SO THERE’S A LOT OF PERKS TO MY GIG, that’s for sure. One of them was made quite clear to both my subconscious and my real, like, normal conscious mind last week.
I got this big giant package in the mail shaped like a bottle, and what was in it was what was looked like one mothafuggin (just trying that out, guys) gigunto beer. A holy smokes this beer is HUGE beer. MOTHAFUGGA. The Molly Brown as played by Kathy Bates of beers. You read?
So I pulled it out of my package all suave, like cool, no big deal, I’m suave about free alcohol in my cubicle.
And guys, it really and truly resembled a big beer bottle. It was shaped like a beer bottle. It was sorta brownish. It said “stout” on it. Right on the label. Like stout beer, right? I like stout beer. I like oatmeal stout, and Guinness, and fake Guinness, and Guinness with some whiskey in it. I like hearty stuff. It’s like I’m a man on the inside, in my beer belly. You know?
So free stout. That was super duper muy cool by me.
Bonus extra booze part: The label also said the stout was gurgled in a Wild Turkey bourbon cask. So that’s kinda like a southern car bomb going on. I’m down with that. I like bourbon almost as much as I like stout or whiskey or vodka. A two-for-one, right? Two-for-ones are cool.
So fast-forward to night-time, post-work. I was all girling it up on Skype, talking to one of my BFFs who’s moving to California and getting married and I was drinking direct from my giant bottle to keep us cheerful like that. But then my stomach started feeling queasy.
I started thinking how my beer was too sweet. Like syrupy sweet.
That’s when I read the label for real.
Beer was called a “malt beverage.”
Beer was not beer.
If Anderson Valley Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrel Stout isn’t beer, what is it, oh ye who brew pseudo malt mash? Is this the Cheez Whiz of beer? The Cool Whip of suds? The margarine of ales?
On the company’s website, Anderson Valley Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrel Stout says “this luxurious stout has a deep ebony hue and a beautiful mahogany head. The woody, vanilla-like notes imparted by the barrels mingle with aromas of fresh baked bread, toffee, and espresso, and envelop the rich chocolate and roasted barley flavors with a fine bourbon character.” It says you should drink it with beef and onions.
But my question is, what’s it take for a malt beverage to graduate to beer class? What is wrong with this brew that they can’t call it beer?
This week’s lesson: I need to quit drinking everything I get in the mail.