As sports fans are well aware, they’re probably going to be forced to care about hockey for at least the first few weeks of basketball season, and probably for the entire season at the rate discussions are going between the players. At root, of course, is money…so we have a few solutions that everybody will hate, but might actually work.
Salary Caps For Everybody!
The problem, the league insists, is that most of the owners aren’t making money, because their teams suck. We’re pretty sure that not even Michael Jordan is willing to pay to watch the Wizards suck for three hours. So, they whine, they can’t make any money.
This, of course, is not the fault of a system that encourages recruiting players before they’re ready and not actually enforcing morals clauses whenever a player makes a jackass out of himself because that, apparently, is asking too much. It’s got to be the players getting 57% of the revenue, because why should the people that do all the actual work get the money? That’s not how America works, dammit!
So, here’s a simple solution, since most of the owners are billionaires running the team as a hobby anyway: salary caps for everybody, including the owners and especially David Stern. How about a million bucks for everybody, and the rest of the money goes to a needy charity, like the WNBA?
Taking All Those Endless Playoff Games to Their Own Damn Cable Channel
This would solve a whole bunch of problems. All the teams nobody wants to see could collect a little advertising revenue as the few good teams absolutely murder them on the way to glory, the big teams could have 24-hour playoff coverage, the league would be able to flip off the NFL, and the rest of us who just want to watch the Championship instead of sitting through the longest pointless bracket argument ever can get the stats on the Internet.
Then, during the week where there aren’t any playoffs, have specialty reality shows to bring in more money. The NBA is just full of programming ideas: “Ron Artest’s Fan Beatdown”, “Who’s Got The Glock In Their Escalade This Week?”, and “The Biggest Loser: Conspicuous Consumption Edition”, are just a few ideas.
This would be a great way for the league to build more celebrities who aren’t just running fodder for awful jokes on Sportscenter, and also keep them from embarrassing themselves, by, you know, calling them out occasionally. Besides, it’d be a great way to bring back all those beloved former basketball players the league keeps trotting out to remind us that we cared about basketball in the ’80s.
Sell The Most Annoying Whiners On Both Sides To the Chinese and Steal Their Stuff
Hey, why mess around? Would you really miss, say, Mark Cuban if he was shipped off to Beijing tomorrow never to return? Would anybody? We’re actually pretty sure the City of Dallas would give the NBA a medal for doing that, actually. At least until the Cuban clones mounted their attack on the city from the secret cloning labs owned by the Chinese, deep underneath Texas.
This solves two problems: one, it shuts a lot of annoying people up once and for all, thus making hearing about basketball news tolerable again. Hell, we’re already doing it to Kenyon Martin, why stop with him?
Two, it’ll give the league a massive influx of cash, which apparently it desperately needs. Cuban alone would fill in that $300 million revenue gap. Sell LeBron to the Shanghai River Boat Raiders, and the league will probably be solvent for a decade.
Replace Everybody With Robots
And by “everybody”, we, again, mean “everybody”. From the league president right down to the lowliest owner, everybody is replaced with a robot, specially built for the task by the Mythbusters. The build special alone would be a ratings bonanza, although keeping the Kobe Bryant-bot away from the cheerleaders when they’re shut down might be a problem.
OK, so it probably would be about as exciting as watching, say, the Lakers curbstomp the Clippers again, but we can engineer just as many blatant talent disparities as there are in the actual league, thus making it just like watching the regular season. Also, since they can be programmed to do the same thing over and over and over again, it’ll save a lot of time, since that’s pretty much what most of the league does already anyway.
Just Sell the Teams To the Federal Government
Look, the government has all sorts of money-losing propositions on the books, and they’re actually pretty good at this. They’re used to having to take a business some jackass who inherited all his wealth and never worked a day in his life ran completely into the ground due to his own arrogance chock full of whiny, entitled employees who think they’re God’s gift, pumping it full of money, and then keeping it around well after they should have gone Old Yeller on its ass.
Think about it: this may be the perfect fusion. The players can’t really complain because everybody knows government pays badly, but they’d get great benefits and finally, they’d stop having problems with the cops. It means revenue will start flowing into the government’s coffers, especially since the states have already paid for the stadiums anyway. NBA Commissioner could be a federally appointed office, meaning most of America would start caring about politics again, although they’d probably keep voting in some fat evil white guy. The owners could collect a tidy sum and go somewhere far away from us.
And what can the government hand out instead of actual tax refund checks to reduce the deficit? That’s right. NBA tickets. It’d drive up attendance, and at the very least mean the stadium could sell a few beers and hot dogs. Well, probably not for the Wizards, but hey, it can’t hurt anywhere else.