Piranha 3DD Will Be the Greatest Film of All Time

WHAT DO THE GODFATHER, CITIZEN KANE AND GONE WITH THE WIND ALL HAVE IN COMMON? They’re not Piranha 3DD. Just because the film’s release date isn’t definite doesn’t mean that I’m not excited as hell about it. I consider myself a film scholar, and since Piranha 3D currently maintains its position as greatest movie ever made, I see no reason why its sequel won’t usurp its title. What follows is the definitive list as to why this movie will be watched, studied and enjoyed for years to come.

1. The Title

 

Piranha 3D 2 sounds about as unappealing as fetal alcohol syndrome. Piranha 3DD is a name I can get behind. It’s going to replace the bar mitzvah as someone’s passage into manhood. The letters “DD” have, through scientific experiments, been proven to elicit a positive reaction out of anyone, male and female. Think Pavlov’s dog experiment, except with boners. I’m not kidding about this. Whether it’s boobs or batteries,

“DD” can only stand for something good, which leads us to our next reason.

2. The T & A

There’s been a long running debate over what part of the female is more appealing, the breasts or the ass. Piranha 3DD, unless it’s just a trick to get us all together for an intervention, will likely feature both. I’m not trying to be shallow, but it’s much better and much more American that way. If my predictions are correct, then the closest thing you’ll see to an A-cup in Piranha 3DD is a shot glass. The only loose fitting jeans in that movie will be on dude extras, who will all probably be killed off quickly anyway.

The first movie will be hard to top, considering it featured Kelly Brook. If you’ve never seen Kelly Brook, she’s so hot that someone could record her farting and you’d see it on my Spotify playlist. But I trust the makers of Piranha 3DD to give us something worth remembering, or at least something that makes us buy a few extra boxes of Kleenex.

3. The Fish

The massacre scene at Lake Victoria was like the opening to Saving Private Ryan, except much sweeter. The complaints about the “fish looking unrealistic” were soon drowned out literally by those complainers getting forced to play dunking-for-no-apples with a toilet. I haven’t seen that much flesh being pulled apart since Outback Steakhouse had their last special on ribs. Ving Rhames blasted piranhas with a shotgun while Elizabeth Shue shot one with a taser. You read that correctly. A fish jumped out of the water and a beautiful woman shot it with a fucking taser. I don’t know what the encyclopedia currently lists under “awesome” but if that’s not in it, than I’ve lost all faith in libraries.

Piranha 3DD will, as with its boob count, up the ante on the gore. That way, if you’ve spent the past few years hoping to see even more people getting cut apart by boat propellers as they’re devoured underwater, you can finally die happy.

4. Christopher Lloyd & David Hasselhoff

One was famous for yelling “Great Scott!” and ranting about the flux capacitor. The other saved people on beach, and judged America’s Got Talent with extreme bias.

And they’re both in the same movie.

The definition of the “awesome” is getting awesomer. Christopher Lloyd appeared in the last film as a scientist, in a role so over-the-top that I half-expected Nicolas Cage to sue him for plagiarism. This is Hasselhoff’s first appearance in the franchise, and, with the material being this damn great, I expect that it will be his Rebel Without A Cause.

On a side note, Gary Busey is in this film, so when the Academy finally comes up with the award for Best Supporting Bat Shit Crazy Cameo, Busey can finally line his shelf with something.

5. The Plot

We’re not dealing with a “good” movie, here. We’re dealing with what’s potentially going to be the greatest movie ever made. The movie centers around piranhas attacking a water park called “Big Wet.” I know that “Big Wet” sounds like the nickname you’d give to a fat ex-girlfriend’s G-spot, but this is the best name ever, and really the most logical, for a place where attractive women go to play in the water and look and super hot.

For all these reasons (and, with a movie this potentially fan-fucking-tastic, there will be probably be more), Piranha 3DD will be the greatest thing earth-people have ever laid eyes on. If the film doesn’t out-gross Avatar, I will be legitimately disappointed with humanity.

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Daniel Dockery writes jokes that you can read with computers. Read his stuff at danielsfunny.com and stalk his tweets at @dandock

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