As if being celebrities, musical icons and majillionaires wasn’t enough, Beyonce and Jay-Z are due to have a baby that’s already leaps and bounds ahead of most of us and it just got fingernails like a month ago.
Here are 9 reasons why we should go ahead and be jealous of the hip hop fetus that (allegedly) dwells inside Beyonce’s belly.
Best Birth Announcement Ever
A couple of months ago, you were probably having dinner with friends, shopping for groceries or taking a shower and wondering what would happen if you lathered and rinsed but didn’t repeat. No matter what any of us was doing, it’s 100% guaranteed that we were not on stage being announced to the world via a live performance on MTV. And no, whining about your ex-boyfriend in a sing-songy voice doesn’t count as a performance…Adele.
It’s Already a Social Media Star
When the world became aware of the lil’ Hova hot pocket in Beyonce’s bakery (alliteration alert!), Twitter blew up and the subject of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby broke records with 8868 Tweets about it per second. Kind of puts the four Retweets about the zit on your balls that looked like a blue cheese crumble into perspective doesn’t it?
Celebrity couples are expected to make super beautiful or super talented children. Or both. While the theory doesn’t always hit the mark (sorry Shiloh), for Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby, even if their child sings like William Hung eating Ke$ha or dances like Britney Spears in a Vicodin coma (redundant?), the mere fact that this child will be born to two highly successful parents in the music industry means its first actual job will be choosing which music label it should sign on to. The closest this baby is ever going to get to a common job is when she asks the hired help (Vanilla Ice) to pre-moisten the pacifier.
Way Cooler Extended Aunts and Uncles
As a kid, running away usually involves biking down a couple blocks to your mom’s friends’ house and having a stale cookie in her kitchen while she secretly calls your parents to tell them where you are (bitch). As an adult, running away usually involves copious amounts of drugs and hookers…but that’s a whole other article. When this baby decides to be a run away, she can be driven in a town car to Gwyneth Paltrow’s house, who will probably be too concerned with sniffing liquid grapefruit extract through her nose to even notice the kid is there. She can use the pool, have a jam session with that inbred looking singer from Coldplay or give atomic wedgies to their kids, Fondue and Cumquat. Uncle Kanye will eventually find her later and give her a ride back to his mansion via the yacht. Basically, this kid’s everyday life sounds like a radio station contest prize.
Baby Rollin’ Stone
Before it even has a chance to get molested by TSA, this fetus has already clocked in more frequent flyer miles than the average person, anxiously waiting for their allotted two weeks so they can go on a budget friendly vacation (ie: going around the corner to TGIFridays … on a Monday!). After the baby is born, celebrity status automatically bumps it up to a lifetime pass to first class. When the child grows up and hears the words “delay” and “layover” they’re going to think those the in-flight meals served to the peasants in coach.
Location, Location, Location
Remember when you woke up in your bed, then you were stuck in traffic and now you’re in a cubicle? The whole time you were doing that, this soon to be famous fetus was doing slow easy backstrokes in warm amniotic fluid while listening to the background music of Beyonce giving an exclusive interview about her pregnancy to Mario Lopez on E! (while Mario Lopez pretends to be interested while trying with all his might not break into a song about himself.)
Unfortunately, the baby can’t renew the lease on its utero-tel but it won’t be so bad because after the baby is born it’s going to have a…
It’s totally expected that this baby will have the Bentley of all cribs, covered in thousand count thread sheets as soft as a fluffy white cloud that’s nestled in between Sofia Vergara’s warm cozy cleavage. What’s a little unexpected is the fact that the baby’s crib will be placed inside its very own crib. Beyonce and Jay-Z are rumored to be building a luxurious “room” for the new baby that’s big enough to fit three of my first apartments and this fat Asian baby and his diabetes monitor.
For you math geeks, that’s approximately a 2200 square foot “room” with nary an Ikea futon in sight.
In reality, there’s no way to know if this baby is going to be blessed with beautiful locks. But regardless if their kid’s mane looks majestic or mangy, people will say it’s awesome anyway (is this sentence slowing breaking into a rap song? Sorry.). People will run to their nearest salons to get the same do’ as the baby, kind of like that “Rachel” cut, minus her marinated bitterness face and the sad little 40-year-old hipster boyfriend.
Future Fashion Icon…Or Not
This kid’s one way ticket to the good life is not without its bumps. The inevitable will happen when Beyonce’s mom psychologically scars the baby for life by outfitting her with clothes from her “fashion line,” AKA The House Of Dereon (we think it’s no coincidence that Dereon sounds a lot like diarrhea).
Left unattended, grandma could easily stock the baby’s wardrobe with enough bedazzled leopard print outfits to make a hood rat tranny at the swap meet jealous.
So even if this kid does turn out to be a beautiful musical genius millionaire like everyone expects her to be (we say her because, let’s face it, we’re all hoping it’s a girl), we can at least take solace in knowing that she will have a closet that only a drag queen could truly appreciate.
So HA! In your not quite developed face you famous fetus who’s already richer than most of us!
Written by Elaine Chaney, the original hood rat tranny at the swap meet. Check her out on Twitter @LadyHaHa
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