Unless you live in one of those caves that we all thought Bin Laden was living in until we found out he was actually living in an apartment above the Pakistani secret service building or something, you’ve undoubtedly heard about Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp voice mail hacking scandal.
If you’re in the dark, here’s a quick breakdown: People working for media outlets owned by Rupert Murdoch have been hacking voice mail accounts. Sometimes, they even hacked the voice mail accounts of dead people. They even went so far as to delete messages in those dead peoples’ inboxes to make room for other messages, thereby leading the families to believe that said dead people were still alive.
Obviously, it’s a total mess for the scary old man behind Fox News. But it hasn’t all been bad. For one thing, the scandal produced one of the best viral videos of the year by way of Wendi Deng blocking a pie aimed at her husband’s head. Also, being that several celebrity types are scattered among the voice mail hacking victims, the controversy gives us an excuse to write an article like this one.
Here are the six sexiest victims of the recent News Corp voice mail hacking scandal…
6. Heather Mills
Where You Know Her From: Most of the functioning world recognizes Heather Mills as the former Heather Mills-McCartney. That’s right. She married a Beatle. And not Ringo. An actual, productive member of The Beatles. (The preceding joke was brought to you by the year 1968, when rubbers were galoshes, queer meant weird and gay was just an adjective you used to describe the atmosphere at last Thursday’s post-bridge club cigarette and lunch meat mixer.)
But before that, she was a model. At 43, she’s still keeping it together pretty well despite claims that she’s just a gold digger who married Sir Paul solely to get at his cash. Rumors like that are enough to leave a person looking a bit weathered, so kudos to her for still looking like someone worthy of the man who wrote “Rocky Raccoon.”
Here, somewhat less so.
Hacked Because: On the list of confirmed hacking victims, there is no date next to Heather Mills’ name, which makes it difficult to pinpoint exactly when News Corp decided to go poking around her presumably 100% vegan voice messages. But the obvious guess is that they were trying to dig up some exclusive dirt during her divorce from Paul McCartney.
Fun Fact: If you’d like to take a moment to commend us for making it all the way through this write-up without once mentioning the fact that Heather Mills only has one leg, please do so now. We’ll wait.
5. Ulrika Jonsson
Where You Know Her From: Ulrika Jonsson is a Swedish-born television presenter. She was first noticed during her days as a television weather girl, a gig that eventually led to a spot as the host of a show called Gladiators, which is a British adaptation of the American television series American Gladiators. They send us The Office, we send them roided up freaks beating each other with gigantic Q-tips. That seems fair.
Hacked Because: Here’s a funny story! A few years ago, a senior executive at News of the World warned Ulrika Jonsson that she shouldn’t use voice mail, because they, meaning the newspaper, could listen to it. And then, when this scandal broke, it sure as shit came out that News of the World had been listening to Jonsson’s voice mails. Chicks just never listen, man.
But shady newspaper editors do! And since Jonsson’s personal life has been the subject of all sorts of controversy and speculation over the past few years (foreshadowing alert!), her voice mail likely made for some top notch listening material.
Fun Fact: She doesn’t look like that anymore!
4. Elle MacPherson
Where You Know Her From: You probably know Elle MacPherson best from the poster of her you had hanging on your wall when you were a teen. Or maybe you know her from those iconic Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covers. Or maybe you just remember this…
Whatever the case, if you’re reading this site, you probably have at least a cursory knowledge of who Elle MacPherson is and a palm that breaks into uncontrollable spasms every time you think about how you gained that knowledge.
Hacked Because: Damn if we know why Elle MacPherson’s voice mail was hacked. For all we know, someone was just fapping it to her voice. Her personal life hasn’t been all that dramatic. Sure, she’s dated Billy Joel and Kevin Costner, but we all make hilarious mistakes at some point.
Like this, for example. Can you believe he actually married her?!?!?
And besides, the incident that got her named in the scandal happened in 2006, a year after she broke off her engagement to some dude named Arpad Busson. That’s long after the days of cavorting with the likes of the Piano Man. We sure as hell hope someone isn’t currently facing prison time just because they wanted to get the drop on the Busson/MacPherson breakup story, because that’s some boring shit. But it looks like that could be the likely culprit.
Fun Fact: She also dated Bryan Adams for awhile. Bryan. Fucking. Adams.
3. Victoria Beckham
Where You Know Her From: Where do you know Victoria Beckham from? She was only the POSHEST member of the greatest British girl group of all-time! The Spice Girls? Maybe you’ve heard of them?
Maybe you wish you never did?
She’s also married to some soccer player. But that’s not important.
Hacked Because: Yeah, that thing about her being married to a soccer player not being important? That was a lie. She is very much married, that much is true. But that marriage is very important, because the soccer player she’s married to is David Beckham, also known as “the only soccer player anyone in America has ever heard of.”
We’re pretty sure that’s him on the left.
If dude is big enough that even those of us who follow interesting sports have heard of him, then obviously he’s a big deal. The paparazzi in England follow Victoria and David Beckham around like the LAPD follows Lindsay Lohan whenever she makes a late night “cigarette run.” Hell, someone is probably hacking the Beckham’s voice mail again right now (and they’re probably hearing a creepy message from Tom Cruise).
Fun Fact: She released a solo album in 2001. Nobody bought it.
2. Sienna Miller
Where You Know Her From: It seems like actress Sienna Miller is always the victim. If it’s not someone hacking her voice mail, it’s her boyfriend nailing the nanny behind her back and then blaming her for it. She just can’t catch a break.
But at least this never happened!
Hacked Because: It’s just those nanny banging type of stories that likely made Sienna Miller a target for unscrupulous Murdoch soldiers in the first place. But whatever, she’s probably just happy to no longer be at the center of the largest “actor-nailing-the-help” scandal of all-time. Good looking out, Governator!
Fun Fact: She made waves in 2006 for making disparaging remarks about the city of Pittsburgh to a magazine reporter while filming a movie in that very city. Unsurprisingly, several Pittsburgh residents went on record as not exactly disagreeing with her.
1. Abi Titmuss
Where You Know Her From: Where do you know her from? That depends, where are you right now? If you’re in the United States, you probably know her from when we just now posted a picture of a smoking hot blonde improbably named Abi Titmuss. That’s about as far as our knowledge goes also. We were mostly just excited to see a name like “Abi Titmuss” on the list of hacking victims.
Hacked Because: Check this shit out. Abi Titmuss is a former nurse who became famous for being the girlfriend of British television presenter John Leslie at the exact same time that he was in the news for being named in a book as the man who raped…Ulrika Jonsson, who you might remember as the #5 woman on this list.
Since then, Titmuss (never gets old, seriously) has gone on to do some television and movie work. But likely nothing that brings the same kind of attention that dating a creepy raper does.
Fun Fact: She famously told the Sunday Mirror once that she’s “not like those glamour girls who say: ‘I’m really dirty, I’m really bad’, then just pose around. I really am dirty and bad – I love sex.”
Shit, we kind of want to check out her voice mail now too.