Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories That Totally Speak Your Language

Over the last couple months, I think I’ve wrote about Tim Tebow pretty much every one of them. My initial reaction was to not like the guy, not so much because of his religious stance but because he was a bad quarterback and getting undeserved chances.

Shortly thereafter, I became wrapped up in Tebowmania. All the comebacks. The winning streak. It was too good to be true. Mostly because it wasn’t true.

When the Patriots and Broncos played each other, it was the first real test of the Tim Tebow Miracle Show. And even better, it was Tebow vs. Tom Brady, formerly known for comebacks and winning and stuff. But the two couldn’t be different. One likes God, the other basically is. One has lots of sex, the other is Tim Tebow. One is good at being a quarterback, the other isn’t. And the game played out pretty much how people expected: the Broncos showed the were a complete fluke, Tebow isn’t very good at throwing footballs, and Tom Brady is super good at throwing footballs.

Tebowmania is dead. There was a collective, “Oh right, so that’s over” moment. Now maybe we can finally move on with our lives and Tim Tebow can begin his transition into ex-NFL player-turned-expensive public speaker.

Here are ten other stories from this week which God wasn’t paying attention to.

1. Tebow loses!

 After the game, Tom Brady thanked God for the sex with Gisele he was about to have.

2. Sam Hurd arrested for trying to buy a bunch of drugs

 Suddenly, the all of the Bears personnel decisions start to make sense.

3. Chris Paul traded for real this time

Not too bad of a deal for the Hornets. But as far as the NBA is concerned, David Stern has proven he’s just as bad at pretending to be a GM as he is pretending to have control of his league.

4. Bonds placed under house arrest

If Bonds was good at one thing, it was getting free passes.

5. Vanessa Bryant divorces Kobe

 When asked for a reason why Vanessa replied, “We just don’t work well together but we will remain close friends. And the rape thing. Mostly the rape thing.”

6. Packers lose!

 As a result, the $250 shares in the Packers took a huge fall. Mostly because people realized they spent $250 on a piece of paper.

7. Colts win!

 Now they have a Manning/Luck/Orlovsky controversy on their hands.

8. Knicks sign Baron Davis

 Davis said he wanted to sign with the Knicks after hearing it was called the ‘Big Apple.’ He’s fat.

9. Canadians hire non-French speaking coach, French press boycotts

 Let’s be honest, they’ll probably just give up in a couple more days, not a big deal.

10. Rangers win Yu Darvish posting rights

 He teams with Alexi Ogando to form the most Bond villain sounding pitching staff in history.