Five Stupid Things Men Do In the Name of Penis Enlargement

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Ancient man, with the gift of consciousness, gazed downward and was fascinated. The images of penises seemed to almost be pillars of societies throughout time–the petite penises of the ancient Greeks, the large phallus’s of the Romans. Today in the U.S. penis depictions are hidden from popular culture, yet men are inundated with spam that exclaims: “My 8 year old brother has one that size!”

We don’t exactly celebrate the phallus in art, but we are obsessed with penis enlargement–or “male enhancement” as my e-mail account knows the industry. But we aren’t the first society obsessed with lengthening, either. It’s estimated that 2,000 years ago in Africa men were wearing weights on their penises, as an “enhancement” technique. (Side effects included nerve damage, chronic pain, scarring and impotence.)

Here are some of the ineffective and often stupid things men have done throughout history in the name of gaining a larger penis…

Penis Sheaths

footlong1The penis sheath is worn over the penis to give the illusion of size. Men have been doing this for ages, from the codpieces of the 15th and 16th century European men wore to “accentuate” their penises to the long curled penis gourds of New Guinea tribes.

Perhaps where we see penis sheaths most often today is in “monster cock” porn where men wear realistic sheaths, providing the illusion that a penis can rest on your heart. But you can also buy penis extenders online–which look like hollowed out dildos that fit over your dick, like a penis puppet. It’s like trying on a new penis for a day, with a whole new penis personality and everything. It may seem silly, but it also seems to be the safest one on this list.

DIY Penis Enlargement

footlong2The kama sutra suggests that men get their penis stung by a wasp if they want more girth and length. This is undoubtedly what sparked the American urban legend that bee stings are a good “male enhancement” technique. Not only can this result in local gangrene and death, but Ahhhh! Not okay! And apparently, Mick Jagger can testify, after being shamed publicly about his size by Janice Dickinson, it was reported he tried the ancient ritual. Just as terrifying is the Brazilian technique of getting your penis bit by a snake for extra puffiness.

In the U.S., some plastic surgeons report seeing men who have tried DIY surgery on their penises, by injecting them with a variety of household items– everything from Vaseline to kerosene. And this isn’t a trend in the West alone. The Department of Medical services in Thailand even issued an official plea in 2005, asking men to stop injecting Vaseline and olive oil into their penises, because of the deformities it was causing.

Spam

footlong3In a vacant Hotmail account of mine, a subject reads: “Rachel, she knows you’re not big enough.” What, prey tell does this “person” worried about my “penis” think I should do?

Creams: It’s like the dude version of those $60 “cellulite creams” that women buy. Which are not made from cellulite, but supposed to get rid of it. Though, watch out for the former–if Oprah can promote a facial cream made of baby foreskins, anything is possible. Obvious truth: Rubbing any cream on your penis will make it, uh, “grow” momentarily, but Doctors state again and again that none of these creams work. You can continue buying them, as long as you don’t mind that the only dick getting bigger, is well, you.

Pills and Potions

footlong4None of them work. No urologist recommends them. Further, because of the little regulation in the “enhancement” market, a lot of these pills are just dangerous on top of ineffective. Researchers from the University of Maryland found significant amounts of fecal matter in most penis enlargement pills. Which were apparently from raccoons or other animals feeding off of the “herbal ingredients” before they were harvested. Also, more poisonously: lead and mold, yeast, E. coli and pesticides were found in the pills as well.

Surgery: Going to “Great Lengths”

footlong5The AUA, the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery and the American Society of Plastic Surgeons all have policy statements against cosmetic phalloplasty. But there remain plenty of plastic surgeons, willing to wield a knife if you fork over cash. Studies have shown that most men who receive the surgery are dissatisfied with the results, and reading men’s accounts, it is easy to see why.

On small penis support forum, Measurection, a post reads:

“I know of one case where a rather wealthy man from the Country Music Business in Nashville, Tennessee paid $10,000 to a Surgeon to have more penis between his legs. He then paid over $60,000 to get his 5 inches back after it all went wrong. He was lucky in that he had the financial assets to do this and the time to travel from Surgeon to Surgeon seeking help. It took over a dozen procedures and a team of surgeons to fix what one bad surgeon had done to him.”

Measurection started as a penile enlargement surgery support forum, but the founder as well as members have pulled their support over the years. Founder, John LaTreen issued a statement saying the only surgeon Measurection now supports is Gay Alter–simply because he fixes men who have been “butchered” by other surgeons. His fantastic name probably has something to do with their continued support also.

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