Awhile back, Stephen Colbert had members of both Vampire Weekend and The Black Keys on his show to mockingly award them his Grammy vote for “Biggest TV Commercial Sell Out.” In case you haven’t seen one second of television lately, The Black Keys have sold their songs as jingles to companies like Zales and Victoria’s Secret and Vampire Weekend has been used as a soundtrack for Tommy Hilfiger and Honda. So if selling out is the new black, we decided to check out the pop charts and match up songs with potential advertisers, from Rihanna and dementia pills to Gwyneth Paltrow and home repair tools.
Rihanna’s “What’s My Name” and Aricept Alzheimer’s Medication
While this might seem like an odd pairing, it’s actually a perfect fit when you pay attention to the song’s refrain: “Oh na, na, what’s my name?” There a lot of people who call their grandmother Nana, so Rihanna’s words washing over a poignant grand daughter/grandmother moment could be very touching.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Country Strong” and Lowe’s Home Repair Stores
Lowe’s is huge with the NASCAR crowd because of its sponsorship of Cup champ Jimmie Johnson’s ride. A way to commercialize that bond would be to put Gwyneth in a pair of Daisy Dukes and a tool belt belting out her movie hit single “Country Strong” as a log cabin gets built in the background.
Katy Perry’s “Firework” and K-Y INTENSE Female Arousal Gel
If you’re going to use a Katy Perry song in a commercial it needs to be sexy. And who wouldn’t want to see Perry crooning “Baby you’re a firework, Come on let your colors burst!” as a hot model gets down with female arousal gel.
Taylor Swift’s “Back to December” and Hallmark Greeting Cards
This is a natural fit because Taylor Swift’s lyrics all basically amount to a Hallmark card anyway. For a new line of “let’s get back together” cards, Hallmark could easily cut and paste this limp line just fine: “So this is me swallowing my pride, Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night.”
Kanye West’s “Monster” and Neutrogena Hand Cream
The easy way to go with this song would be to match it up with a Monster Energy Drink spot. But if you wanted to really mix things up, use it to sponsor a hand moisturizer like Neutrogena. Kanye’s refrain — “I’ma need to see your f-cking hands at the concert” played over a sea of beautiful women waving their perfect hands could go over huge.
Usher’s “OMG” for the iPhone on Verizon
So many people have ripped on AT&T’s service for the iPhone that having Usher sing this hit to a new Verizon iPhone while successfully texting OMG over and over again would be a perfect diss.
Travie McCoy’s “Billionaire” for E*Trade
This online trading site has shown itself to be a pretty clever outfit with its E*Trade baby mascot. A great way for them to take this concept to next level would be for their infant spokesperson to rap this tune about extreme conspicuous consumption.
Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You” for Match.com
Because the best way to forget your last girlfriend is to find the next one.