A few days ago, we shared a few reasons why, under no circumstances, should one friend help another friend move. But what happens if you’re already living with a “friend” who you’ve suddenly come to realize that you hate fiercely? You stick it out, that’s what. Times are tough, this is no time to be striking out on your own.
Here are six reasons why you should consider keeping your roommate…
1. They Find Your Body
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you slipped in the shower and only broke enough of your neck to paralyze you? I worry about that often, it can’t just be me. Having a roommate brings me peace of mind. I have a morbid fantasy of her using the bathroom and finding me drooped backwards over the lip of the tub while I’m staring up at her with a trickle of blood between my unblinking eyes. You need a roommate for that once in a lifetime prank. You may end up a vegetable, but did you see the look on her face? Totally worth it.
2. You Eat Their Food
There are times when you don’t have enough food to feed yourself. But guess who does? Your roommate has food stamps and gets free food. Eat it, it’s FREE. Don’t worry about making her mad. Here’s what you have to remember. She’s not the police. She can only yell at you and tell you you’re “wrong.” All you have to do is say you’re sorry and it will never happen again. Then bring up something similar you did for her, like when you let her try your hair gel. Remind her that hair gel isn’t FREE.
3. They Are Your Scapegoat
Every time you’re short on rent, you can tell your landlord that you’re waiting for your roommate to come up with her part. Then you give the landlord your roommate’s half of the rent and tell them that’s from you. After a few months the landlord will hate your roommate, but your relationship with him will still be solid. Don’t let your landlord get too upset though. You need your trusty roommate to be your cover. If the landlord suggests you get a new roommate, invent a roommate sob story while simultaneously preying on his innate racism. Tell him that your roommate will pull through these tough times as soon as we get rid of this black president. The landlord will think you have a Republican bleeding heart while you just bought yourself a few more months to get your life together.
4. They Let You In When You’re Locked Out
I always tell my roommate to close and lock her window because if she doesn’t then someone can break in. The other day I forgot my keys so I came in through her window. It scared the crap out of her. I told her so.
5. You Sleep With Them
If you don’t have time for dating, bang your roommate. He isn’t doing anything or anyone on Thursday night, and neither are you. As roommates you’ve shared movies, food and rent so you may as well share each other. The best part is that the walk of shame is just five steps between his room and yours.
6. You Can’t Live With Your Mom
There’s a certain point in your life when you can’t move back in with your mom. You can’t. No matter how much she says it will be ok, if you do, you will die. She will be involved in every aspect of your life… “Calise did you leave this here?…Calise what time did you come home last night…Calise you’re not having sex are you…Calise tell me you’re not having sex…Calise if you end up pregnant again I’m not going to take care of the baby…Calise you need to drink more water.”
Nobody deserves to live a life of being nagged about where you leave things, pregnancy and proper hydration. But, you can’t afford to live on your own. So don’t get rid of your roommate. Living with a complete stranger will give you a fresh start at having someone disappointed in you.
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