Josh Hamilton vs. Josh Beckett


Josh Hamilton has had a rough life. Mostly because he did more drugs than the ‘80s, he has a history of taking off his shirt, and kinda killed a guy.

But he’s like, really, really good at baseball. It’s hard to remember that he missed years due to his drug addiction. He’s the best Disney story of all time, if only they could replace his heroin use with him turning into a monster with a heart of gold.

Which makes it all the most incredible that Josh Hamilton is still super good. Like the best alive good. And if he hadn’t wasted all those years on drugs, who knows what he’d be doing, he’d probably be winning games in relief and actually getting hits too.

On Tuesday he hit four home runs in a game, something only done 16 times in history, making it even rarer than a perfect game which I was all excited about. The Rangers look like the best team in baseball again, which would be great for both them and Hamilton if they didn’t cut off contract negotiations with him after he relapsed at a bar, hoping to drive his price down. So all he’s done instead is go out and get all Triple Crowny on the league, on pace for one of the best seasons ever.

While Hamilton’s story is great, my favorite part is he totally is getting back at the Rangers for pulling a huge douche move on him by saying they were worried about his drug problems as a bargaining chip when it hasn’t shown any affect on his ability to be amazing.

The moral of the story, kids, is do drugs, just be really good at hitting baseballs and everything will work out! Or not.


As one of the leading experts on identifying douchebags, I can tell you goatees are a dead giveaway. So Josh Beckett really had this coming to him for a while.

Remember how I was just talking about how awesome the Rangers were this year and stuff? The opposite are the Red Sox. As of Thursday, they were six games under .500 and 7.5 games behind the Rays. They are worse than both the Orioles and the Blue Jays, two teams who are in the AL East only because the Harlem Globetrotters have to play somebody.

It’s early, but considering the mess they’ve been through, from their manager saying Kevin Youkilis wasn’t trying, their horrible free agent signing being even more of a horrible free agent signing, their best player getting hurt, their closer getting hurt, getting destroyed on the one hundredth anniversary of Fenway, to now Josh Beckett, recovering from an injury, suffering another injury while golfing, forcing him to miss another start. Oh, and this is the same Beckett who was drinking in the clubhouse and eating chicken wings and the team historically missed the playoffs last year.

I’m not saying a simple facial hair trim would solve all of his problems. But there’s no way it would make them worse. Also, not doing really stupid things would help, but it seems there’s not a great track record of him being able to overcome that.

But it leads me to my final point. Golf sucks. Here’s further proof.


Follow Scott Bolohan on Twitter: @scottbolohan

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