Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories Of The Past Week Because We Love Sports Even Though Miami Doesn’t

This was a strange week in sports. Sure, the usual things happened. The Packers won, Tim Tebow lead a late comeback, Jerry Sandusky is still being talked about a little.

But most of the attention this week was focused on Miami. And not even on the Heat.

The Marlins, one of the most successful/worst franchises in sports history, have decided that with their new name, uniforms, and stadium, that they are all the sudden the New York Yankees South.

So they go ahead and sign Jose Reyes and Heath Bell. And it looks like Albert Pujols is on the way too.

I’ve watched sports for a while. And I’ve learned one thing. Miami hates sports. Just because they have a new fancy stadium and some new players doesn’t mean they’re going to start doing things like ‘getting fans’ or ‘making money.’ But you really can’t fault the Marlins for trying, even if it’s a terrible, terrible idea.

Here are 10 stories from the last week also taking their talents to South Beach.

1. Pujols offered a 10-year deal with the Marlins

No word on which team the other seven years of the deal will be spent with.

2. Chris Paul wants to be traded to Knicks

 Essentially for this to work they’d need to have Melo, Amare and no other plays under contract. So it’s pretty much a given this will happen.

3. Red Sox hire Bobby Valentine

 Which is great. Now the Red Sox can have wraps with their beer. I didn’t know about this before. Couldn’t like Bobby V more now.

4. Donovan McNabb released from the Vikings

It wasn’t so much of a release as it was a hard fall. Donovan McNabb is fat.

5. Mariano Rivera has throat surgery

 Hopefully it will allow him to talk now.

6. Magic Johnson wants to buy the Dodgers

 Meanwhile, millions want to buy Magic’s AIDS cure.

7. Ndamukong Suh crashes car into a tree early Saturday morning

 He just can’t help himself with the late hits.

8. Madonna to perform at the Super Bowl halftime

 After the Janet Jackson fiasco, it’s amazing they’re going back to such a culturally irrelevant singer.

9. Tim Tebow wins again

 I can’t joke about him anymore. I’m converted. Whatever is happening in Denver is really a miracle. Until the playoffs come and he gets completely blown out like all these stories end.

10. NHL plans dramatic realignment

Or as far as most Americans are aware, it’ll just be ‘alignment.’