Man Crush vs. Douchebag: Baltimore Orioles vs. Cristiano Ronaldo



You know how in every movie a super terrible team ends up shocking the world and gets good? That’s the 2012 Baltimore Orioles. And it’s awesome.

I mean, first and foremost, they suck. Their number three hitter is Nate McLouth, who hit .140 and was cut from the Prates halfway through the year, which is like hitting .140 and getting cut from the Pirates. And he still is posting numbers worse than the average major leaguer. And the team also gainfully employs Lew Ford, who has been one of my favorite players/out of the majors since 2007 (and was the inspiration for my friend Jimbo’s fantasy team, “Lew Ford Focus”).

Other than Adam Jones and Nick Markakis, they have no good players. Seriously. Their pitchers are all completely ridiculously doing awesome. Josh Hammel? Zach Britton? Daniel Cabrera (probably)? I mean, their third baseman is their best pitcher. They’re like the Worse News Bears.

Which makes them so awesome.

Every game it seems like strikeout king Mark Reynolds hits a bomb. And some random dude you thought might not actually be alive anymore does something for the team. It’s a modern marvel that shows even if you have an absolutely terrible owner, players who wouldn’t be in the majors for most other teams, and play in the division with the biggest spenders in sports you can still be sort of relevant in September.

And they do. This week they claimed a share of first place in the AL East for the first time since 1997, a team featuring not only Brady Anderson and B.J. Surhoff, but also Eric Davis, Harold Baines, and Pete Incaviglia (!). If you wanted to pick the most ‘90s team of all time, you would probably pick that team. And if you wanted to pick the team you will probably vomit the most at after seeing their roster in 10 years, it would be the current O’s. And I couldn’t be happier, even as a Yankees ticket plan holder.

Baltimore has an awesome ballpark and is one of the best places to buy drugs and/or get murdered in the world. And now hopefully they have one of the best, sort of inspiring stories in recent sports history.


My extent of European football knowledge isn’t all that extensive. I’m pretty sure they aren’t allowed to use their hands and they also have to have sex with each other’s girlfriends. Other than that, not so much.

I do know Cristiano Ronaldo however. And right now, Cris is not doing so well. In fact, he’s sad. When he scored two goals last Sunday he couldn’t bring himself to celebrate because of his sadness with his position with the club, saying (in my favorite quote of 2012) “I’m sad – when I don’t celebrate goals, it’ because I’m not happy.”  That would be like hitting a home run and walking around the bases with your head down listening to Drake.

What’s he sad about? Well, he wasn’t named player of the year (or as this article says, he was ‘pipped’). Or that the $15 million he makes a year isn’t enough. But according to him, that’s not true (although according to everyone else it probably is).

Everyone gets sad for prolonged stretches a day if they’re like me. So I understand where Ronaldo is coming from. But you know what would make me super happy? Playing professional sports for a lot of money and not even needing to use my arms. That would be happy.

But it’s not enough for Ronaldo. Whatever he’s trying to do, he’s doing it douchily.


Follow Scott Bolohan on Twitter: @scottbolohan

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