Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories That Are Never Going Away From the Last Week

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You know how Keith Richards just won’t die? That’s kind of like sports news lately. The Jerry Sandusky story just keeps trucking along (I said “trucking” guys) and it’s becoming abundantly clear there won’t be an NBA season.

Worse yet, neither of these stories are going away. Michael Jackson died years ago and finally his news story died last week. Sandusky will probably go to trial and do more and more TV interviews for years. You already know Joe Paterno isn’t going anywhere.

And now the NBA owners are trying to see how long they can keep people barely paying attention to the whole lockout deal. Tepid doesn’t even begin to describe the interest level in the lockout. It’s more like having a goldfish for a long period of time. You know, like two years. You care just enough to barely keep it alive and then one week you go on vacation and it’s floating at the top of the fishbowl.

There’s more to sports than Penn State and basketball players not playing. Unfortunately, that’s hockey. So we’ll keep running with them.

Here are the ten sports stories that are never going away from the last week.

1. Ashton Kutcher stops tweeting after accidentally supporting Paterno…

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Apparently there is one way the world benefits from child rape supporters. Really the saddest thing about this is I just figured out what “aplusk” meant.

2. Jerry Sandusky gives first public interview…

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He should have learned doing things in public is generally a bad idea. If there’s one way to make people think you didn’t rape kids, saying you horsed around with them in the shower and touched their legs would probably be toward the bottom of the list.

3. NBA players plan to decertify union…

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The owners responded by making a counterproposal to not pay the players and make the hoops 11 feet tall.

4. Matt Schaub out for the year…

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Matt Leinart will be the new quarterback. That was the punch line.

5. Muhammad Ali attends Joe Fraziers funeral…

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He was a little shook up.

6. Wilson Ramos kidnapped, rescued…

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He was returned once they realized he was Wilson Ramos and not someone famous.

7. Shawn Bradley’s bike stolen, recovered…

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And “Space Jam 2: Giant Custom Bikes in Space” just wrote itself.

8. Craig Kimbrel named NL ROY…

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He had it wrapped up pretty much all season but you had to be surprised he didn’t blow it at the last second.

9. Miami Marlins unveil new uniforms…

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The inspiration was “thousands upon thousands of empty seats.”

10. Justin Verlander wins the Cy Young Award…

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Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky won the Young Sighs Award. I’m here every week, folks.

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