MAN CRUSH OF THE WEEK: MELKY CABRERA
When I was in middle school I got in trouble for giving my Spanish homework to another kid to copy off of. I ended up saying that he took it without asking and made him agree to the story. Somehow the teacher believed it. ¡Fiesta grande!
Unfortunately for Melky Cabrera, he got caught testing positive for performance enhancing drugs and didn’t have a gullible professora but instead had one of the major sports leagues in charge of tracking down his cover-up like they had nothing better to do (they didn’t).
While doing drugs is bad (kids!), the middle schooler in me loves Melky Cabrera more than ever. It was shocking enough when the All-Star Game MVP and battling title leader tested positive for PEDS, but the story afterwards would have made Melky the most popular student at the dance in the gymnasium.
So Melky, realizing he got caught, bought a website and created a fake product which he claimed unknowingly caused the positive test. Simply amazing. Unfortunately, baseball decided to check into it just a little, which led to a trip to the Dominican Republic to purchase the alleged drug. This is some James Bond shit. While every other steroid users were just like, “Uh yeah, didn’t do it,” Cabrera took advantage of the 21st century technology available to him and nearly got away with it (I’d like to think at least).
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone came up with ridiculous backstories to all of their crimes? I certainly think so. I love thinking of the brainstorming session that took place to come up with the ol’ fake website plot.
So Melky may have lost millions of dollars on the free agent market next year, hung out his ‘associate’ to dry, he added a fan in 13-year-old me.
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK: ROGER CLEMENS
“The only certain things in life are death, taxes, and Roger Clemens making a comeback.” – Benjamin Franklin, probably.
Remember when Roger Clemens retired? Of course you do, because he did it like six times. Well our favorite 50-year old seven-time Cy Young winner is back at it again, making a comeback with the Sugar Land Skeeters porn shop Atlantic League team on Saturday.
After seemingly being in court forever, I thought we would be done hearing about Clemens until he didn’t make the Hall of Fame next year. But it turns out he is aiming to take Brett Favre’s spot at the least likable sort of retired guy ever. I don’t think there’s anyone out there (other than Clemens and die-hard Skeeters fans) who want Clemens coming back again.
Here’s the real problem. There are tons of pitchers out there who don’t have the baggage Clemens has who are also not 50 and won’t cost much. Clemens is probably doing this either delay his Hall of Fame clock another five years or he really thinks he has a shot at the becoming the Greatest Douchebag Ever, and really, he might.
He should look to fellow steroidmates Barry Bonds or Sammy Sosa for how to handle retirement. Stay out of the public eye and change your skin color. Clemens thinks he can prove something by making a comeback, like the steroids stuff will all be forgotten if he can pull off this stunt. It’s not that I really care whether Roger Clemens did steroids or not, it’s that I don’t care about Roger Clemens at all.
And guys, I need to reiterate, he now plays for the Skeeters.
Follow Scott Bolohan on Twitter: @scottbolohan