Five Musicians Who Should Start Doing Drugs Again
Drugs are a horribly destructive force. They drain bank accounts and ruin families and lives. They destabilize governments, encourage organized crime, and also gave lots of fuel to that annoying guy in your dorm room who kept thinking he was saying profound philosophical things but was really just being a jackass.
But we will say this: musicians generally tend to work better when they’re high. Don’t believe us? Look what happened when these five legends quit using the hard stuff…
1. Elton John
Pre-Sobriety: “Rocket Man”, “Bennie and the Jets,” “The Bitch Is Back,” “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
Post-Sobriety: “The Lion King” soundtrack, “Candle In The Wind” turned into a shameless cry for attention after Lady Di bought it, kissing Eminem.
It’s not cool to admit you listen to Elton John, but, for about twenty years, Elton John did two things extremely well: snort cocaine and put out some of the greatest singles of the ’70s. It did terrible things to his health and his fashion sense, but musically, it’s miraculous in of itself that he put out so many awesome songs in a decade famous for disco and prog rock.
Then he stopped doing drugs, and things seemed OK at first: “I’m Still Standing,” and “Crocodile Rock” were both pretty great. But then, things rapidly went to hell. He went from being a musician that you weren’t ashamed to have on your iPod to putting out music even adult contemporary stations would alphabetize under “P” for pussy. Has he put out an album even your mom has cared about since Diana hit the wall?
So…for his own good…start back up with the coke, Sir Elton. What’s the worst that could happen, aside from making music people can stand again?
2. Aerosmith
Pre-Sobriety: “Walk this Way,” “Sweet Emotion,” “Big Ten-Inch Record,” “Dream On”
Post-Sobriety: We’re pretty sure their last five albums are the same album, just in a different package.
Also one has a harmonica that comes with it.
Aerosmith is one of the greatest bands ever, if for no other reason than they covered a song that was basically a three-minute long dick joke and turned it into a mainstream hit. They pretty much created hard rock and sold millions of albums. Then…well…then the drugs kind of screwed them up.
That said, and as bad as it got for them, at this point, they probably need drugs if for no other reason than to make any of their songs sound different from the others. True, living in the past has made them offensively rich as fifty-year-olds shell out triple figures for nosebleed tickets. On the other hand, when Nickelback steals your bit, only they’re crappy, and stay more culturally relevant, there’s a real problem.
Also, it would be a gentle mercy to Steven Tyler. How do you be a judge on American Idol without being stoned out of your mind? Especially when an episode is dedicated to strip-mining your back catalogue?
3. Motley Crue
Pre-Sobriety: “Dr. Feelgood,” “Shout At the Devil,” “Smokin’ In the Boys Room,” “Girls Girls Girls”
Post-Sobriety: Ummmmm…Tommy Lee and Vince Neil both released sex tapes?
We’ll make a special exception for Nikki Sixx: considering his drug experiences, we’ll let him off the hook. Once you do enough heroin to stop your heart, get revived, and keep doing heroin, your sobriety is too hard-won to let go. But the rest of the band, not so much. No, Tommy Lee, not even your hepatitis is an excuse.
They’ve actually been fairly successful since they reunited in 2004, at least on the Mainstream Rock charts…which is a bit like saying every time they play a state fair they sell it out. But just compare any of their hits from the recent past to any of their ’80s successes, and you’ll notice they’re…kind of awful.
We guess it’s hard to sing about the rock n’ roll lifestyle when you have to concern yourself with sticking to your doctor recommended aspirin regimen and eating enough fiber to keep yourself regular, but still, come on guys. Bring back the ’80s excess.
4. Paul McCartney
Pre-Sobriety: “Back In The USSR,” “Get Back,” “Helter Skelter,” “Paperback Writer,” “Live and Let Die”
Post-Sobriety: “Give My Regards to Broad Street,” all the sugary crap the Beatles produced before they discovered acid, Wings, Linda McCartney allowed near a microphone
Granted, Paul was always the wuss of the Beatles, but he and Lennon made a great team: Lennon cut down the sugar, while Paul cut down Lennon’s self-righteous whining. When Paul was allowed to write on his own, we got songs like “Yesterday,” which is the single most covered song of all time and probably one of the worst songs the Beatles ever put out.
Once they split up, Lennon became the kind of hippie everybody wants to punch in the face, only with a billion dollars, which makes “Imagine” the biggest passive-aggressive douche move of all time.
McCartney became…well…famous for being that Beatle who puts out albums everybody buys but nobody listens to.
Still, there’s definitely a slide that becomes more pronounced over time. Partially that’s because he apparently is unable to marry a woman who isn’t completely insane, we’re guessing, and also that Wings sucked, but we’ve also got to chalk that up to his taking drugs, because he did turn out a few songs worth listening to while Lennon was off smelling his own farts.
5. Eminem
Pre-Sobriety: The Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP
Post-Sobriety: Relapse, Recovery
Part of Eminem’s appeal is that as a human being, he’s a goddamn train wreck. Fighting with his mother, writing songs about wanting to murder his ex, mocking the Insane Clown Posse…this is why we listen to him. Not to hear him whine about how much his life sucks.
Part of the problem is that his drug habit is incredibly wussy. Snoop allegedly drops $1000 a day on weed, many rappers are rumored to smoke crack, and Eminem is addicted to…prescription drugs. Yes, it’s a serious problem…but Eminem does the same drugs as that guy selling you insurance and the housewife in front of you in Taco Bell. It’s not even white trash, and hearing him whine about it makes it even wimpier. He might as well have just titled his last few albums White People Problems.
On the other hand, anything off of “Recovery” is still better than the entirety of 50 Cent’s catalog, so there’s that.
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5 Musicians Who Should Start Doing Drugs Again…
This article has been featured on Gunaxin Links…
10:14 am on August 4th, 2011
NO!!!!!!!!! you cant say these kinds of things!
1:26 pm on August 4th, 2011
You’re a total faggot.
4:47 pm on August 4th, 2011
With or without drugs Aerosmith sucks.
6:24 pm on August 4th, 2011
Saints of Los Angeles is actually a pretty damn good album by Crue standards.
8:59 pm on August 4th, 2011
How can you fit so much disrespect into one article. “Since Diana hit the wall” ?? honestly?. And SIR Paul Mcartney is a fucking musical genious and yesterday is one of the BETTER songs The Beatles made.
10:24 pm on August 4th, 2011
this is actually the worst article I have ever read on the net. This was just an angry writer with nothing better to do. shameful.
12:32 am on August 5th, 2011
Jeez you’re a bunch of whiny pussies!
5:31 am on August 5th, 2011
This was a mean spirited, half-assed excuse for an article. You make Cracked look like a scholarly library of knowledge.
8:13 am on August 5th, 2011
5 Musicians Who Should Start Doing Drugs Again…
This article has been featured on Gunaxin Links…
8:43 am on August 5th, 2011
Nikki Sixx has done his best work as a result of his battle with, and subsequent defeat of, heroine addiction. Pre-sobriety, he was a talentless spooge for the mediocre Motley Crue. Now, he’s really shown himself to be amazingly talented. And the rest of Motley Crue has devolved into empty puppets.
8:48 am on August 5th, 2011
You are an ass. We’ve just lost Amy who else needs to needlessly die. Your scum to even suggest this.
8:49 am on August 5th, 2011
live and let die, was a wings song
10:59 am on August 5th, 2011
Recovery was fucking awesome, if you even fucking listened to it. And don’t even claim to be trolling.
11:09 am on August 5th, 2011
Definetly Noel Gallagher.
His new songs are ok but nothing has ever come close to Definetly Maybe and Whats the Story Morning Glory.
Im a big Oasis fan by the way.
2:58 pm on August 5th, 2011
“Yesterday” was one of the worst Beatles songs?…you must be high…or have never done a drug in your life.
4:28 pm on August 5th, 2011
You people are fucking idiots. Yesterday is milquetoast pap. Macca wrote Helter Skelter, Oh Darling, Paperback Writer. Those are amazing songs. Yesterday is fucking Celine Dion of the 60s. Go fuck yourselves. No dope, no soul. If you disagree, you are an idiot.
7:03 pm on August 5th, 2011
Metallica got sober and turned into Skynardtallica then Newsted called them out for being pussies and they fired him. Now they’re just Grumpytallica.
Red Hot Chili Peppers were the Guardians of Funk. The worked with George Clinton. They wanted to party on your pussy. Now I can’t tell them apart from Taylor Swift.
11:19 pm on August 5th, 2011
Good idea for an article, horrible execution. Maybe the writer should start doing drugs again
2:52 am on August 6th, 2011
who ever wrote this article is a dumbass drugs suck balls why would you want people to get on them especially role models your a ignorant motherflunker
10:10 am on August 6th, 2011
forgot trent reznor
11:33 am on August 6th, 2011
kid cudi!
1:02 pm on August 6th, 2011
“We’ve just lost Amy”.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah.
Wow.
1:10 pm on August 7th, 2011
I agree with the prior comment about Metallica and The RHCPs. Death Magnetic was actually a decent album, but no where near good enough to make up for the irreversible damage that St. Anger did to my ears. Blood Sugar Sex Magic is one of the greatest albums of all time, but I have not been able to listen to a full Chili Peppers album since. They are just that bad.
As far as the article, Eminem is actually doing some of the best work of his career right now. “White people problems”? How about “The only rapper with the balls to actually be honest about the dangers and repercussions of drug use”? For someone who basically built his career on being known as a drug addict, he took a huge gamble by getting clean and an even bigger one by incorporating his recovery into his music. He should be applauded for that, not ridiculed.
Everyone else on the list should just OD and die… except Elton John.
On a side note, the Beatles are dieing in descending order of coolness. Thus, Paul McCartney will probably live forever.
9:17 pm on August 7th, 2011
How can such a short list be so full of fail?
7:34 am on August 8th, 2011
your all pussys. i agree with this article, more artists should be on drugs, actually all artists should be on drugs. and i mean hard drugs like heroin and cocaine
12:56 pm on August 8th, 2011
whoever wrote this knows nothing about music.
6:10 pm on August 8th, 2011
On the Eminem inclusion, he’s still one of the most refreshing artists out there despite being enormously popular for over 10 years now. He’s so lyrically on point that it makes most mainstream rappers seem retarded. Sure, early Eminem was better but his style was so maniacal that it would seem absurd if he was still doing it.
6:00 am on August 10th, 2011
Please check out my facebook page to listen and download my songs… T.I.Ecstasy strictly Hip Hop,,, LIKE page and leave ur comment
9:23 pm on August 10th, 2011
No Scott Weiland from STP???
11:36 am on August 11th, 2011
Recovery sold 4 million albums and won a grammy for best rap album. Bad meets Evil has been #1 on the rap charts since it came out and will sell well over 1 million records. I think it’s safe to say that Em’s career is doing ok now that he is sober
WTF is this guy talking about??
6:18 pm on August 11th, 2011
basically the guy that wrote this is a total hater and doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. dude, seriously? everyone has their own opinions, but your opinions fucking suck. you’re a piece of shit, and you don’t know good music when you here so hey go to hell.
10:31 am on January 18th, 2012
wings were pretty fucking good
3:54 am on March 21st, 2012
Funny article.
After Marshall Mathers everything goes downhill for Eminem, except a few singles. Shake That was ok, but it wouldn’t have been anything without Nate Dogg.
2:13 pm on June 20th, 2012
Now while I don’t like the tone of this article, and consider it extremely selfish and irresponsible to wish that anyone take drugs for my benefit, Say Anything’s music was really inspirational before Max Bemis had some kind of psychotic bipolar episode from excessive cannabis use, or at least as far as my knowledge on the matter goes, and underwent some kind of treatment, which I assume included rehabilitation.
But I still have ..Is a Real Boy, it’s still brilliant and it’s not going anywhere. And I actually would prefer Max to stay balanced and healthy (assuming he is), even at the cost of any musical genius, which is really no more than a matter of person opinion when you get down to it.
5:23 pm on August 29th, 2012
I hardly ever comment on blogs but this one is just so fuckin retarded I wanted to let the author know how much of a dumbass he really is so here’s my comment your stupid as shit
6:38 pm on November 28th, 2012
Drugs and music go hand in hand, so much of the best was made with an altered state of mind.
I actually stumbled across a site dedicated to drug-inspired music: http://www.stereodose.com/
Eminem’s “Drug Ballad” never gets olddd!
1:32 pm on January 23rd, 2013
Who is this clown who wrote this article. The only rappers you know is Eminem & 50 cent. There is no rappers who are rumored to smoke crack wtf. Nobody would listen to a crackhead rapper. Only people who smoke crack are Trailer Trash White Folks, Old Heads in the hood whose 40+ and gave up on life years ago because they are still poverty stricten, Bobby Brown, and El Debarge. Know something about hip hop before you speak on it. Eminem is barely in hip hop culture since 95% of his fanbase is white.
3:01 am on March 25th, 2013
what a dope, elton John never wrote a hit song, that credit belongs to Bernie Taupin, who collaberated on many vocal and instrument melodies as well, sounds like someone needs to stop doing drugs before he writes his articles… sheesh