Love triangles can be tricky to navigate whether they are isoceles, equilateral or scalene, the hottest of all love triangles. Luckily, science and technology have put off discovering new advances for flesh eating diseases and curing world hunger to help you worm your wormy self around the sticky (emotionally and physically) sordid mess of three way relationships (not that kind, sicko, but a man can dream).
Here are five essential purchases for conquering a love triangle.
1. A Spare Cellphone
One of the easiest ways to slip up in a love triangle is to dial the wrong number, answer with the wrong name or (worst of all) send a hot and steamy “sext” with the other person’s name to the wrong number. Things can also get a bit heated when they find a strange name in your phone and giving them direct access to the other woman without having to sleep in their car and stalk them for days on end.
So if you’re going to juggle an extra honey, make sure you’re not using the same phone to talk to them unless you want to explain why you called them by the wrong name and now want them to always wear name tags, which won’t be included on this list for the aforementioned reason (du’h).
You can buy a cellphone just about anywhere these days. They’re practically disposable. There are literally no boundaries in place to keep you from keeping in touch with the third party by way of their very own dedicated phone number.
Buy It: $19.99 at www.tracfone.com
2. A Datebook or Day Planner
It’s also easy to confuse where you’re supposed to meet and who you are supposed to meet with and relying on a digital calendar like on your cell phone or computer can muddle up your memory worse than a weekend coke binge. If you’ve made a date or have an important get together with two or more of your girlfriends/flings/spouses (for those of you living in Utah), it’s better to write it down on a portable paper calendar because you’re more likely to remember it as opposed to typing it out with your thumbs. If you don’t use a paper calendar, you’re sure to remember not to forget the next date with one or more of your sweeties when she tries to pop out your eyeball with her texting thumb.
Buy It: $8.95 at BarnesandNoble.com
3. A Digital Frame
There is no way to explain how someone else’s picture ended up in your desk frame including the old “that’s the picture that came with the frame” because picture frames don’t come with the model’s phone number written on the other side. Digital frames are a God-send for the promiscuous philanderer since they allow you to quickly change the photo of anyone of your sweeties with the click of a button in case she stops by for a quick visit to the office or a quickie at your flat.
Buy It: $29.99 at Bestbuy.com
4. A Paper Shredder
Paper trail is a perfect way to get caught, even more so than a cell phone, because even the smallest lunch receipt that one of your other ladies doesn’t remember having can easily be traced to the other woman. If you’re the kind of high priced prince who has enough scratch to afford a second chick, then chances are you already have a weekly paper shredding party to take of your loose receipts, legal documents and pending cival trial evidence anyway. Making sure that you get rid of those incriminating slips of paper for everything from meals to special gifts can cover the tracks you didn’t know you were leaving in the first place. Also, it’s just damn fun to shred paper for some reason. It’s the high tech version of bubble wrap.
Buy It: $79.99 at Staples.com
5. Lots of Febreze
If one or more of your ladyfriends suspect you of being up to no good, they can transform into unholy love bloodhounds ready to sniff an enemy out of their hidey hole at the first available opportunity. That’s more than just a metaphor. It’s a scientific fact that women have more heightened smell sensors than men and can tell with a single sniffle just how, where and when you’ve been having sex without them.
So a little spritzer of air and fabric freshner can go a long way. It will not only cover your pheromone trail from the other woman but it will also make your date think you are cleaner and neater than you actually are, giving her an excuse to mess up your bedroom all over again. God bless science.
Buy It: $6.49 at Walgreens.com
This content was sponsored and inspired by Bad Teacher, in theaters this Friday.