tim Horton’s sponsorship.

7. Raffi Torres Dresses In Blackface As Jay-Z for Halloween…

Meanwhile, Jay-Z dressed as a guy who had never heard of Raffi Torres for Halloween.

8. Rob Gronkowski Tweets Picture With Porn Star…

E! immediately contacted him about getting a reality show.

9. Joe Paterno Wins His 409th Game…

He’s averaging a win for every year of his life now.

10. OSU Last Minute TD Beats Wisconsin…

The Badgers are worse at finishing than Antoni Gaudi!! Oh snap! Spanish architecture humor! This will never happen again, I promise.

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