Nine Grown-Up Toys That Should Be In Your Swimming Pool Right Now

pool toysLounging in the pool ain’t what it used to be. It’s not that dull, flat inflatable rafts and simple poolside basketball rims aren’t enjoyable. You’re surrounded by water and your life is not in the least bit of danger and your basement isn’t completely destroyed, almost everything is fun in that situation. But the thing is, we’re getting a little older. Sure, basketball is fun, but so is sitting in a floating recliner and talking on a gigantic cordless phone like MC Hammer in the “Pumps and a Bump” video.

pumps

Today, the pool toy and float industry is on a crazy tear, producing some truly insane and innovative diversions for the wet set. Check out our picks for some of the slickest contraptions out there.

Aqua Trippin’

kaleidoscope

Let’s just be adults here and admit the truth. You’re grown now. The time you spend in the swimming pool you worked so hard to earn should be time spent relaxing. And when relaxation is the special of the day, nothing delivers it quite like some premium quality LSD.

But LSD is pretty damn hard to find these days, so maybe have a drink, a smoke perhaps, and fire up this thing. It’s an Underwater Kaleidoscope.

Pink Floyd tunes and neighbors who won’t call the police to report your back yard drug party not included.

Buy It Here: www.toysplash.com

More Than Just the Tip

iceberg

We’re trying to keep it mature here, so this one barely makes the list. That said, if you absolutely must include some “toys” in the mix, meaning items that will attract the attention of unwanted child accompaniment, you should probably make it this thing. Why? Because look at it, it’s huge! And it’s in your pool! An iceberg had enough power to sink the mighty Titanic, but you’ve harnessed that power into something that’s now enjoyable for all. You are all that is man.

Buy It Here: Hammacher Schlemmer

Liquid Lounging

sofa

If you’re looking to bring some class to your aqueous activities, you can’t do better than the lovely Floating Sofa. Sure, it looks like it would be just at home on the shimmering surface of a pool owned by a Florida octogenarian as it would being used by a smoking hot college girl on spring break, but damn if it doesn’t look comfortable.

Maybe you can get it in black or something.

Buy It Here: Hammacher Schlemmer

Your Own Island

cabana

Poolside cabanas are the ideal party situation, provided you can afford them. But maybe a private tent with your own wait staff is outside your budget. Instead, hit the liquor store, buy a few bottles and mixers, hop on this thing and push that bitch out into the water. The Cabana Islander Inflatable Island has room for six and comes with a giant attached cooler. That’s long enough to survive no matter how far the current may carry you (as long as you’re just in a swimming pool).

Buy It Here: www.poolfloatsmart.com

Nuke ‘Em

nuclear

According to the maker of the Nuclear Water Globe: “You and your friends can engage in a Nuclear Face-Off as you and an opponent compete to bump and bounce each other into submission. Prepare for combat.”

Combat, you say? We’re listening.

Buy It Here: www.poolfloatsmart.com

The Hook Up

four

The at-home swimming pool applications here are undeniable, but imagine all the other places you could use this thing. Remember when the San Francisco Giants still had enough steroids in the lineup to make sitting in the body of water behind their stadium waiting for home run balls seem like a good idea?

Yeah, people probably don’t do that much anymore, but if they did, this would be the flotation device for the job. But we suppose you’ll just have to use it for drinking now instead.

Buy It Here: www.poolfloatsmart.com

Pool Poker

hold em

Make your weekly poker game wet and wild with the amazing Texas Hold ‘Em Inflatable Pool Poker Set. Just make sure your buddies are taking regular bathroom breaks. Or even regular baths for that matter. Nobody likes a filthy bitch in their pool. Choose your poker playing friends accordingly.

Buy It Here: www.amazon.com

Take Your Fratboy Cred With You

beer pong

Spending countless hours playing beer pong in a crowded college bar certainly isn’t doing anything to help the people at your local swimming hole know you any better. So maybe you should haul a goddamn beer pong table along with you. That way, everyone will know exactly what you’re about (which is likely date rape and The Dave Matthews Band).

Buy It Here: www.homewetbar.com

Water Waiter

rc float

Here’s the scene. You’re floating in a gigantic swimming pool and you’re out of beer. Your loving wife and/or waitress has remedied the problem by toting a fresh one for you from the kitchen. But now, you’re way in the middle of the pool and she can’t get your booze to you! Holy shit, dude! Kill yourself!

No, wait, don’t! Instead, buy a water waiter. That way, your wife can just remote control boat your drinks over to you. It’s some total James Bond shit.

Buy It Here: www.homewetbar.com

Chicago-based writer John Thomas is the author of the novel Karaoke of Blood.

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