A Useful Guide to Selecting Your Multiple Wives


For the most part, when it comes time to settle down, it seems like there is much more “settling” and much less [going] “down.” But, these days, with the popularity of shows like Sister Wives, and news headlines about Osama Bin Laden’s three wives…er… three widows, the topic of multiple wives is hotter then the concept of a menage-a-honeymoon.

But why should weird reality stars, hairy terrorists and creepy cult leaders have all the fun? Why can’t a regular guy like you or me put together a little dream team at our home? Aside from the fact it is illegal, having multiple wives may be just the thing to keep the divorce rate below 50%, while keeping us happy 100% of the time. Sure, you’d have multiple birthdays to forget instead of just one, and your TiVo would be 80% full of crappy Bravo shows instead of 50%, but think of how much extra use you’d get out of that fondue set you got for your multi-wedding.

1. Selecting Your Squad


I’ve been to enough weddings to know that “a married couple is a team.” Like all good teams (sorry Detroit), your multi-marriage needs to have specialists in all of the key positions: Sex, food, hanging out, mothering and sex. (NOTE: Just like when drafting a fantasy football team, you need to make sure the two sex wives don’t have “bye weeks” at the same time).

It is very hard to find one woman who excels in all of these areas. With multiple wives, you just need to focus on the specific areas that matter most. Bad meatballs? Who cares, if she’s good to your balls. Personally, I’d suggest picking the five things that are most important to you, and going from there. Anything over five would just seem ridiculous.

2. Ground Rules


Unless you want complete chaos, you’ll need to agree on some simple rules to keep both you and your wives happy. Since women usually hate other women, it will be up to you to keep the peace and limit the fighting to football season and “Mud Wrestling Mondays” (where most of the major house decisions will be made). Agreeing on rules to determine who sleeps where, the location of group dates and the placement of the toilet seat (up), will help you avoid future arguments.

3. Dealing with Other People


Many of your friends, family and perhaps even your other wives may not understand or condone your new lifestyle. Fuck ‘em. While you’re eating wife #3’s chicken and waffles, having a great conversation about the NBA Playoffs with wife #2, while wife #1 is working on her tan-lines; they’ll be eating, talking and having sex with the same woman. LAME! Besides, with your new All-Stars in place, you won’t need as much “escape” time as those boring monogamists do.

4. Special Occasions


While birthdays and Christmas may cost you a little more than if you were single, you will be receiving much more as well. Don’t decide between golf clubs or a hammock for the 3rd night of Ramadan; get both, and a new funny hat to boot. Plus, no need to worry about shoe-sizes or pesky store return policies, as you have a built in swap shop in your house now. The Anniversary is a sticky subject, as even the most understanding of women may get upset if you don’t go all out on your A-DAY. Plan a Multi-versary and you’ll actually come out ahead on buying flowers in bulk. “Happy Anniversaries! Now, take 12 roses from the bunch and pass them down.”

I wish you good luck as you set out into the world of multiple wives. Like multiple orgasms and multiple beer options, having more than one wife may bring you all the pleasures in the world. However, also like having multiple orgasms and multiple beers it can leave you exhausted and with a headache that won’t quit.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.