Hair > Penis

The old adage “the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away” (which is really just a fancy way of saying that the Lord is kind of a dick) must really be true. A new study published in the Archives of Dermatology has revealed that while the widely used baldness drug Propecia is in fact quite effective at growing more hair, it also causes erectile dysfunction in 1 out of 80 men. Now, if that isn’t (literally) a total dick move, then we don’t know what is.

Young, balding men everywhere are now faced with their own private Sophie’s Choice: Lose your locks and keep the ability to maintain a solid hard-on in the sack, or enjoy a nice, full head of hair, but potentially lose all bedroom prowess? This is a truly sadistic set of circumstances considering the vast majority of guys covet good hair expressly because it makes them more attractive to women. So ironically, this lovely scientific revelation means that the guys who can actually score with the ladies can’t actually score with the ladies. Meanwhile, their poor balding counterparts are doomed to sit at home alone, with nowhere to put their perfectly functioning penises. WTF. Not cool, Lord. Not cool at all.

So what is a guy to do when presented with this dilemma? As it turns out, abundant locks trump penis. This same study also found that most men choose the full-head-of-hair-limp-dick option. “It seems that most men taking this drug really prefer to have hair,” study author Dr. José Manuel Mella of the Hospital Alemán in Buenos Aires told Reuters. Hey—no judgement here. We get it. Hair is important. It makes you look good and feel confident. Besides, there’s always Viagra, right? Until a hair loss solution sans unfortunate side effects to your manhood comes along, you have every right to employ some better-living-through-chemistry warfare to defend yourself from this Catch-22 double-assault on your virility. And who knows? You might be as fortunate as Bruce Willis and Jason Statham and turn out to be one of those lucky bastards who loses his hair and ends up looking like a total badass stud.