The lip tickler. Cookie duster. Flavor saver. Whatever you like to call it, this November, TSJ applauds you stash wearing trailblazers.
The month of November, called “Movember” (Mustache + November, get it?), by moustache sporters. The reason it’s encouraged for men to dawn their top hats to match their swashbuckling misplaced eyebrow is to raise awareness about male cancer (mainly prostate cancer). The slogan is: “Change the face of men’s health.”
TOMS x Movember
We at TSJ are all about ending cancer and anything that supports bitching mustaches.
Here are the rules of conduct given on the Movember site (us.movember.com):
- Once registered at movember.com each mo bro must begin the 1st of Movember with a clean shaven face
- For the entire month of November each mo bro must grow and groom a moustache
- There is to be no joining of the mo to [one's] sideburns (That’s considered a beard)
- There is to be no joining of the handlebars to [one's] chin (That’s considered a goatee)
- Each mo bro must conduct himself like a true country gentleman
The variety of mustache styles all say very different things. A man sporting a mustache can scream: “Hey man… I swing an axe for fitness!” It sometimes can say: “Hey man… what’s up my sleeve…. a stolen watch!” It even can say: “Hey man… I’m one creepy quirky motherfucker.”
Here’s our definitive list of our favorite stashes and what those stashes mean if you’re sporting it:
1. The Selleck – AKA – The Muff Diver
The Selleck screams you like the ’70s and you like bush. Women will know you’re the type of guy who isn’t afraid to go down and who is not afraid to wear a Hawaiian shirt.
2. The Brimley – AKA – The Fuck it All I Got Diabetes
When all looks lost, when shit in your life is hitting the fan, just say fuck it and grow a diabetes stash.
3. The Dali - AKA - The Bat Shit Crazy Hipster
You have one of these on your face, don’t forget to bring your Fedora you bought with your unemployment check.
4. The Swede - AKA - The Meatball and Fuzz
You look to cook. You like to be fucking crazy. You don’t speak in words people can understand!
5. The Burt - AKA - The Eager Beaver
All that cool charm. Good looks. Sassy attitude. Don’t let this stash fool you. This dude blows his load before I can finish this…
6. The Zappa - AKA - The Ultimate Badass
Sporting this blows everyone into bits when you’re walking down the streets of hell.
7. The Waters - AKA - The Pink Flamingo
This little pencil stash either screams of a pedophile or the best party you’ve ever been to. A party John Waters is at must be one of the weirdest, most outrageously fun party you’ll ever experience. But remember to keep your kids away.
8. The Rollie Jackson - AKA - The Jock Strap
In 1972, eccentric Oakland A’s owner Charlie Finley offered players $300 each to grow mustaches. The Mustache Gang was born. You like kegs and hitting softball jacks… than sport the Rollie Jackson.
9. The Lando - AKA - The Galaxy Pubes
The stash of the Galaxy.
10. The Taft - AKA - The Prez
This stash lets everyone know you pass congress bills as easy you pass gas.
11. The Chaplin - AKA - The Mistaken Hitler
Be careful with this one, fellas. You’re walking a very thin ice.
12. The Trebek - AKA - Mr. Trivia Smug
Mr. Know it All Guy. We hate you.
13. The Prefontaine - AKA - The Runner
Let the wind whip through this little beasty. Run as hard as you can. The Runner will never fly off.
14. The Groucho - AKA - You’re Not Funny
Fact: Initially, Groucho’s stash was grease paint makeup in his early Vaudeville years. But he later did grow the iconic stash we all know and love today. The stash. The cigar. The comedy. This cat had it all. But you really can’t pull this off, so don’t even try.
15. The Earp - AKA - The Horse Shit
The Gunman of the West stash also stepped in a lot of manure in his days.
16. The Nietzsche - AKA - The ???
The Neitzsche lets everyone know how many fucks you give about anything.
17. The Genghis - AKA - The Empire Baws
Thug Life Empire style running shit back in the days stash.
18. The Spitz - AKA - The Shaved Legs Not Face
Shave My Nuts Shave My Legs BUT Never Take My Stash Away. While swimmers shaved everything. This dude rocked a stash and won seven gold medals in Munich.
19. The Yosemite - AKA - The Chill Out, Bro
Chill out bro. You’re fucking angry. Enjoy your stash for the glory it is. And put down the fucking guns.
So get at it, men! Change the face of health and rock your probably gross mustache.
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