Missionary Mitt is All About the Ladies!

By Ian Orti

SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED SO FAR ABOUT THE GOP RACE? We know Newt Gingrich loves fucking, and Rick Santorum loves fucking without a condom, but what about Mitt R. Money? Surely when you add his Clark Kent good looks to his Daddy Warbucks wealth, you can only assume his dick has been dipped in gold. Well guess what? It kind of is.

You see, if there’s one thing Mitt R. Money is king at, it’s the missionary position. Mitt became an expert at the missionary position in France, of course, where he lived in palace-like conditions in Paris during the sexually and politically hedonistic days of the ‘68 uprising. That’s right! Of all the people doing the missionary position in France in the late sixties, Mitt was king. Which is exactly why America needs this chivalrous broad-backed, deep-pocketed Clark Kent-lookin’ language-of-love speaking expert of because above all else, Mitt R. Money is all about the ladies.

The Ladies

Mitt R. Money used to say he was pro-choice, which we can only assume meant that if he was going to show a woman how the missionary position was done, that it was up to her where he was going to do that. But it’s not. Mitt is “avidly pro-life” which probably explains why he likes to do his drilling outdoors in wild-life refuges.

Mitt knows it’s rough out there for the ladies, so as President, Mitt would protect women from things like doctors by punishing doctors who perform abortions. As an expert on women, Mitt would also protect women from their worse enemies: Other women. Not only would he never let a woman marry another woman, but he would prohibit abortions by expanding Bush-era policies of letting doctors refuse women contraceptives.

Sounds contradictory right–protecting women from doctors but letting doctors protect women from themselves, but that’s just part of Mitt’s charm and intellect. See, his intellectual contemporaries include media visionaries like Rush Limbaugh. But let’s not implicate Mitt in Rush’s latest scandal. After Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute, R. Money, in the defense of women, issued a firm verbal slap on the wrist to Limbaugh saying firmly that it was ”not the language I would have used.” Of course Mitt would never use those words. He’s way classier than that, which is why he would have called her a French word for slut or whore, like salope or putain. Fancy.

The Economy

When you live like a king in Paris because you’re in the know re: the missionary position, you learn to be a man who is always on top of things. Missionary Mitt is no exception. You see, as President, not only will Mitt R. Money fire anyone who fucks with America, he’ll take their house too. Mitt’s fired thousands of people who cut into his bottom line. He actually likes firing people, which is maybe why he doesn’t worry about America’s very poor. After all, with America’s great safety net that Mitt boasts about, what’s to worry about? Which is why he’s not against taking your muthafuggin house if you step out of fiscal line and get bogged down by pesky things like medical bills said to be responsible for a quarter of American foreclosures.

Mitt on Taxes

Forget socialist schemes like roads, sewer lines, water sanitation, sidewalks, highways, power lines, the military, schools, or books in those schools. Mitt knows tax-funded schemes never did any society any good. With shell companies set up in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, Missionary Mitt knows exactly what to do with tax dollars. Mitt’s so smooth with money that when it comes to his middle class tax cut, three quarters of middle class tax payers wouldn’t even know they were getting a tax break because they wouldn’t notice it. Did you feel that? Did you? Mitt R. Money just took your pants off and you didn’t even notice it. Take that Luther Vandross! Take that C.L. Smooth!

What Mitt R.Money brings to the presidential table, other than his obvious sexual power over women, and money, is kindness. What other candidate wants to send you on a holiday to a tropical country? Okay, well maybe not you, per se, but your job–see, Mitt supports offshoring almost as much as he supports drilling. It probably has to do with his love for France. You might say, well what is his contingency plan for those left poor and jobless after their jobs have been shipped overseas but to do so only reflects your ignorance to Mitt’s wisdom. The rest of us Mitt-loving, tax-haters know Mitt’s plan is easy: Just tax the poor. Problem solved, America. Problem solved.

Ian Orti is the author of The Olive and the Dawn (Snare Books) and L (and things come apart) (Invisible Publishing).

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
5 Reasons to Support Newt Gingrich (… Not)
American Cockfight: Rick Santorum

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