Have you ever wondered what those Mail Order Bride tours are like? You know the ones; where groups of wealthy, older American men travel to such places as Russia, China, or South America, in hopes of finding a young bride to take back to the land of Tom Cruise, Coca Cola, and topless donut shops.

So why do men go on these romance tours? Is it to find their future mate – who can’t speak English? Are they after meaningful friendships? Do they just want to get laid and party?

The answer would be all of the above: Men attend these trips for every reason under the holy Jesus sun.

The official industry term for these mail order bride excursions is “Romance Tours.” Read with me:

While all AmoLatina’s Tours are the height of exotic, and all the hotels are luxury, you’ll be forgiven for thinking of us as just another vacation. Truth is that AmoLatina takes you to exactly where you want to be… surrounded by the most amazing women in Latin America!

I was invited to tag along on AmoLatino’s mail order bride to Medellin Colombia. Toted as one of the 10 most dangerous cities in the world, Medellin is one of those locales that breeds extremely beautiful women. (It must be something in the empanadas.)

Think of a mail order bride tour to Colombia like fantasy batting camp for middle-aged men. Though instead of getting the chance to play big league baseball, these bride-seekers get an opportunity to be surrounded by hundreds of exotic young women who show interest in them – for 6 days at least.

Women from all over Medellin and surrounding areas arrived to try and meet their very own Uncle Sam at one of the social mixers set up by AmoLatino.

A ratio of 26-1 left many women unattended and plain bored.

This particular evening’s event was combined with a beauty pageant; held in a castle that was owned by the textile king of Medellin – who has the notoriety of being the first man in Colombia who was held for ransom.

Unlike bars in the US, where if you approach a group of women you’re most likely be shut down, this was a surreal parallel universe where young Latino maidens quest the loins of older men from faraway lands.

Except one problem: very few people trying to converse in the room could actually speak the same language. Thus the need for young, attractive translators to tag along as a third wheel. Not only do the translators act as wing-women, but they also translate such conversation as:

“Do you have children?”
“Are you married?
Or
“You have lovely teeth.”

Expect up to a one minute lag time between responses.

“Be the man and take control of the situation!” That’s what the gentlemen were coached in their pep talk on day one by the organizer of the tour. “A guy has to be in control of the situation!”

What that means is, never let the lady choose the restaurant when going on a date– that’s where problems arise. She might choose the most expensive eatery in town. Suddenly you’ll find her posse growing to include her extended family and neighbors – all drinking Dom Perignon on your pesos.

That’s what happened to a guy on the tour named Brody from Michigan. His teenaged date choose the restaurant and brought along her mom, sister, nephew, and a neighbor. Plus Brody also had to flip the bill for a translator because the teenager couldn’t speak English. Maybe its custom in Colombia to bring ones extended family along with on a first date. Or maybe: “The gringos in town – let’s eat everyone!”

Above is what the bill looked like from his the meal.

One criticism of the mail order bride industry is that the women aren’t real. A naysayer might think when you sign up for a mail order bride website, the photos of the women are fake and you’re actually corresponding with a man who has a hairy back named Boris. Ha silly naysayer! The AmoLatina’s tour proved – SOLID FACT – that the women are real.

Look at the photo. She’s real. And the one on the right – she’s real as well. The only thing not real is what they call the “plastico” – Colombia is the cosmetic surgery capital of the world.

The main event of the 6-day mail order bride tour was a beauty pageant featuring women who signed up on the AmoLatino site. Again, the reasoning was to prove that, “yes,” these beautiful women are real – and not actually dudes. Also And not only are they real, but they will put on their smallest bikinis and parade around in front of their future potential husbands , who – despite a strong language barrier – they have yet to meet.

The beauty contest was judged by a very astute panel of experts: guys who signed up for the mail order bride tour who hailed from such exotic locales as Clearwater Florida, Waterloo Iowa, and Sacramento California.

The lesson learned: When one seeks a wife, it is best to see her first in a bikini and high heels and have her judged.

The winner of the beauty pageant was awarded with a brand spanking new motorbike. Somehow it didn’t seem fitting; you’d almost expect the winner of a mail order bride beauty contest to be married right there on stage to strains of the Star Spangled Banner while American dollar bills rains from the ceiling – and Ed McMahon coming back from the dead to award her one of those really large checks.

That scenario didn’t happen. But she did get a very nice motorbike.