It probably won’t shock you in the least to know that, on an almost daily basis, people use any and every excuse imaginable to gain entrance to the Playboy Headquarters in Chicago. It also won’t shock you to know that those efforts always fail.

On a recent day when attempts to penetrate the fortress walls were especially frequent and absurd, we asked Sonia Loiz, Corporate Security Receptionist for Playboy Headquarters, for a list of the excuses people use most often when they try to lie their way in. What we learned is that, basically, you people must think we’re completely stupid.

Here are ten ridiculous excuses people use when trying to get into Playboy Headquarters…

“I’m the office bartender.”

As romantic as the idea may be, Playboy Headquarters is not a vast oasis of nudity and drunken debauchery. The company doesn’t just run itself, you know. There are employees in that building. Those employees have offices and cubicles and computers and everything else you’d expect to see in an office. Sure, there are areas of the HQ that look like something you only see in movies, but sometimes, it’s this movie.

If you don’t recognize the movie, you probably don’t have a boss.

In other words, it’s an office. There is no bartender. At least none that tend bar during the day at Playboy Headquarters.

“I’m a model.”

Congratulations! Are you a model with an appointment to see someone who works at Playboy? If not, kick rocks, pretty lady.

And no, the fact that you believe appearing in Playboy is “your destiny” does not count as an appointment.

“My girlfriend/boyfriend is shooting today.”

Whoa! Shooting what? Should we take cover?

Just joking, we know what you mean, and nobody cares. This isn’t just a Playboy Headquarters thing. Go pretty much anywhere scantily clad women are working and ask about the stance toward significant others being allowed to watch. It will be a firm “no” almost every time. That’s how it works at most strip clubs, anyway. And if it’s not good enough for a strip club, it sure as shit isn’t good enough for Playboy.

“I need to use the restroom.”

And you decided to take an elevator up to the 15th floor to do it? If it’s that casual of a situation, you don’t need to use the bathroom that badly. At least be a little creative about it.

“I’m the oil boy.”

That’s better! Not a lot better when you take into account that nobody in the history of ever has been granted access to a secure building by claiming to be an “oil boy.” But still, it’s better than the bathroom excuse.

“Um, is this a doctor’s office?”

This sounds a lot more suspect than it really is. There are a lot of doctor’s offices in the building. Not that stepping out of the elevator, seeing a gigantic Playboy logo on the wall and still asking if you’re in a doctor’s office isn’t stupid, of course. But we accept that the sick don’t always think too quick on their feet.

Also, thanks for bringing your Bird flu by. We’ll be sure to share it with the rest of the office.

“Can I check out the office?”

Nope.

“Playboy turned me down. But thanks to my recent plastic surgery, I’m way hotter now. I demand an immediate photo shoot.”

Plastic surgery, you say? Well that changes everything! Never has this kind of dedication been seen before!

Look, if you didn’t think to have your lazy eye fixed prior to stepping in front of the camera, you didn’t lose out to another girl who was prettier than you. You lost out to a girl who was smarter than you. Get back in line with everyone else.

“I’m a friend/family member of Hef.”

This is usually followed by the would-be trespasser whipping out a picture they took with Hef like it’s some kind of key to the world. I took a picture with Ice-T once, that doesn’t mean I can show up to the set of Law & Order: SVU whenever I want. And besides, the odds of Hef being at Playboy Headquarters at the exact moment you hatch your plan are slim to none. You’d probably have better luck just showing up and trying to convince everyone that you ARE Hef.

“I AM Hef.”

Yes, this happens. While the brazenness of this lie is admirable, it’s far and away the most absurd excuse you could possibly use. For one thing, what in the world makes you think Hef is stopping by the front desk to try and explain his way into Playboy Headquarters? He’s pretty much got the run of the place, you know?

Also, even people who don’t work at Playboy know what Hugh Hefner looks like and most would agree that one of his most distinguishing characteristics is that he’s not you.

But hey, thanks for stopping by!