Five Tips for Determining If Your Girlfriend Is A Spy

When you think of people working for any of the various covert intelligence organizations around the world, a specific image probably comes to mind: Powerful, intelligent, experienced, and of course, manly. So it might surprise you to find out that, in our modern times, women are ever more likely to work for organizations such as the CIA.

This creates a conundrum for any men out there who’ve ever had doubts about what their significant others actually do for a living. After all, how can you really be sure that the girl you’re dating isn’t a spy? You know, without straight-up asking her, in which case she could tell you (but then she’d have to kill you. The problem here is that every woman is different, and you can’t necessarily judge yours based on a few small oddities of behavior or ability.

However, if she meets several of the following criteria, you might just have a spy on your hands.

She Seems Unusually Good at Strange Things

Does your girlfriend make a party trick out of throwing knives? When you went for a sailboat trip last summer, did she seem to know an awful lot about different types of knots, despite the fact she’d never been on a boat before in her life? Did she manage to sneak out of handcuffs the last time the two of you were arrested together, and then put them back on before she could be charged with trying to escape?

If so, you could just chalk her surprising talents up to her being an awesome girlfriend who always keeps you surprised and entertained. Or you could stop fooling yourself and realize that she’s got more up her sleeve than the ace that helps her win every time at poker (she’s a card shark, as well, we’re guessing).

She Suddenly Starts Disappearing at Odd Hours

If your girlfriend pulls a disappearing act during weird times of the day or night, and she won’t explain herself, then you better hope that she’s a spy (or that she’s planning you a surprise birthday party) because other possible explanations will be much harder for you to stomach.

The thing about spying is, you don’t always end up on months-long jaunts to distant locations. Sometimes whatever activities you have to do take place locally. However, chances are that they aren’t taking place in broad daylight, because dastardly deeds tend to go down when fewer people are likely to be watching. Be especially suspicious if her schedule changes drastically from what it normally is; this could signal a change in assignment or level of responsibility. Or indicate that she’s trying to avoid a hit that’s been put out on her.

She Speaks Rare Languages

It’s not weird at all if your girlfriend tries to act cool or smart by practicing the remnants of French or Spanish left over in her brain from high school on your vacations together. It is a little weird, however, if she’s throwing out fluent Mandarin or Zulu seemingly just for the hell of it. And don’t buy her excuse that she took a class or two in college, or that she spent a summer abroad. If she’s been out of school for more than a couple of years and she’s still really good, chances are she’s had time to practice, and few reasons are as compelling to brush up on your language skills as having to use them in life-or-death situations involving disguising your own identity or not making mistakes when communicating with locals.

She’s Stronger Than You

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with girls being tough, especially if they’re into exercising or sports. And we can’t fault some guys being on the weaker side; after all, everyone needs to spend some time “resting” their muscles from constant exertion and “waiting” for the perfect time to get back in shape. Still, the average male is pretty much guaranteed to be stronger than the average female, just due to the fact that men, on average, have more muscle mass than women (**Editor’s Note: And there’s more where that came from, ladies).

One thing about spies that the movies don’t always show is that they’re supposed to be subtle, so despite the fact that they’re training in defensive arts to protect themselves if things go wrong, they probably won’t blatantly look it. That means you can’t necessarily tell her strength just by looking at her. But if you notice that your girl has no problem lifting her side of the couch on moving day while you struggle with your end, or if she casually hoists 30 packs of beer above her head when you’re on your way to your favorite camping spot, she might, indeed, be a spy. Or she’s just stronger than you. We hope for your sake that it’s the former.

She Knows How To Use A Gun

Ever since the time of the Amazons, there have been women warriors. Women willing to make and capable of making use of weapons aren’t a new phenomenon. However, all it takes is a quick peek into armed forces training or a round of paintball or Airsoft to know that, in general, women just aren’t as into guns as men are.

Chances are good (we sincerely hope) that you’ll never have the opportunity to witness your significant other brandishing a firearm. But if you do ever end up at a firing range together, or if you are side by side when the zombie apocalypse unfolds, then take a moment to assess her skills. Is she cool, confident, and collected as she fires round after round straight to the bull’s eye of the target? Then it’s possible, my friend, that you’re dating a female spy. Which might be awesome for you, or might suck. But at least now you know what you’re up against.