You’re out there party rocking and meeting exciting potential belt notches. Every interaction is a living social study of shared thoughts or contradictory opinions, and it all feels so deep because you’re probably high. But be careful. Every party has human boobytraps just waiting to kill your buzz.
Try to avoid having a conversation with these six people…
The Live Tweeter
Updating your thoughts on Twitter is a level of super communication that cannot be rivaled by one on one conversation. The Live Tweeter does not get enough instant gratification from your puny one person laugh. Your favorable response only serves to embolden them to Tweet it to the rest of their followers. Gone are the days when a person has to be interesting enough to be listened to, opting instead to glean approval from casual and often times insincere re-tweets. It’s like you never have to suffer a genuine character building moment again. Especially if your profile picture is bangin’.
Gone are the days when people say bangin’. Tweet that.
Six Weeks Sober
Sobriety is a serious accomplishment for ex-alcoholics. It is a chance to begin a new life. But, dude. Chill. A party is not the place to bring up Alcoholics Anonymous. For being anonymous you guys sure can’t seem to keep a secret. You’re trying to convince everybody that sobering up is the smart way to go. But everybody is already drunk! That’s bad party etiquette.
You can’t convince people drinking is bad for them while they’re doing shots off some hot stranger’s titter tots. Just let us have this night. Come back the next day and talk to us while we have the morning after migraine. We might listen to reason during our vulnerability. But be kind. Bring us a beer for our hangover.
Previous Night’s One Night Stand
Maybe the Sober Guy was right and you shouldn’t have had those last nine shots of Patron. You ended up having a one night stand with some random partier so tonight you don’t plan on “overdoing it.” You get comfortable in your little corner of the party then someone familiar walks by. Don’t you know that girl from somewhere? Holy moly. That’s the floozie you accidentally slept with last night. And it looks like she’s put on about 50 pounds overnight. Hopefully, last night she was too drunk to remember who you are but not drunk enough to claim date rape.
When a guy refers to his ex as a “crazy psycho bitch” what he really means to say is a “crazy psycho bitch that broke my heart.” According to this guy, all women are the devil, and boobs are just camouflaged horns. But heartache doesn’t slow his drunken libido. He will just think of how sweet her sleeping face was, while he’s trying to sleep with you.
There are going to be alternative lifestylists at the party. If you’re uncomfortable with that, you need to know something…no one cares. The homophobe designates himself as the guy to remind us that Lance is girly. Yeah, we know. He walked in like a video ho’. We’re tired of hearing how you hope he doesn’t try to hit on you. Ugh. Grow up. There are people who are different then you, and those differences aren’t about you. You see that girl over there? She likes men too and she’s not trying to fuck you either.
International Student Who Insists On Singing the “N” Word
It’s fun to party with someone from a different country. They have cute accents and they say stuff like “in my country…” followed by some old Dr. Seuss type code of living. All of this can be interesting or funny, and it’s usually a good time. That is, until their favorite rap song comes on. The song is usually something a little outdated, but they react to it like the rapper is performing live right there at the party. Fat Joe comes on and they sing “I said my nigguhs don’t dance they just pull up they pants…”
Wait. What? And then boom, the chorus repeats. “My NIGGUHS don’t dance they just pull up they pants…” Yup. That’s what you thought they said. Now you have to explain to them that “in our country,” white skinned people are not allowed to use the “N” word. Sorry, it’s the law. Not literally, of course. But it might as well be.
And now you’ve started the worst possible conversation. While trying to understand why they can’t say the n-word, they will be using the n- word as liberally as possible. “But why can’t I say NIGGUH? They say NIGGUH in the song. NIGGUH is just a word. It bothers you when I say NIGGUH?”
No, it may not bother you. But if someone sensitive to that slur overhears it they might do more than just lean back.