For hetero prepubescent teens, breasts are like the monoliths from “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Once you touch them, you go from being a spazzy monkey-child to someone who knows everything (a teenager). But, like the monolith, boobs are often so inaccessible that they might as well be buried on the moon (or the Internet).
With that in mind, we decided to comb through seemingly innocuous TV programs and films from our past to see if we could dig up any buried gold:
One of the finest comedies to grace the silver screen, Ghostbuster’s frights and sexual situations were kept simple so that it could earn a family-friendly “PG” rating. But what the ratings board (and everybody else) missed was a full-on frontal boob flash by “A+-list” actress Sigourney Weaver.
Thanks to modern technologies that were not available to consumers back in “Ghostbusters” days, specifically frame-by-frame pausing, we can see exactly how this accidental flash came to be.
First of all, here’s the clip. Sigourney Weaver’s character is sitting around, casually minding her own business, when monstrous arms grab her. Note the position of the hand on the right:
Sigourney’s hand comes up to pull this fondle-hand away:
Both hands struggle downward, and the result is this NSFW image. See, Japan? It is possible to make a show about monsters sexually assaulting people that isn’t totally weird.
2. Return of the Jedi
For decades, lonely sci fi nerds have repeatedly paused this classic scene, convinced that Carrie Fischer’s moon pies pop out, right after she jumps off of the table. We don’t know, and we haven’t really cared all that much since we were, like, nine years old.
What’s more important is that, in Return of the Jedi, a dancer’s boob totally falls out. It’s understandable that the editing room would miss this, seeing as how Star Wars editing room probably consisted of an intern and a pile of cocaine. This scene clearly shows that Carrie Fischer isn’t the only one who has trouble keeping her clothes on around Jabba the Hutt.
In fact, we’re going to going to make a bold claim. The unknown arousal provoked in preteens by all this boobage, combined with the predominance of Ewoks in this film, has led to the modern day obsession with Furries.
This 2004 film probably sucked money from thousands of Laconophiles who didn’t realize it had nothing to do with ancient Sparta. If you must know, “Spartan” is about Val Kilmer running around doing political spy stuff. More importantly, Kristen Bell (“Veronica Mars”) has a crazy nipple slip towards the end of the film.
The images in question, seen here, involve a bra-less Bell getting punched by Val Kilmer. ***Spoiler Alert*** Val Kilmer’s character wins the fight. While taking the blow, Bell arches forward and inadvertently put her nipple into film history. Although, frankly, the shirt they put her in screams “nipple slip,” while ironically still managing to be the opposite of sexy.
4. The O.C.
Mischa Barton became famous for her portrayal of Marissa Cooper on the O.C. Then, she became un-famous by spoiling her character’s impending death, causing a lot of producers to become angry. For whipped boyfriends forced to spend an hour watching the O.C. with their significant others, trying to spot Mischa Barton’s nipples can be the only relief.
Sharp-eyed viewers spotted this nipple slip. It’s a tough one, and shows up a lot better on DVD, trust us:
Obviously, this pic is safe for work. But we can all imagine pretty much what the high-definition DVD-quality resolution would show. Which makes us wonder if networks could get a lot of crossover appeal by making a teen drama called “Nipple Slip High School.”
5. Rachel Ray
When you run a daytime cooking show, keeping your clothes on should never be an issue. However, ever since Giada De Laurentiis started showing unnecessary cleavage, the rest of the chefs had to keep up. So Rachel Ray decided that undergarments aren’t her thing, goes on air, then gives a hearty, nipple-popping laugh. The results are not safe for work.
The problem is, if Rachel Ray does nip slips on TV, then it will become en vogue for all the aging daytime TV crowd to start dropping pointers. That’s all “The View” really needs to turn itself into a complete barf-fest.
It’s alright if women want to burn their bras and show their goods off to the entire world. But we don’t think any of these nipple slips were intentional, which can be quite embarrassing. The only explanation is that some lonely stagehand kept hiding all the lingerie tape.