The board games we wish existed.
Updated to accommodate all the nuances of life as a celebrity in 2011/2012, this game includes occupations like serial philanderer and abusive coke fiend. Participants are in a race against each other to the top…and then the bottom by collecting Life Cards that determine their path as a celebrity; the lucky will be top-billed in a hit film and win an Oscar while the others could be jailed for any number of felony convictions. The game goes on and on until one player draws the Charlie Sheen card simply titled “Winning.”
MONOPOLY: BAILOUT EDITION
Things have certainly changed in the latest version of Monopoly; rather than players stealing mercilessly from the bank, the bank is almost always stealing from them. Nearly all of the properties are worthless and since you’re playing as your favourite corrupt executive, you never have to go to jail. The game only ends when a player has gone completely bankrupt and all the other players go broke bailing him out.
GUESS WHO? SEXTING EDITION
Much like the original, the new Guess Who pits two players against each other in a race to discover the identity of a mystery person. The catch? The game no longer contains cartoon faces but blurred lewd cellphones photos of various high-profile genitalia. Players ask questions like “did your penis play for the Green Bay Packers?” or “have your balls ever been elected to a political office?”
BATTLESHIP: TERRORIST EDITION
Like the original, players must make educated guesses as to where their opponent’s targets might be except that there are no targets and instead players just shoot wildly into the night. After about two years of play, one player may proclaim “Mission: Accomplished” but must continue playing for an indeterminate amount of time.
TEA PARTY TRIVIAL PURSUIT
This game invokes all the knowledge testing questions of the original except that players must answer them as inaccurately as possible.
SOCIAL MEDIA SCRABBLE
Players of Social Media Scrabble are awarded points based on complex, often nonsensical abbreviations of common terms. For instance something like “lol” will score you seven points while “rotflmao” will score 35. Players win when they have reached exactly 140 characters on the board. Grammatical accuracy earns you negative points while @mentions double your word-score.
SETTLERS OF CATAN: GLOBAL REALISM EDITION
Requiring four players to play, the game is set up much like the original except that three players start with zero resources and are unable to collect any as the game progresses while one player has an unlimited number and may distribute them as he sees fit.