There’s really no reason for sports to exist after this week. The biggest story ever happened this week.
Jorge Posada didn’t play in a game.
That’s right. THE Jorge Posada, he of the .165 average, didn’t play. Supposedly he was offended with hitting ninth in the order so he asked to be taken out of the game. Or his back was hurt. Or he wanted a mental day off. Either way, it marks the end of the Yankees, baseball and probably democracy as we know it. This is what the plague must have been like.
Yet somehow, this story went underreported. Sure, ESPN gave it non-stop coverage for days, but was that really enough? Just imagine the insanity it would have caused if he played for a team that gets media coverage like the San Diego Padres and not the New York Yankees. It probably would have sent big enough shockwaves that the San Andreas Fault would have gone off, leaving half of California somewhere in the middle of the Pacific.
Although it was the only story of the week, some other stuff did happen too. Here are the stories most deserving of a day off (click the pics to read more about each story).
1 – 70. Jorge Posada asks to be taken out of a game
Whenever a guy who’s job it is to only hit can’t hit and doesn’t want to, the world momentarily stands still. Obama is so lucky this didn’t happen the day they got bin Laden.
71. The Miami Heat beat the Boston Celtics
It just goes to show you, when you have three huge stars, you can beat a significantly older team with four huge stars on it.
72. The Miami Heat get destroyed by the Chicago Bulls
It just goes to show you, when you have three huge stars, you can get beat by a significantly better team.
73. Taj Gibson dunks over D-Wade, later does crazy put-back dunk
If only he jumped over the three-foot high front of a car instead they could have been a good dunks.
74. Manchester United wins the EPL
Meanwhile, millions of Americans tried to decipher the ‘EPL’ acronym.
75. Chad Johnson rides a bull for 1.5 seconds
You’d think a guy who made his career out of doing stunts full of bull would have been a pro at this.
76. A golf ball was developed to eliminate slices
The straightest thing to happen to golf since Tiger Woods.
77. John Lackey is bad at pitching
“To be honest, everything in my life sucks right now,” Lackey said, wiping away his tears with a $100 bill.
78. Vin Mazzaro gives up 14 earned runs in 2.1 innings
On the bright side, he’s way less emo than John Lackey. And got a free trip from Kansas City to Omaha. Upgrade, right?
79. Oprah delays the Bulls/Heat series
Oprah is filming her last episode at the United Center. So it was a bit of a reversal as Oprah was treated to some of her favorite things: thousands upon thousands of hot dogs.