Okay so when you Google mixing alcohol and coffee, mostly the Interwebs are all about telling you how it’s super dangerous. And I’m certainly no fan of the heart attack (except for as far as ways to go, it’s probably not the worst) and I totally don’t want you have one. That would make me cry. Buckets. All over my nice plastic desk, yo. And crying at Playboy seems really ungrateful. So –
But if you’re thinking about coffee + booze, you gotta consider that a wide-awake drunk is better time than a blacked out drunk, amirite?
No but seriously. Like I really don’t want to kill any of you (our hits would drop so hard). So what I’m advocating, this post-holiday haze, is booze that at least TASTES like coffee.
Number one so you can sneaky sneak that shit into your little reusable tumbler in your hallway-side cubicle (say). Or number two you can lie to yourself and pretend you’re waking up when all you’re doing is tasting something syrupy like coffee that mellows out your slump. In a good way. In a put some kick into that shuffle already way.
Maybe that kind of enthusiasm is pushing it. But here’s hoping it’s not, eh. If all else fails, at least I got you somewhat imaginatively drunk. Don’t say I never gave you nuthin’.
1. The Go-to: The Luck of the Irish
You already know how this one works. But it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t mention your St. Patty’s Day/Watching your sister’s kid remedy. So here it is!
Old faithful — the original Irish Coffee recipe:
- 1 1/2 oz Jameson
- 1 tsp brown sugar
- 6 oz hot coffee
- heavy cream
The shortcut is obvious – a cuppa Joe sidles up to a jug of Bailey’s/Jameson’s and says, ‘Hey hey! Where you been all my life?’ Hearts on fire.
Watch this lassie go at it:
2. Sambuca Exists
Apparently this is a thing. You toss a few coffee beans into a glass full of Sambuca and you call it a lazyass fucking cocktail.
This is the recipe:
- 3 whole, roasted coffee beans
- 1-2 ounces Sambuca
- Loose the coffee beans at the Sambuca and start tippling
AND THEN, when the booze is all inside the beans you munch the beans. That’s no euphemism. The drink’s got a sorta ‘Look! I ate a goldfish for bravado cred’ slash ‘Ma, I’m drinking all your fancy shit when you’re out of town’ classlessness. But the bonus is you don’t actually have to take the time to drip/French press your caffeine. You get the booze and the coffee in one go and all you had to do was juggle a couple of things together. Plus you get to feel adventurous in a retro suburban way. Which may not be cool. Anyway. I didn’t promise cool, I promised DRUNK. Get your priorities straight, whydontcha.
3. Is That a Flask of Brandy in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
The nice thing about brandy is, I’ve noticed, that it comes in handy sizes at very affordable cost (I’m not talking to you, New Hampshire, land of almost free booze). You got an extra four bucks in your pocket? Course you do. Throw it at some brandy. Toss the brandy into a diner coffee and waltz into the office with a Don Draper kick to your step and a tall styromfoam cup in hand. Way to undercover hair of the dog it. Man, you rule.
Recipe for success:
- 1 slop of brandy (or 2)
- A coffee that tastes like church coffee that costs no more than a buck
4. Kahlua Isn’t for 14 Year Olds. Okay it Is. So What.
We’re all 14 when we’re hungover because every hangover feels like the very first time. Except the tossing the late night pizza part. That feels way too repetitive.
The last thing we want in the a.m.-post drink binge is a slurp from something dignified, something that requires an experimental palate. Fuck palates. What we want tastes as good as Coco Puffs. And we want that right now.
This is what you do. Throw some Kahlua into your cuppa. You got some leftover Jameson from your other morning chug? Ya throw a little of that in, too. Also some sugar and some milk (aka a “double double”).
Follow these simple instructions:
- 1 part Kahlua
- 1 1/2 parts whiskey
- 1/2 part coffee
- 1/2 part sugar
- 1 part milk
There, there. Bottom’s up.
5. Vodka Straight Up, Fuck the Coffee
I was once taking a bunch of writing classes in Russia and we were partying all night because the sun forgot to set itself and when the clock struck six a.m. our prof told us it was time to wake up and get ourselves some cuppa
koffe vodka. So we went to this place where the walls were the color of fake skin-colored Band-Aids and stale meat patties spun slow on cake display carts I don’t know what to call thems, and we stood around and drank some vodka and if you can’t call how we felt ‘awake’ you can at least say we got a second wind. I know I managed to walk home in a straight line and nothing bad happened to me so there’s that.
This is what you do:
- Pour vodka into a container
- Drink it
Workday Tip: Pretend you just got out of some Moksha yoga business and you really need hydration. Guzzle fearlessly.