There are two kinds of Halloween: kids Halloween, and grown-ups Halloween. Kids Halloween revolves around getting candy and pissing off grown-ups via pranking—two things kids love more than anything. It’s because of this that the whole dress-up phase of their Halloween experience really becomes immaterial after a while.
Grown-ups Halloween doesn’t generally involve pranking, trick-or-treating or even that much candy (unless you have kids). This means that most of their fun and weird adventure has to be concentrated in the dress-up part. Just like kids compete over who can get the most candy, or who can egg the most cars, grown-ups compete over whose costume can out-ridiculous the other costumes.
And courtesy of the first amendment, there’s plenty of ridiculousness to go around, and plenty of taboos to be dressed in and shattered. Here are ten awful things people celebrate every year with their Halloween costumes…
Unless you’re an amoral pornographer—wait, that’s a double negative. Unless you’re just a pornographer, you probably have some reservations about the idea of a donkey or a moose cub being sodomized. We’re pretty sure the bible mentions something about being damned for all eternity for having sex with an animal. If it wasn’t for Halloween, perhaps we’d never be able to joke around and comprehend the tangible physical logistics of such a thing. Thanks, Halloween!
For the other 364 days out of the year, America and other Western nations spend a good chunk of money on propaganda designed to convince people not to blow themselves up in an effort to get those 72 virgins. And normally, authority figures and law enforcement specialists would frown upon seeing somebody walking down the street draped in robes and strapped with plastic bricks. But on a day that was started to honor the memory of the dead, apparently it’s fair game to commemorate people who kill themselves for a living.
Usually, dead babies are kind of a sad thing. But turn that bead baby into a satanic, flesh-eating zombie antichrist, and WHAMMY—let’s party America! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! Dead babies are like pretty much anything in that if you make it a zombie, or somehow associate it with a zombie, all meaning is thrown out the window…all meaning except awesomeness, that is. BAM!
Ah, Nazis. Just can’t stay mad at em’. Here’s the thing: nobody goes to a Halloween party dressed as G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe’s a clean-cut, athletic, All-American go-getter—people hate guys like that. And normally, with the exception of a few well-publicized subcultures, people hate Hitler too. But there’s something about a creepy fake mustache and an S&M military uniform that makes Hitler a perennial popular costume on All Hallows Eve. A possible indicator of a decline in morals in America? Nah, just Halloween.
If there was ever any doubt that the used tampon visual was the most effective boner suppressant of all time, the first five minutes of the movie Carrie squashed it. Used tampons have roughly the same effect on guys that salt has on garden snails. But it’s not that big of a deal, because Halloween is no time for boners. Wait, what are we saying? There’s always time for boners. And speaking of…
What do spontaneous boners and ninjas have in common? They both strike when you least expect it. What do spontaneous boners and ninjas not have in common? Spontaneous boners wait until you’re in a public place to do it. Because of this, every guy learns early on in life that they are to be both greatly feared and concealed by any means necessary. And this is why Halloween really doubles as Christmas for guys still capable of a stray boner here and there, because they finally have a chance to be proud of their business.
Few things in life are creepier than this commercial about anorexia, which would make it all the more maddening to think about people joking about it. For all the social pressure to be thin and the psychological havoc it creates in millions of women, you’d think they’d rather dress up as Ike Turner than endorse an effigy of an anorexic chick. Then again, laughter is the best medicine, right?
At the rate we’re going, it’ll take around four more decades before we start running out of food and resort to eating each other, thus breaking society’s last great taboo. That’s a long time for psychopaths and necrophiliacs to wait. In the meantime, freaks and non-freaks alike can take a day off and appreciate the sight of freshly chewed human flesh.
Fact: political correctness is a silent killer.
Fact: racism is funny too, sometimes.
Fact: Halloween doesn’t give two sh*ts about political correctness.
Racism and Halloween go together like Ebony and Ivory, if Ebony was Uncle Remus and Ivory was Paris Hilton. There’s no better time to embrace stereotypes than Halloween. The whole day is like a throwback to a time when blackface was an art form and key political issues were solved by just blaming immigrants. Ah, memories.
As far as we know, nobody ever showed up at Halloween parties of yesteryear dressed as mangled, sunken battleships with Imperial Japanese torpedoes sticking out. But hey, that was a different time. People were uptight back then. Looking at that picture, these guys could honestly be used as mascots for one of those truther rallies conspiracy theorists hold every now and again. A little humor is probably all they need to convince the rest of the public.
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