Let’s face it, some singers just don’t enunciate well at all. Thus, everybody’s bound to hear some lyrics incorrectly at least once in their life. Sometimes, it’s understandable. Jimi Hendrix was a star during the free love era, so it’s not crazy to think he might have “kissed this guy” at one point or another. And it’s not like “kiss the sky” makes a hell of a lot more sense anyway.

However, there are some misheard lyrics, documented on various websites for the world to see, that could only be misheard by an absolute idiot. All it takes is one second of thought, and the realization that there’s no way the singer actually sung what you thought you heard should come almost instantaneously. Sadly, for a lot of people, that’s one second too many.

Here are 23 misheard lyrics that expose the listener as a complete moron. All misheard lyrics taken from www.kissthisguy.com and www.amiright.com. We couldn’t stomach a third site.

David Bowie – “Fame”

The Lyrics: “Fame makes the man take things over.”

Somehow Misheard As: “Fame makes the mayonnaise take things over”

Stop. Think for a split second. Yes, David Bowie is weird. But no matter how weird he gets, he’s not singing about mayonnaise. Ever. Why? Because it’s MAYONNAISE! It’s white, you spread it on bread, and you eat it. It’s not poetic to anybody, not even the guy who once convinced us he was a Martian spider.

AFI – “Miss Murder”

The Lyrics: “Hey, Miss Murder, can I?”

Somehow Misheard As: “Hey where’s my napkin at?”

A team of moderators on the site that posted this lyric actually read this amusing anecdote and agreed with it. “Yeah, you know what? Murder DOES kinda sound like napkin. What a wacky misunderstanding!”

Shocking they actually heard the “hey” part correctly, since “hey” can be confused with just about any word out there, like “xenophobia” or “retarded.”

ABBA – “Dancing Queen”

The Lyrics: “Feel the beat from the tambourine”

Somehow Misheard As: “Feel the beat from the tangerine”

Well, it’s a song about music and dancing. Couldn’t possibly have considered that Abba MIGHT be singing about a tambourine? You know, that musical thing people use when playing music? The point of the song? Nothing? Well, maybe you should eat some lunch first, and then listen to your songs.

Gordon Lightfoot – “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”

The Lyrics: “The dawn came late and breakfast had to wait”

Somehow Misheard As: “The dung came late and the breakfast had to wait”

Well, if you have enough Raisin Bran for your breakfast, or perhaps a nice big bowl of Colon Blow, the dung will most certainly not come late. Lunch and dinner though? They’ll probably have to wait.

Moody Blues – “Question”

The Lyrics: “I’m looking for a miracle in my life”

Somehow Misheard As: “I’m looking for America Online”

Considering this song was released in 1970, they’re probably not singing about AOL. Even if they were VISITOOOOOOOOORSSSSS FROM THE FUUUUUTUUUUUURRRRE, they would only sing about AOL if they came from 1996. Any later than that and AOL would be too outdated to care about; they’d sing about looking for a nice unsecured Wi-Fi hotspot to leech off of. What rhymes with hotspot?

Robert Palmer – “Addicted To Love”

The Lyrics: “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.”

Somehow Misheard As: “My anus where your face is, you a dickhead to love.”

This is either the dumbest misinterpretation of a lyric ever, or the most blatant pick-up line ever heard at the local gay club. Anybody who goes to one, try this line out and let us know how well it worked.

Whitney Houston – “How Will I Know”

The Lyrics: “I’m asking you what you know about these things/How will I know if he’s thinking of me/I try to phone but I’m too shy (can’t speak)”

Somehow Misheard As: “I’m asking you what you know about bee stings/How will I know if he’s thinking of me/I try to fall but a flu shot (can’t speak)”

If what you know about bee stings is that they can be cured via flu shot, then you deserve your own TV show. “Tonight, on Worst Doctor In History, fifteen flu shots and the bees are still stinging! Has Dr. Dumbass finally met his match?”

Queen – “Bohemian Rhapsody”

The Lyrics: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me”

Somehow Misheard As: “The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee….”

Get over it, Freddy. Algebra was nothing. Calculus, on the other hand? Satanic vomit.

And even if devils were shoving demon math down your throat, your only reaction is to meekly squeak “eeeeeeee”? Little girls afraid of slimy worms sell their fear better than you do. So disappointing.

The Offspring – “Pretty Fly for a White Guy”

The Lyrics: “For you know a way, for you know a way/So if you don’t rate, just over compensate/At least you know you can always go on Ricky Lake/The world needs wannabes/The world loves wannabes/Let’s get some more wannabes”

Somehow Misheard As: “Do you know Wayne? Do you know Wayne?/So if you don’t date, just go hook up with Wayne/At least you know you can always go on Ricky Lake/The world needs one eyed pizza/The world loves one eyed pizza/Let’s get some more one eyed pizza”

Great advice for those who actually know total sluts named Wayne, but those of us who don’t are still alone, sadly chowing down on…one-eyed pizzas? The Hell? That doesn’t even work as an unsubtle innuendo. Get the wax out of your ears.

Robert Palmer – “Addicted To Love” (Yes, Again)

The Lyrics: “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.”

Somehow Misheard As: “Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.”

Oh hey, Robert Palmer! Good to see you again, and so soon too! Guess you should’ve slurred your words a little less.

This mishearing only works if the song is about a douchebag baseball player who spits on umpires and swings his bat at little children. Otherwise, nothing.

Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys – “Empire State of Mind”

The Lyrics: “Concrete jungle where dreams are made of”

Somehow Misheard As: “I’ve become a wet dream tomato”

Maybe. This line was sung by Alicia Keys, who certainly is a wet dream for many a young boy. And tomato is an actual slang term for a pretty girl, but only if you are a hip cat swinger from the 1920’s. You guys are OK; anyone else would just sound stupid.

Toto – “Africa”

The Lyrics: “I bless the rains down in Africa.”

Somehow Misheard As: “I smelled the rains down in Apricots.”

Double-whammy of dumb here. Not only is the title given away and still the listener screws it up, but they actually believed the singer was going on about apricots? The only thing less poetic than an apricot is a big jar of mayonnaise. And if you put the two together, not only would it be the worst song ever, but it would taste just awful.

Linkin Park – “Forgotten”

The Lyrics: “From the top to the bottom/Bottom to top I stop/At the core I’ve forgotten/In the middle of my thoughts/Taken far from my safety/The picture’s there/The memory won’t escape me/But why should I care”

Somehow Misheard As: “From the shop to the bottom/Bought a bad mascara/Attack of the forgotten/In the middle of my thighs/Drinking fire for my safety/The pigeon’s there/The mommy won’t escape me/But wash it with care”

This is beyond retarded. Who screws up an entire verse and interprets it this way? Either the real lyrics got sent through an English-to-Swahili-to-Mandarin Chinese-to Gaelic-to English translator, or the poster is Gollum. “Yesss, the Mommy won’t escapes us. We uses the bad mascara to wash it with care, we doessssss.”

Aerosmith – “Dude (Looks Like A Lady)”

The Lyrics: “Dude looks like a lady.”

Somehow Misheard As: “Do the psycho lady.”

This one could be excused, since Aerosmith have certainly had their share of psycho ladies in the past and would not be past singing about them. Just one small issue though: it’s the title of the song! How can you mess up a line that does nothing but sing the title, especially if the song’s been around for damn near 25 years?

Jimmy Buffett – “Margaritaville”

The Lyrics: “Searching for my lost shaker of salt”

Somehow Misheard As: “Searching for my Bob Seger and salt”

While there’s a fairly good chance that the only way you would willingly listen to Bob Seger is after eight or ten or twenty cold ones, it doesn’t make this misinterpretation any better. Unless you’re a freak of nature who takes their tequila salt-less. Then you might be justified. And insane.

Pantera – “Fucking Hostile”

The Lyrics: Almost every day/I see the same face/On broken picture tube/It fits the attitude

Somehow Misheard As: “Almonds every day/I see you saying grace/A broken Pikachu/Hey Fritz, the outer toe”

This is why Weird Al hates when fans send him parody ideas. Somebody gets drunk, bludgeons and butchers a song to death, studies the battered and mangled remains, and decides it’s just freakin’ hilarious. It is not, no matter how many chuckles you may get out of big tough Pantera playing Pokémon in between sets.

Jay-Z – “Big Pimpin”

The Lyrics: “Big pimpin’, spending G’s.”

Somehow Misheard As: “FDSAF”

Unless this was submitted by an old lady who was afraid FDSAF was an acronym for one of those new-fangled gangs that the rap singers are always hanging out in, then it’s completely and utterly brainless.

Avril Lavigne – “Complicated”

The Lyrics: “And honestly, you’ll promise me/I’m never gonna find you fakin’.”

Somehow Misheard As: “And honestly you promised me/I’m never gonna find your bacon”

It’s not enough that you act like a poser around your girlfriend, but now you’re going to deny her fried, delicious bacon? A food that can seduce you with its mere scent, even if you don’t actually like eating it? Most girls would kill for less than that, even if they’re like Miss Lavigne and probably only eat one toddler-size meal every three days or so.

Mumford and Sons – “Little Lion Man”

The Lyrics: “Your boldness stands alone among the wreck.”

Somehow Misheard As: “Your boner stands alone among the wreck.”

Man, the singer here is an asshole. Cars are totaled beyond recognition, fire is shooting everywhere, people are screaming for help, and this guy is actually turned on? Keep him away from the tailpipes.

Ricky Martin – “Livin’ La Vida Loca”

The Lyrics: “She’ll push and pull you down”

Somehow Misheard As: “Shampoo, Shampoo You Down”

As pathetic as it is that somebody listened to this song and decided it was about taking a bath, this could still work. All Rick has to do is sell the song to a shampoo company and sit back as the money pours in. Livin’ La Vidal Sassoon, anybody?

Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

The Lyrics: “Here we are now, entertain us”

Somehow Misheard As: “Here we are now, in containers”

Really? Containers? Yes, we all know Kurt mumbled and slurred his words, but why would he be singing about being in a container? Then again, who knows; this is the same guy who sang about mosquitos and albinos, both during the same damn chorus that mentions containers…we think.

Beach Boys – “Be True to Your School”

The Lyrics: “On Friday we’ll be jacked up on the football game”

Somehow Misheard As: “On my day we’ll all be jacking off at the football game”

And this was written back when football players were mostly big ugly brutes; Tom Brady and Tony Romo didn’t show up and be pretty for at least another 40 years. And they still couldn’t keep it in their pants? Some people have the weirdest standards.

The Who – “Behind Blue Eyes”

The Lyrics: “Nobody knows what it’s like to be the bad man.”

Somehow Misheard As: “Nobody knows what it’s like to be Batman.”

Least of all Joel Schumacher, are we right, nerds?!?!

Sorry, that was low. But honestly, even with the entire world in the throes of a severe LSD addiction, nobody is just running around thinking The Who are singing about Batman. Sure, they’ve got songs like “Boris the Spider” floating around in their catalog, but the bass player sang that shit, so it doesn’t even count.