One of The Smoking Jacket’s favorite comics, Nick Swardson, has a new movie coming out this weekend, Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. In it, Swardson stars as a grocery store bagger who learns his super-conservative parents used to be porn stars. Inspired by their debauched past, Bucky decides to become a porn star and runs off to Porn Valley in hopes of finding fame as a professional dick. Hilarity ensues, as it usually does when Nick is involved.
Here are nine of our favorite funniest Nick Swardson moments:
Nick Swardson Is Not a Douchebag
One of the best things about Nick is that he’s not one of those Hollywood guys. He’s from the Midwest. He’s down-to-earth. He’s not that jerk you see partying non-stop, nailing everything that moves, and walking all over everybody on his way to the top.
Here, the funny man shows us what it’s like to spend a day in his shoes, playing videos, hanging out with his bros, and meditating on life’s mysteries.
Dump the Horse
If you’ve ever sat around wondering what it would be like if one of your friends was totally into interspecial love, Nick has created this handy guide to dealing with friends who are into animals. Yes, it may be challenging when you find yourself helping your bro through a breakup with a pony, but when it’s back to smooth sailing, you’ll have Nick to thank for cleaning up that beastly mess.
Just don’t tell the SPCA.
Nick and Marisa Do Paintball
Marisa Miller shows up and wants to play paintball. What do you do? As long as she keeps insinuating you might have sex with her if you play the game well, you’re in. This appears to be Nick’s strategy as he bitches and moans his way through a game of Mango-destroying paintball with psycho-Marisa driving his ass all the way.
Downside: no bikinis.
Generally speaking, it seems comedians are more likely to die from an overdose than kill themselves, and while Swardson isn’t planning on blowing his brains out anytime soon, he has a plan if he does.
Just do it in front of a crowd and say something totally insane before you pull the trigger. That way, you’ll have your witnesses puzzling over your last words forever.
My Vibrator, My Savior
A lot of women think of their vibrator as their BFF, but this? This is genius. It’s not just a sex toy. The Survibrator is a vibrator that will actually help you survive if you are ever attacked by a man in a wolf suit that can be subdued by adult toys.
Not only that, it doubles as a toothbrush. So handy!
Drunk Chicks Are Fun
Ah, women. So sure of themselves, especially when it comes to drinking you under the table. Sure, they’re fine for the first hour or two. But after that, they’re likely to start spewing their brews, losing their girlfriends and hyperventilating.
We are drunk chicks. Hear us puke.
Robot Is Gay
The only thing more embarrassing than having a gay robot show up at your frat is when he tries to pick up on your frat brothers. I mean, it’s cool he’s gay and all, but does he have to fall all over his metal parts drooling at your athlete buddy? Can’t he just go to the gay robot bar and pick up other gay robots?
To each gay robot his own.
Nick Is a Bad Dad
Sometimes when people meet the President, they’re like, “Here, hold my baby!” Like some magical powers the President has will rub off on their kid. Or maybe they think that means their kid will grow up to be President one day. Or maybe if the kid threatens to drop out of high school, the parent wants to be able to scream, “You can’t drop out of high school! You were touched by the President!”
In any case, if you ever meet Nick Swardson, don’t let him hold your baby, because he’s going to grab it by the top of its head, and that is wrong.
Swardson used to work at Taco Bell, which may explain why two of the themes that recur most frequently in his act are farting and diarrhea. Interestingly, he once lived in a haunted house, and the ghost was gaseous.
Man, I wish I got paid to tell fart jokes.