Three City to City Trades We’d Like to See

If this year’s NBA season has taught us anything, it’s that big trades between big cities can be big, BIG fun. Not since the days of trading pudding packs for tater-tots in the school cafeteria has so much been on the line.

In many ways, trading people seems a bit barbaric. “I’ll give you this big guy if you give me two little guys, and a third mystery man to be named later.” Weird?

Unfortunately, I don’t currently own an NBA team (my money is tied up in a Nigerian diamond transaction), and a freak keg stand accident killed my basketball playing prospects years ago. I do, however, like to make trades. So, where does that leave me? You guessed it… Nowhere! Or, with a list of trade prospects to benefit us all.

Trade 1: Los Angeles to New York

I have lived in both of these cities, and although Carmelo Anthony is being hailed as NYC’s greatest import since boatloads of Italian immigrants, I assure you that some coast to coast trading would make both cities a better place to live.

I propose that NYC give up half of their pizza places in exchange for half of LA’s medicinal marijuana joints (pun intended). Also, Los Angeles will throw in three weeks of good weather in exchange for an extra nightly hour of drinking time (currently bars in LA close at 2am). Los Angeles will give up two dozen blond and tan aspiring actresses for three dozen New York brunette and less tan aspiring models.

Finally, LA will give up Lakers super-fan Jack Nicholson for Knicks super fan Spike Lee and a yet-to-be-named famous fair weather super fan to be named in the future.

Trade 2: Cleveland to Miami

Unlike the last transaction between these two cities, this one should be a little more promising (at least for Cleveland).

For starters, Cleveland says so long to the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame which will re-open in South Beach, but in exchange will finally get logos for their football team’s helmets. The second part of this deal will give Cleveland all of the illegal immigrants who are currently floating into Miami in exchange for up to 12 feet of unwanted Cleveland snow per winter.

The girls from the University of Miami will head north, however, Drew Carey will be officially declared a Miami native, thereby putting all Cleveland hookers out of work. Also, “The Cleveland Show” will be re-named “The Miami Show” if, and only if, Miami agrees to re-shoot scenes from “Scarface” in Ohio.

Trade 3: Boston to Chicago

Bean Town and The Windy City (which would be a great name for a really gassy blues band), presents some interesting trade options.

For starters, Oprah goes east for a combo platter of Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and a hell of a lot of lobster rolls. The accents are an even swap.

Boston will acquire the Chicago White Sox, and merge with their current team to create the Boston Pink Sox (the fans will still be annoying). Tom Brady’s hair will go to Chicago, where it will be placed on Mike Ditka’s upper lip for eternity. Chicago will give up half of its cured meats, and a future mystery meat.

Finally, both cities will exchange one of their fattest, drunkest residents.

Happy Trading America!

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.