There is a new plague overtaking the churches and viral video outlets of this great land — child preachers. You Tube is riddled with video after video of “adorable” pre-teen Jesus freaks who lead their own church congregations. Some seem competent, others seem purely crazed, while many appear to be the preacher equivalent of a little chimp dressed up by their parents in big people clothes with a Bible shoved in their hands. But no regardless of their differences, they all share one common characteristic. Every single one of these fire and brimstone shouting tots is creepy as all hell.
Here are nine of the creepiest child preachers currently being groomed to lead the religious right in years to come. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
A crisp $50 bill to anyone who can make through watching this entire video without wanting to tear their eyes out by the end. Don’t you want to see the blooper reel for this? It’s like Preacher Marc is being channeled directly from the Lord himself—or his promoting parents off camera. Hallelujah!
To be fair, if we weren’t aware of what he was saying, this would be awfully cute. And, glory be to Xenu, we actually aren’t able to make out what he’s saying. Unfortunately, there are much needed subtitles to drive the insanity right home for us.
Young Prophet Jayden
What I’m wondering: is he a child preacher for adults or is he preaching in a church filled completely with children? I’d love to see this child preacher drop the mic at the end of his sermon Chris Rock-style. On the bright side, this is a one wacky Ice Cube-directed comedy masterpiece waiting to happen.
Holy shit! This baby preacher is speaking in tongues! Is it a good thing when your preacher does a number two in their pants? Who knows, but we suspect it probably happens way more than a person would suspect.
At any rate, we’re calling shenanigans on this one. The only thing that makes this kid a preacher is the fact that the video is labeled that way. If you find his “words” inspiring, you probably haven’t learned to speak yet and just get excited by any guttural yelping you might hear in the periphery.
Baby Preacher Pt. 2
If you liked baby preacher, you should check out some of his earlier work-before he was washed up. We’re not sure at all what he’s saying, but from the tone of his voice it’s probably something along the lines of “THE LORD HATES GAYS!” Either that or something about the shiny object that caught his eye somewhere off in the distance.
This child preacher has a great career ahead of him as the “Goooooooal” announcer for a Spanish language soccer. Is he trying to sell us Jesus or a bargain priced used car?
Quit knocking on the damn pulpit! You’re going to give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome or something! Imagine the sorrow that will fill the hearts of this kid’s parents when, one day, all that singing translates into a career singing backup for Ricky Martin or some shit.
The Little Man of God
Nice suit, kid. Do the Crips have a child preacher too, or is that just a Bloods thing?
Holy shit, save some of that hellfire for the sinners! Is he saying any actual words or just shredding his vocal cords for the sake of doing it? Whatever the case, the audience certainly seems to be inspired. But we’re talking about the same crowd that gets inspired by the sage wisdom of Sarah Palin, so, it’s not really that much of a surprise.
Yes, kid! Yes! Nothing says “praise Jesus!” like a funky bass line followed by some shitty Kenny G. style jazz accompaniment. If that’s the music we should expect in Heaven, by all means, punch our ticket to hell right now. Please.
This is only one of an eight-part series on child robots and their clandestine plan to take over the human race—one church congregation at a time. Come on, kid, speed this shit up. We’d like to have this debacle wrapped up in time to catch the second half of the game.