What She Said: Jenny and Her Husband Get a Whore
So my husband and I got a whore. I’m hoping, unless you’re some sick depraved dissolute of a person, this isn’t the kind of thing you hear everyday. If it is, fuck you, I thought it was pretty gangster. So, ok, where do I begin? I wanted to do something special for his birthday, isn’t that how all these stories start? We were married for just over a year, and in Gemini years, that’s like twelve.
The adventure started when I called up my asshole friend, Chelsea and asked if she knew any “massage therapists”. Chelsea insisted that this chick would come over and with the proper amount of alcohol, do whatever we wanted.
That night, I made the arrangements. I set the mood, turned on some Enigma, and poured champagne. My husband, however, paced around the house like a lunatic, wondering if he was going to get arrested for having a hooker visit our home. The girl arrived at the proper whoring hour of 9pm. I answered the door in a see-through bra and undies. I led her upstairs to my bedroom where she set up her massage table. About thirty minutes in, I started to realize something was wrong. This girl wasn’t a prostitute!! This girl was a legit massage therapist! Fucking Chelsea set me up. The entire hour she wouldn’t shut up about my rotator cuff and various bulging discs. As the night progressed, I did manage to get her drunk. Only to trap myself with her! She couldn’t drive home and wouldn’t shut the fuck up about her pilot she thought we would be perfect for and how, “Can you believe, so many people assume just because I’m a masseuse, I’m down for sex?” YES! I am one of those people! After hours of nonsense, she left. Jason was ready to strangle me. I called Chelsea, who proceeded to laugh her ass off for twenty minutes straight.
The next day, I was on a mission. As fate would have it, we were already scheduled to fly to Vegas that weekend for our friend’s surprise birthday party. While my husband waited on our luggage, my iPhone and I camped out next to a couple grungy kids whose mother was several yards away feeding their lunch money to the Triple Ace of Fortune slot monster. They asked if I was interested in kidnapping them. I smiled, sympathized, thought about my own overexposed childhood, flashed them a pair of tits on cityvibe.com, and said, “Sorry, it isn’t that kind of trip.” They nodded and wished me luck.
As we scurried out of possibly the saddest airport on Earth, I honed in on a photo of a thin brunette with elbows for boobs and made the call. “Hello?” A cutesy voice chimed in instantly.
“Hi, um, Ava?”, I stuttered. Come on Jenny, pull your shit together, you are a bad ass renegade on the run.
“Yeah, well, my husband and I are in town tonight and we were wondering if you (we?) could get together”, I coughed out.
“Sure, what time were you guys thinking?“ she said plainly. Dude, this girl is a hooker right? I mean, she realizes that I am talking about sex acts? Her tone made me feel like I was hiring a fucking babysitter!
“Why are you not weirded out by what a freak I am?“ I thought silently.
“How about, four?” I said. I am a total loser!
Who calls a whore when it is still light out? Better question, who wants a whore coming to their room when they are stone sober and on their way to a family birthday party? I’ll tell you who bitches, me the renegade, that’s who!
“Sounds good. Why don’t you call me when you get to your hotel, give me the room number and I’ll be there.”
“Done”, I cooed and hung up.
We checked into the Four Seasons under the name Drew Peacock. About 50 people were in town specifically for this surprise party and nobody was to know we were there. As instructed, I texted the birthday boy’s wife, Jacklyn, to notify her we were in the building. In an attempt to preserve the surprise, Jacklyn instructed everyone to make sure their texts were cryptic enough to keep her husband from catching on. As I started to write, “The rooster is in the hen house” my husband tore the phone from my hands.
“Are you fucking nuts?” he barked. “The rooster is in the hen house? You might as well write, ‘we are in the lobby of the four seasons for Stefan’s surprise birthday party’”!
We finally decided on “Anderson Cooper is not gay.” She got the point and immediately wrote that they were in room 3512 and on their way to the pool.
“Even these people know I’m gay, and they literally live in a tree.”
“Shit!” I screamed, pulling my husband into a fire escape. “We are in 3511!”
Not only was this logistically problematic for the surprise, it also further complicated our afternoon rendezvous. What are we going to say when a pair of tits on sticks saunters down the hall and starts knocking on our door? What if they hear the door and mistake it for their own? What if Tits McTitson accidentally gets the room number wrong? Would she then say, “Hi I’m looking for Jenny and Jason?” I guess at that point we would have to jump out of our room in bathrobes and scream surprise, feign innocence, and laugh like it was all a big joke! Fuck, this was not good!
I texted back, telling Jacklyn to remain in a holding pattern until we could run down the hall and disappear into our room. Through the peephole, I watched Stefan, Jacquelyn and their two little girls exit and head to the pool. Behind her back, Jacquelyn threw us what looked like some kind of gang sign I knew must be code for, “all systems a go.” So far everything seemed to be falling into place.
After a long and thorough hot shower, I started flat ironing my hair and shooting mini bar bottles of grey goose. Dancing in front of the mirror in a see through bra and panties, I primped like I was going to the prom.
“Do whores prefer eyeliner or just mascara with a pinch of shadow?” I pondered.
Before I could answer the question, there was a knock on the door. My husband opened it to reveal a no more than three foot tall Filipino chomping gum and twirling her hair.
“Eva?” he exclaimed. “Hi, guys.” she purred as she walked over to a chair and sat down.
I was a bit taken aback. This girl looked nothing like her photos online. In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels. I wasn’t sure how this was going to work out.
“Why is everybody so giggly?” she went on.
I really only had one way of answering this which was, “Well, because you are a hooker and you are in our hotel room.”
“Oh, and you didn’t mention that you were a gartenswerk in your profile.” I decided against saying anything. Further laughter ensued until finally my husband said, “So, should we talk business?”
I took this to mean that he was willing to look past the munchkin factor and proceed as planned. Eva asked for three hundred dollars just to talk shop. She explained that it would just cover her bills and her “door fee.” Bullshit the kind of party we were going to have was up to us. In other words, hinged on how much more cash we were willing to fork over.
“Why is Bilbo Baggins being such a sheisty little bastard?” I thought.
Frustrated, my husband handed over the money and bluntly said, “OK. What can you do for three hundred more?”
Eva, laughed and asked us to hold as she called her fucking nail lady and told her she was going to have to push her appointment back an hour. We just sat there as she described what was going on with her acrylic and how she needed her fill a week sooner than usual. Once she hung up, my husband notified me that he was going to have to run down to the ATM for more cash.
“What about Stefan?” I said. He told me to text Jacklyn and make sure they were still at the pool. He was going to take the fire exit down to the lobby (no elevators) and wear a baseball cap.
Because when does that not work?
“I will be right back,” he promised. Being the consummate gentleman, he asked both Eva and myself if there was anything he could get us.
“I’m good.” I said.
“Oh, and I’m actually Karen by the way,” Eva proclaimed.
Once we were alone, I was even more uncomfortable. Eva sat in her chair laughing and text messaging friends. I offered her a drink. She immediately declined. I hadn’t thought of it before but I got the impression it was in the hooker handbook not to accept drinks on the job. It made sense. One roofie and I could have easily scored my whole three hundred bucks back. She finished her calls and we sat in silence for a few seconds before she started telling me about her mother. She said her father left when she was very young (shocker) and her mother raised her all alone. For a minute I dazed off and started thinking I was in some Oliver Stone retelling of Rumplestiltskind.
My husband burst back into the room just before she asked me to start spinning the bed sheets into gold. He was out of breath and Eva talked over him.
“Ok, so, I will go down on him, and you can sit on his face, ok?” she declared.
I was jarred by how fast she got down to business when the money was near. She was like a shark circling its prey.
“Um…ok.” I gulped.
As she started to pull her rip-away outfit off, my husband stopped her.
“You guys, stop, this isn’t going to happen!” he stated. “I went down to the ATM and I couldn’t get anymore money out!” he said frankly. The shark looked angry.
“Do you accept cashier’s checks, I offered?
“No.”, said Eva, putting her top back on.
It was now five o’clock. An entire hour past and we accomplished nothing. Eva got back on her cell and made another call.
“Yeah, they can’t get anymore money. Just pull around front. I’m coming down,” she said, to who I assume was her pimp on the other end of the line. I was so embarrassed! What kind of losers are we? As we bid Eva farewell, I apologized profusely, thanked her for her time, and promised we would get in touch later after we figured out the cash situation. Once the door was locked and the evil widget was gone, I couldn’t help but let out a huge cry of frustration.
“Babe!” I shouted. “You totally embarrassed me in front of the whore. She totally thinks we can’t afford her,” I cried. My Husband, bless his soul, resisted suffocating me with a pillow on the spot.
It was time to go to the party and I was properly hung over. I was also disappointed that my exciting turn to the dark side had only helped to further illuminate what a dork I was. We snuck out of the hotel with swine flu masks over our faces and big Tommy Bahama hats covering our hair. Once in the cab, I started in again.
“What if, you just go hit on some girl at a craps table and I hide over at a slot machine. Tell her you want to have a good time but you are married and just see what happens.” I offered.
I figured there had to be some sleaze ball girl running around that would be up for the adventure. But alas, my ego was still bruised from Herve Villachaise. I wasn’t ready to put myself out there again. I wanted something that was a sure thing. We arrived at the Palms Hotel and were escorted to the Hefner suite for the festivities. I was able to convince my husband to stay another night by promising we could spend the next day lounging by the pool and sipping mai tais. My ulterior motive of course being, “operation: finish what I started.” I told him that in exchange we were calling his host friend who works in the casinos and having him send us the most professional call girl he knows. He obliged and within thirty minutes our phone was bombed with photos of the “merchandise.” Aside from feeling like a dirty old man, I felt accomplished. “Finally, a professional” I declared. My husband stared at me like I was a small Larry Flynt. We texted Keisha, (hooker # 2) that we would love to meet up sometime tomorrow.
The next day was gorgeous, hot and amazing. We hung poolside with Jacklyn, Stefan and their two daughters until around noon. At 1:00, I feigned exhaustion and we scurried off to the ATM and up to the room. This time around, I dressed a bit more casual; in other words, no eyeliner. At two o’clock on the nose we could hear Hazel screaming down the hall and Flora trailing seconds behind. For a brief moment I panicked.
“Babe, get those two into their room! The whore is going to be here any minute.”, I whispered.
I pressed my face firmly against the peephole to see if I could collect any more data. Then, my entire frame went dark. Knock, knock, knock. Without thinking, I flung open the door and reached out to grab the little culprits. Instead of baby bikinis, however, I got a face full of silicone shoved up my nostrils. Horrified, I jumped back.
“Hi, I’m Keisha,” she laughed. It took me a second to process what was going on. Did Hazel and Flora morph into a giant whore on their walk down the hall? Did this deranged hooker chick eat our friends’ children? What the fuck was going on? And where were the kids? Seeing the shock on my face, my husband stepped in.
“Welcome!” he said as if we were on Fantasy Island.
“Where did the girls go?” I finally got out.
“Oh, they are so cute!” Keisha exclaimed. “They are looking out the window in the hall with their nanny. I rode the elevator up with them,” she continued.
“You didn’t tell them…” I started and then revised my question. “I mean, they didn’t see you come in here did they?” I said.
“No! I am really discreet! Even if they had, people never think I’m a working girl. I usually just get away with saying I’m somebody’s cousin,” she explained. “Somebody’s cousin who sucks dick for a living.” I thought to myself. The chick was wearing five-inch heels and had tits that seriously could have knocked anybody under six feet tall unconscious. There was no way she was passing for anything other than maybe Barbarella. In other words, she was hot. I took my cues from the previous day’s disaster and cut to the chase.
“We want you to go down on him for six hundred bucks,” I proclaimed. Keisha, being the professional that she was, didn’t bat an eye.
“Great,” she said plainly. In that instant I realized, I love this whore. First, she informed us that she wasn’t into girls and that if I wanted any action it would only be coming from my husband. I was fine with this at the time, but in retrospect, what the fuck? For six hundred bucks, I’ll be telling you what you’re into! She walked us through all the potential upsets: Wife gets hurt and wants to stop, husband can’t get erect; wife and husband can’t focus because they are too aware of the other’s emotions etc. I felt like I was in driver’s ed. and I loved it! This is exactly the type of information I wanted to be armed with. My husband, however, didn’t have the same reaction. With sweaty palms, clearly a bi -product of all the newly discovered potential for failure, he undressed and sat on the bed. Keisha instructed me to do the same.
The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work. This was awesome for me. I didn’t have to do anything. For a split second I got worried. “Why am I the wife who isn’t freaking out?” “Do I not love him?” “Oh my god! I am a monster!”
Luckily, her long sparkly nails distracted me from my future couple’s therapy sessions and I was back in the game.
“Do you want to go down on him a bit?” Keisha suggested. In my mind I was thinking, “No, dude, that’s why I paid you the six hundred dollars, to do the work for me! I’m going to be over here eating chips.” Of course, there was no way my husband was going to let me get away with that so I obliged.
The most exciting part of the day was Keisha complimenting me on my blowjob skills. I love approval of any kind. Sadly, however, I think it was pretty obvious that my husband and I were both bored. He quickly became flaccid and we were left with nothing to do but stare at each other.
“I kind of feel like you are a giant baby and we are putting a diaper on you,” I blurted out.
“Umm, that’s not what I wanted to hear, Jen.” my husband laughed.
We spent the next half hour lying in bed with Keisha and listening to her crazy stories. She told us about the guy who makes her and her girlfriend come over, call a male prostitute, then order said guy to suck the male prostitute’s dick. “But he’s totally not gay, you guys!” Then there was the innocent looking couple from Washington State that wanted her to go home and take a laxative so she could come back later and shit on the husband while the wife took photos.
The thing that struck me the most significant was how casual and seemingly well-adjusted Keisha seemed. She was articulate, gregarious, and were it not for the torpedo boobs, the type of girl you COULD see being your cousin. As our time came to a close, Keisha apologized that she hadn’t done more for the money. She told us to call her if we wanted to try again later that evening. She lightened the mood by saying, “Look, see? Your husband must really love you. He couldn’t even stay excited by the idea of another woman.” I told her I appreciated the gesture and walked her to the door.
On the plane ride home I texted Keisha and thanked her for her work. What ever it was she had done, worked. I was instantly more aroused by my husband. He seemed so mysterious to me. Even though the actual act was relatively boring and a financial bust, the reliving of it grew hotter and hotter in my mind. “What a sweet whore,” I said to my husband, staring down at the flickering lights of good ole Sin City. He laughed and grabbed my leg. Something was rekindled between us. Or perhaps something blossomed that was never there before. I don’t know which it was, but I felt closer.
I kissed him, bashed my forehead against his, and asked “Do you think she’s on Facebook?”
Jenny Mollen Biggs is an actress and writer living in Los Angeles with two poodle angel muffins and an asshole miniature pinscher. She also has a husband. Keep up with her at IMDB or on Twitter @jennyandteets.
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10:25 am on September 30th, 2011
That’s fucking funny
well done you.
4:56 pm on September 30th, 2011
what the hell, why do you guys consistently offer a cash sum without asking how much things cost and end up paying double the going rate for things? For example:
‘“We want you to go down on him for six hundred bucks,” I proclaimed. Keisha, being the professional that she was, didn’t bat an eye.’
who the hell does that? next time ask, “how much for a blowjob?” Of course she didn’t bat an eye, you just offered like 2 times the going rate of full sex for a blowjob.
Entertaining story though.
5:52 pm on September 30th, 2011
yikes, way too much money for that. although it being your first time makes it forgivable, I was totally nervous and freaking out about “setups” and being caught my first time. do some research online if you try it again, all sorts of code words and resources to find full service for $$-$$$. there are multiple discussion forums dedicated to major cities that show you to the right place to go. I’ve had best experiences at massage parlors, asian or whatever. I don’t like them coming to my place anymore – if you go to a parlor you can ask to choose who’s service you’ll use. I’ve had good experiences with a parlor to the point where I got to know one of them, i’d let her come to my place so I didn’t have to pay the door fee at the parlor. good stuff
6:04 pm on September 30th, 2011
It’s a good story. What makes it so excellent is how honest Jenny Molen is with herself and us.
9:53 pm on September 30th, 2011
clearly not familiar with the ‘what happens in vegas’ rule
10:00 pm on September 30th, 2011
WOW What a sick couple.
8:51 am on October 1st, 2011
I think she is adorable .
9:11 am on October 1st, 2011
OH LORD. What is that I just read? I have NO idea what is wrong with this chick. They have been married a yr but need some spicing up? HMM girl is a bit of a wack a doo.
11:24 am on October 1st, 2011
You probably wouldn’t have been so amazed at her being an actual person if you hadn’t spent all your time referring to her as “whore.”
12:58 pm on October 1st, 2011
wow. you really hate women!
1:24 pm on October 1st, 2011
I give the marriage, oh, 6 months.
1:29 pm on October 1st, 2011
Jenny, seems your sex life with your closeted gay husband is boring, send me a message.
3:07 pm on October 1st, 2011
This girl has some serious issues. She earnestly vies for the approval of her husband (and us) by doing what any suburban middle schooler who’s mom drives a mini van thinks is “gangster”, buying a sex worker.
Jenny: Did it ever cross your pretty little mind that a large percentage of prostitutes are trafficked, held against their will, or underage? What fairy tale ends with getting to suck your husband’s dick?
The blatant insecurity is almost painful to read. Jenny had two decent encounters with women who were more than cordial. Yet she can’t help but berate them in every sentence. Calling them whores and loling over perceived daddy issues (pot, meet kettle).
No Jenny, you’re not cool. You’re not funny. You’re a vapid wannabe actress who needs a lot of therapy.
3:45 pm on October 1st, 2011
Thank you to both Anne and E – I couldn’t have said it better myself. I have no issues with the idea of threesomes but dear Jenny, you obviously have serious issues. Whether this piece of work is fiction or not…it is sad. Throwing the word whore around and forgetting these are humans with feelings is nothing short of pathetic on your part. I doubt you know what true sexual intimacy is and I am sure everything you know about sex came from watching porn.
4:50 pm on October 1st, 2011
Jenny seems desperate to hold on to whatever is left of her marriage and belittling woman by calling them “whores” is her way of telling herself that she is “better than them”.I think less of Jason Biggs after reading this, and I am not a betting woman but I can say that if I were I would put my money on their marriage lasting less than a year. There’s going to be a time where they are going to fight/argue…maybe Jason will get annoyed with Jenny, or Jenny will call a nice woman a whore and that will set Jason off…and then this encounter will sure enough come in to conversation. Fingers will point, Jenny will say “well YOU LET her suck you off!” and Jason will yell back “But YOU set it up”…blah blah blah. Having a threesome is a surefire way to really wreck your marriage, and for some who disagree, it’s because it rarely ever happens right away. It’s all fun and games in the beggining but it loses is appeal and then it get’s worse. Jenny, some things are better left kept in the bedroom.
5:19 pm on October 1st, 2011
Jesus people,
You never heard of irony….
She is suppose to write funny self depreciation stories here.
Jenny,i think you where an angel to the ”whore” or your highness prostitute (like the people here like to call her) and that you one of the coolest chicks around for writing such a funny colum.
As for the a threesome being the surest way to wreck a marriage,isnt every marriage unique. And can’t people just play around and have a good laught without it having to do with some desperate reason like insecurities in a marriage.
Comedy requires courage and selfdepreciation,especially for it to be hilarious. So thanks Jenny and please do not let the sourpusses here spoil the joke.
6:09 pm on October 1st, 2011
Fuck whores!
Jenny just got some free insight from the sex therapist. That $600 did go a long way.
6:50 pm on October 1st, 2011
What a terrible writer she is. Really, badly, terribly badly, written. Interesting that ridiculous ‘stories’ like this only have a ‘like’ button and not one that reads ‘pathetic’…
8:42 pm on October 1st, 2011
I think it is sad how cool you seem to think you and your husband are for engaging in this while showing little respect at all for the women you hired. Wow, that “whore” seemed almost like a “regular person” to you!! Give yourself a big pat on the back for noticing. Lame story.
9:56 pm on October 1st, 2011
She’s total trash. This article is bonafide stupidity. Can I have my 3 minutes back please? Why is Jason with this guy? She’s about as clever as a mouse..and she seems to want attention desperately, but she just sounds…well. desperate.
Jason, find someone with a brain and who is decent looking.. This ugly chick is obviously a brain dead attention wh/re.
9:58 pm on October 1st, 2011
I meant “why is Jason with this girl”, not “guy”.. Regardless, she sounds like a classless piece of trash. Complete and utter garbage. She’s ugly, stupid and an attention hog. I give this marriage another year or two..tops..
10:09 pm on October 1st, 2011
“She was articulate, gregarious, and were it not for the torpedo boobs, the type of girl you COULD see being your cousin.”
This sentence pretty much sums it up for me. You’re fucking stupid. I can’t even…just go die in a fire.
10:14 pm on October 1st, 2011
@abadon, it’s not self deprecation if it’s poorly written.
I’m just kidding, it’s not self deprecation because she’s trashing someone else.
10:40 pm on October 1st, 2011
I get it! So you’re not the kind of couple who have interesting things to talk or write about so you TRY to do things you think others will find gangstery(???) and cool but it all ends up an awkward mess because that’s what you guys really are. If this article were amusing in any way I might not have commented but dear God, this is pathetic! The only thing funny about this article is that someone thought it was good enough to post.
1:58 am on October 2nd, 2011
Dear “ABANDON”….I would at least use spell check before you submit your thoughts, because you clearly aren’t coming across as an educated person!! First off, as you say…”Colum” is actually spelled “column”, you mispelled “laugh”,
self deprecation is TWO WORDS,
2:10 am on October 2nd, 2011
This woman is completely weird. She actually posted some photo of Biggs naked (and a strange one at that) on Facebook at some point. Google it.
3:11 am on October 2nd, 2011
Writing is clearly not your thing
5:30 am on October 2nd, 2011
Is repeatedly using the word “whore” the only way you can get page views?
You have a story that’s ripe for comedy if you went into more detail. THAT’S where the laughs would have been in this piece. When the masseuse arrived you answered the door nearly nude. What was her reaction? How did you bring up the idea of sex? Who the Hell was this pilot? That’s just the first few paragraphs. Instead it seems like you want to sound cool by using your writing
These stories are probably funnier when you tell them to your friends – use that voice.
This article is in need of an editor.
6:15 am on October 2nd, 2011
Sad.
9:05 am on October 2nd, 2011
Yikes. Why on earth would a woman who clearly has a problem with sex workers want to hire one? To show her husband how much better she is than them? Something tells me the prostitute wasn’t the one making him ‘bored.’
And why bring your friend’s kids into it? Egads, woman. Edit yourself! And maybe add in just one or two hints that you and your husband have any interest in one another, sexually, and it’ll all come across as believable and not something you want optioned for a script.
9:10 am on October 2nd, 2011
This is so sad and badly-written. I long for the days when Playboy had real stories. Not to mention the psychological strangeness of this woman’s repeated need to distinguish herself from any “whore” by saying it so many god damn times. I don’t know who this couple is, but I’ll be sure to avoid them in the future.
11:17 am on October 2nd, 2011
“Bullshit the kind of party we were going to have was up to us.” Money means you can treat subhumans however you want!
Also, here are some extra pieces of punctuation, since, by your writing, it’s clear you ran out. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,……;;;;;::::::;;;””” There is a trick writers use where they read over what they have written after they are done writing it and check to make sure that it is free of errors, understandable, and worth reading. You might try this “editing” tip next time! HTH!
12:36 pm on October 2nd, 2011
Hilarious story and bright ending. You are all stupid for taking it too seriously.
1:07 pm on October 2nd, 2011
Laughed my head off!!! Cheers
1:42 pm on October 2nd, 2011
You are pathetic, and disgusting. No, honey, you DON’T love your husband; I can tell you absolutely and without question that if you DID love him, the mere thought of another woman touching him sexually would be nauseating. I’ll be looking for news of your divorce in the near future, and I can guarantee you that he’ll move on to a good woman, who loves him enough to want him all to herself.
And you indeed need some therapy – obviously you aren’t handling the fact that you’re nameless in Hollywood, very well.
1:44 pm on October 2nd, 2011
..by the way, after posting, I realized I STILL don’t know your name – other than someone married to the guy from American pie. I won’t even give you the satisfaction of scrolling up to find out your name, because I’d rather that trash like you remain unknown ha-ha.
2:00 pm on October 2nd, 2011
Brilliantly told! You’re a talented writer.
2:01 pm on October 2nd, 2011
What’s wrong with calling a whore a whore? As a woman I wasn’t offended by any of it, I thought it was hilarious.
2:08 pm on October 2nd, 2011
It is spelled Gartenzwerg, Gartenzwergin when female, funny story anyway.
3:28 pm on October 2nd, 2011
Do you have tourette’s sydndrome that keeps you from referring to human women, even sex workers, as anything other than WHORES?
I’ve seen your acting work, Jenny, and your average sex worker is usually far more convincing.
Try respecting people, even WHORES.
4:17 pm on October 2nd, 2011
The men all love the article. The women all hate it.
Twas ever thus. Twill ever be thus.
The writer is rather witty, and it was a fun little
encounter. The writer is a guy’s girl, and will never want for male attention, and i suspect she likes it that way.
Thank you, cutie pie.
Namaste.
4:47 pm on October 2nd, 2011
Dear Sex Therapist….
If you’re going to be the grammar Nazi you should really consider learning how to use punctuation correctly.
5:33 pm on October 2nd, 2011
This is a sad and sorry example of people who feel entitled to treat people who have less money than they do as sub-human. I’m sure it was your intent to keep reminding us that this “seemingly normal” woman was a whore. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that word used so many times in one story. I feel sorry for the poor woman who had to deal with two shallow, self-important douchebags. They shoulda never gave y’all *****s money.
5:45 pm on October 2nd, 2011
It’s kinda like I want to have some reaction to this story – but then I remember this is the guy that stuck his dick into an apple pie and that’s why he’s famous. And this is the girl that married the guy who stuck his dick into an apple pie and that’s why she has some name recognition.
And when I think of it that way -
Where was Stiffler, Tara Reid, Eugene Leavy and that Coolidge Chick the whole time all this was going on ???
In the end it just all seems like another American Pie sequel.
Entertaining – but quickly forgettable.
7:05 pm on October 2nd, 2011
I don’t believe one word of this bullshit story. This woman is trying really hard to be controversial or relevant or something. She is an attention whore with a dorky husband who she’s trying so hard to make look ‘Hollywood’ cool.
I don’t believe for one minute that any of this happened. Jason is a nerd and his wife is a lying loser.
7:08 pm on October 2nd, 2011
This story is hilarious! For those of you that are sooooo seriously “offended”…not only did you keep reading, but you posted some pretty nasty comments??? Obviously, you are a MUCH better person than her. If it was that offensive to you, simply quit freaking reading it. Apparently, your goal in life consists of nothing but trashing others in a desperate attempt to make your life seem worth living. You must be self-loathing, close-minded a$$holes that are stuck in a sexless marriage and consider it their responsibility to tell others how they think their marriage should or shouldn’t be……am I correct in making these assumptions….or is it simply just a picture I’ve painted in my mind about you, based off of what I’ve read in your posts???? Jenny, kudos to you and your hilarious story. Had me LMAO the whole time! For those of you that don’t get it…I’m sorry that your life isn’t a more enjoyable experience.
8:04 pm on October 2nd, 2011
My wife and I say good for you Jenny, you rock.
9:49 pm on October 2nd, 2011
Jenny, you’re a female chauvinist and I utterly pity you. You should be ashamed of yourself.
10:40 pm on October 2nd, 2011
It was hilarious! Great writing. Some of you people have no sense of humor.
7:17 am on October 3rd, 2011
FYI, prostitutes ARE whores. What did you want them to be called? Saint Marys? IDIOTS!
7:28 am on October 3rd, 2011
Personally, I think it’s sick to want your husband to cheat on you. You obviously don’t really love him if you’re willing to share him.
8:55 am on October 3rd, 2011
LOL – Carrie, it is in no way ‘cheating’ if you’re 1. present, 2. consenting and 3. set the bloody thing up! If you’re up for it, why the hell not. I really do not get an insecure vibe.
10:13 am on October 3rd, 2011
pathetic
11:09 am on October 3rd, 2011
Wow…honestly, I don’t really take issue with hiring a prostitute sine you were both into it. BUT…
The first segment is appalling. You wanted to get a masseuse drunk so she would sell you sex? Ever heard of rape?
Furthermore, the constant condescending tone taken in referring to these women is obnoxious. Stop thinking you’re somehow better than they are. You’re not.
12:43 pm on October 3rd, 2011
What a boring, horribly written pile of shit. I’d rather read an actual pile of shit.
1:16 pm on October 3rd, 2011
I know you tried to sound like a ~cool wife~ in this story, see if you get some attention and work in Hollywood now that you’re edgy, but honestly this is embarrassing to even admit, not to mention share as if you were proud. What woman admits that her man is already bored of her one year into the marriage? What couple can’t pleasure themselves and need a hooker, and not even that works for them? What woman basically calls her husband a giant baby in bed?
Seriously dude, this is not even funny. Your husband still kinda works, this is just embarrassing. Not that anyone is surprised that the PieFucker has a boring sex life but still. Some things should be kept in the bedroom.
1:35 pm on October 3rd, 2011
E
I never comment on such things but you were so bang on that I had to congratulate you for ringing her bell. We also all tend to forget that actors are just people and by people I mean nervous, self-conscious, self-important egomaniacs. A red carpet and a spot light are more dangerous than heroin for people. What a waste of an article. This wasn’t clever or funny or original. Just someone trying to be edgy and trying to use someone else’s celebrity to their own gain and to keep that celebrity still in the proverbial sun. If this woman actually gets paid for such nonsense then there are a few million bloggers that should get to see a payday now and again. I’m just so saddened by modern society and people who believe they are someone important. Thanks reality t.v. and tmz for trashing society.
1:39 pm on October 3rd, 2011
Isn’t the poster ‘Jen’ actually Jenny? what a disguise. Same name just shortened and full of hurtful comments and personal praise. Well done.
1:54 pm on October 3rd, 2011
I love how some idiot commenter said that all the women hate this obviously made up and poorly-written story, and all the men love it. Scroll up, genius. Read the names of commenters. Both men and women hated this story, because its fucking stupid.
Jenny, can you remind us how you’re a writer and actress? I mean, we SO obviously can’t tell that you’re looking for some work and the only way you think you can get it is with a ~shocking~ story like this. Maybe if you had some real acting and writing talents, you wouldn’t have to make up misogynistic lies like this.
Jenny proved to be highly insecure, in a boring ass marriage that’s only been going on for a year, and that she is a bad writer.
Jason will always be lame and NEVER be seen as some sort of sex symbol or even a true actor.
Pathetic couple, pathetic story.
2:10 pm on October 3rd, 2011
This article is criminally unfunny. It’s not often that an article about sex totally turns me off. Way to go.
2:18 pm on October 3rd, 2011
The entire time I was skipping through paragraphs, “for something interesting” (bust!), I kept asking myself ‘who’s this woman, anyway?’
After c;icking on her IMDB profile, I’m still asking myself that question.
Evidently, it’s an Enquirer story, told in first-person form by a desperate nobody. It’s a Jason Biggs expose, ten years after his 15 seconds of fame (which, ironically, was really based around another woman’s sexuality; this guy’s a fucking cuckold off-screen and…oh, wait, he never appears “on” screen any longer).
The biggest irony, was this moron calling someone else a “whore”. And I’m not talking about the “sex”, but rather the entire setup and carry-thru for this boring story: Jenny’s (I had to look at the browser header just to recall her name) need for attention, which is little better than the average whore/moron’s FaceBook blather.
This crap wouldn’t pass for satire — there’s really no punch(line) outside the circular, pathetic nature of this dimwitted woman and her D-List (and falling) husband — nor a Penthouse Letter.
It’s a missive from a vacuous woman who doesn’t have the name-branding or the looks to get anyone interested in the real deal: a porn tape.
Whore culture 101. Maybe the Muslims are right.
The only consolation is that I’m not likely to ever see, hear or think about this cipher again.
Just another whore that calls itself “feminist”, no doubt.
Jason Biggs shriveled penis as a metaphor for his career, and the sad reality of his “marriage” to this self-important twat.
What was her name again?
2:34 pm on October 3rd, 2011
Bravo, Kid!
2:37 pm on October 3rd, 2011
You think this is bad? Try her oral dissertation. A blind, deaf monk with a cleft-palette and hooks for hands would have more talent in bed. And more wit as a writer.
Pity me.
2:40 pm on October 3rd, 2011
Finally! Someone with less talent for writing than me!
2:42 pm on October 3rd, 2011
Is there anything more tragic than a whore that can’t get attention? I cried.
3:42 pm on October 3rd, 2011
I’m a woman and I’m not offended by the story itself (although the continual use of ‘whore’ bothered me) and I really don’t care what people do in their private lives. But this wasn’t funny, it wasn’t gansta or racy or shocking. It wasn’t even particularly well written. And just an FYI, massage THERAPISTS aren’t ‘whores’ (to use your terminology.)
10:46 pm on October 3rd, 2011
So, I will totally agree that this was not especially well-written or funny. But really, the level of vitriol in some of these comments? Unbelievable. Seriously, what do you call someone who gets paid for sex? A WHORE! (What do you call a woman who gets paid $600 for a blowjob? An overpaid whore.) I don’t say this because I hate other women, or have low self-esteem, or am trying to look cool. That is just what you call someone who gets paid for sex.
11:08 pm on October 3rd, 2011
Where did all these moron commenters come from, TSJ? Did Perez lose a bet or something?
11:18 pm on October 3rd, 2011
wow. just wow. Just another self entitled actress who thought shed land the sure bed life of everyone paying attention to her by marrying an actor, only to find that attention lacking – and the marriage needing “rekindling” after just a year?!?! Get over yourselves. The SPECTACLE here that caught my attention is how amazing it is to see 2 people be so pathetically desperate for attention – or at least one of them.
please, get over yourselves.
11:48 pm on October 3rd, 2011
Loved the story. Should say creative genious.
2:34 am on October 4th, 2011
That was boring & so not gangstery in the slightest. Your writing was repetitive, belittling to the women you hired & well, just lame. Hopefully writing is not your day job.
3:04 pm on October 4th, 2011
Sure, “opinion”, she may be a creative “genious”, but she’s no creative genius. This story is dumb and badly told. Anyone calling this story “hilarious” must be the same people who watch network TV and also call that hilarious. Or perhaps they’re the same people who think American Pie is hilarious. But this story is neither hilarious nor entertaining. Like someone already mentioned, I kept waiting for the hook in the story, some reason for why I’m still reading this dribble – but it never came. Next time I see a column authored by Jenny Mollen, I will definitely skip it.
7:19 pm on October 4th, 2011
do you know who her husband is? look it up hahahaha .
funniest story Jenny!!
10:17 pm on October 4th, 2011
So many comments with their panties all in a twist! I’m sorry, but if your involved in ANY kind of sex act for money… you’re a whore. It was a good article, it made me laugh. It also taught me what NOT to do if my husband and I want to bring some outside “spice” into our marriage
4:40 am on October 5th, 2011
If you have to read or be told what NOT to do if you want to have some spice in your marriage, Mrs. O, than I plead with you to ask yourself WHY are you married in the first place? Talk about sad. Furthermore….for all those saying that a prostitute is a “whore” it is not P.C. that is almost as bad as calling a black person the “N” word. If you’re the creep who has to pay for sex than sure, I suppose the only way to feel better about it is to berate the woman (who YOU PAY) to engage in sexual acts. Remember, if she’s such a whore than WHY do you need her anyways? How about you remember that this is also a PROFESSION (now illegal) that is the oldest profession known. Furthermore, I’d like to comment on Jennys feelings of needing to “spice up their marriage” after only a year. Jenny…that’s a warning sign if you really felt that way. Also, if you’re trying to be funny……I’d like to point out that you barely made me snicker. This is not funny at all, rather it comes across as a desperate attempt for last minute attention that you and Jason need. Ouch. I guess Tara Reids botched boob job looks a lot better compared to Jenny Mollen Biggs’ writing skills.
11:42 pm on October 5th, 2011
Hope your acting is better than your writing. This was monotonous, boring and overly long.
1:11 pm on October 6th, 2011
lol i just dont get, why in the world would you wanna criticize what someone else does in their private life? its just a story in line with american pie movies, i mean really what else would you expect? if you thought it was boring, why did you read the whole thing and lol im assuming you were still bored after, so why would you comment?
7:21 pm on October 7th, 2011
You guys are insanely stupid. Has anybody not read her tweets here? I’ve met her in “real life” and she’s incredibly sweet, and she has a wicked sense of humor. Prudes like you guys, well most of you guys, wouldn’t understand it because your sense of humor is bland and dry.
Great writing
don’t let these ASSHOLES, say otherwise, because I got the humor and I laughed my ass off. Hope to meet you again, Jenny, you’re so kind! xo
3:15 pm on October 8th, 2011
Your friends must be so thrilled that you used both their names and the names of their children in this story.
3:05 am on October 9th, 2011
You’re fucking kidding me right? I’m not even married myself (In a continuous relationship for over 3 years now, with a 3 year old) and I know this is just disgusting. Who does that?
Those of you backing up the term “whore” as disrespectful, honestly, who respects whores? Not their customers! Not their bosses! Not their family, children, or friends! Get a grip on your morals, values and smarts, and remember that the term “whore” was YES.. invented for prostitutes, strippers, and mistresses! A whore is somebody who sells their vagina, cheats on their spouses, sleeps with MULTIPLE PEOPLE.
Have you, the ones in favor of her “creative writing” (fucking spare me) even thought about all the times Jason was uncomfortable with the situation?? The climatic act didn’t even happen and he went limp!!
How many times throughout this story did she attempt to make the situation happen? AND STILL FAILED
I have been in my second long-term, ever had in life relationship and I have never had the thought out having to “spice up” my relationship. They’re at one year of being married and she already feels like she needs someone to satisy her husband for her?
I don’t give one fuck to how nice or clever or badass you THINK she is in real life, this woman has some obvious issues, and if you are agreeing with her, you obviously have some of those issues too.
Work on your morals, please.
Here’s one question to you all -
If she’s such a secure, hot, adorable woman who knows how to please her husband (when she even admits to her husband going limp as she gives him head) then how come she can’t surprise him with a sexy outfit, or even completely naked, and even gets some in-bed advice from whichever resources she chooses to go to? Find out how to put on a sexy show for him, read a fucking BOOK on his weak spot, how to give him fantastic head, or the like?
I think all of you who are for this article need to think just a LITTLE harder.
6:26 pm on October 10th, 2011
Dude it’s fuckin’ Jason Biggs and his wife. Have you even watched his movies? He’s hilarious, leave them the fuck alone. Just ‘cuz you don’t have the money or balls to do anything like that. You guys are crack up
9:49 pm on October 11th, 2011
HAHA does Fonz know that’s what you were doing at his Bday party??
9:16 am on October 12th, 2011
Here’s a writing tip for you: Hire a good editor, unless you want to continue exposing yourself to the world as a brainless twit.
3:02 pm on October 13th, 2011
Friggin’ hilarious. Loved it!
11:27 am on October 23rd, 2011
I love how shocked you seem to be that sex workers can walk, talk, and think. Hint, honey: They’re women, just like you. Some of them are idiots who twirl their hair and others are intelligent and kind, and your condescending tone belies that Keisha’s probably more of both of the latter than you.
5:25 pm on October 23rd, 2011
Wow, forget the fact this is really badly written, its super offensive. Im not “a whore” but Im offended. Im glad you paid so much money to that woman, it may make up for what a disgusting person you are. Jason probably couldnt get a hard on because youre so desperate for his approval and your behaviour is so despicable.
Being honest is fine, but youve really shown yourself to be a nasty piece of work. Shame on you.
3:13 am on October 24th, 2011
Whorephobia, misogyny, and misconceptions from everyone ahoy!
10:52 am on October 30th, 2011
I don’t care about the content, I couldn’t get through the bad writing.
Maybe if there were more pictures of naked people to distract me… nope still can’t do it.
2:27 pm on November 1st, 2011
Thought it was funny. Started following you on Twitter because of it.
9:04 pm on November 4th, 2011
I can’t believe I just wasted 15 minutes reading this. Someone linked it, telling me it was funny, but it was just sad. I didn’t even smile once, but spent the whole time feeling bad for what a pathetic person the author must be. Between her judging the whores, being so desperate for approval, and having such mediocre writing skills that the whole story became tedious, she’s a real winner. She doesn’t come across as a “bad-ass”, because she spends the whole time being an uptight worrywart. It’s not even like she wanted to share the experience with her husband, which would at least give her a redeeming quality — she just wanted to appear “gangster”, but really came across as lazy and insecure.
8:27 pm on January 13th, 2012
This was hilarious. I can’t believe how many people are getting upset about this story – makes it even funnier.
1:30 am on February 11th, 2012
everyone who has anything negative to say about this is just miserable with their own lives! it’s humor people crawl out from under your rock and suck a dick or vag. If you didn’t like it why did u continue to read it? STFU HATERS
4:48 pm on March 9th, 2012
I can’t believe how much my stories in finding a threesome are like yours!!!! Ahhhh so frustrating.
6:06 am on March 14th, 2012
First of all, Drew Peacock HAS to be a disparaging reference to her ex-boyfriend, Drew Goddard.
Second, I can’t believe she flashed tits at some random kids in a Vegas airport. Depending on their age, if I’d been the mother, she’d have found herself on the wrong end of a lawsuit.
Third, I can’t believe not much is being made of the fact that she essentially got a masseuse drunk so she could have sex with her, after KNOWING the women wasn’t into it. Hello, rape charges?
I’ve met this woman once in real life, when she was still dating Goddard, while I worked as his assistant for a weekend. While seemingly sweet at first, her true persona made an appearance later when she deliberately attempted to humiliate me in front of her then boyfriend (a successful writer) and a large group of my friends. Considering this was at a Buffy convention that I worked at, and considering she was paid to be there, the least she could have done was pretend to be nice.
The girl is an insecure twit, who is clearly sexually frustrated and tries much too hard to be cool. I predict she and Jason are done before 2015.
10:47 am on March 30th, 2012
The German word for gnome is gartenzwerg not gartenswerk. Thank you for trying though.
9:44 am on April 20th, 2012
I just think its cool that they hang out with Stefan Lessard bass player for DMB and his wife. Great story. Fuck bitches, get money.
1:30 am on May 12th, 2012
What a joke. I can’t beleive the dummies they let stay in this town. Yikes……
11:45 am on June 4th, 2012
I can’t believe the amount of ppl that are outraged about this story. All of her columns are meant to be extreme and exaggerated for the sake of comic writing. Writers embellish ok? If nobody wrote about controversial topics, the world would be boring. And Spring, if you have this deep seated unforgivable attitude towards her, maybe you need to contact her directly instead of defaming her character to random people. This is all proof that society has some growing up to do and a lesson to learn in tolerance. Jenny keep doing what you’re doing sweetie. Keep laughing all the way to the bank and keep writing!!
11:24 am on June 8th, 2012
Yeah this is pretty funny.
5:29 am on June 14th, 2012
What a great story,all you haters out there need to chill the hell out and stop pretending that you haven’t thought or tried to do things like this. Jenny tells it exactly how it goes down when in Vegas. I bet Biggs has had some of the best sex of his life after that weekend….and for all you shut-ins, there are actual massage spas like on the Client List, that will provide a la carte massages..
9:47 am on June 30th, 2012
I like this story it makes me realize what pathetic losers there are in this worl. the pinay you made fun of because she’s small,? swindled your sorry stupid ass you need a life dumb bitch and
6:29 pm on July 1st, 2012
HAHAHAHA. Too funny. Can’t believe how many people were offended by this.
10:20 pm on July 13th, 2012
Wow this was bitchy and judgey. Think you may need to get yourself some self esteem. Also, while you’re at it, learn how to be funny. This had much potential for real comedy, it’s such an awkward situation to find yourself in. All that you did was overindulge your mean, cold hearted spirit. Stop going for the cheap laughs, like ridiculing a woman’s height (we get it, she’s short). Or resorting to the shock factor by overusing the word “whore” (we get it, she sells sex), and showing tits to kids (we get it, you’re gangster). Oh and one last thing, have some respect for your fellow human beings. Oh oh oh last thing i swear; if you ever decide to do the threesome thing again, at least TRY and act like you’re actually into it!!
Peace and love.
10:38 pm on July 13th, 2012
Judgey? Haha! Clearly I like making up words to replace ones that already exist!
*Judgemental
2:55 am on July 18th, 2012
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1:18 am on July 25th, 2012
Slutwalk, what a ridiculous name for a womens march. The best way I can insult a young man in front of his bro, on Feb 6, 2007, at Enfield Mall by talking to him like hes stupid and insulting his intelligence with a dumb question like, Do you know thats “sexual” “harassment” I “feel” disrespected” instead of just letting it go, and saying thanks for complimenting my cleavage and leaving it at that. I should not have made a false assumption.
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9:38 pm on September 1st, 2012
jason biggs is a piece of garbage who talks about his desire to rape women whose husbands he doesn’t agree with politically. and his trash wife thinks she’s a constitutional scholar. guess what, trashy, criminal threats of rape are not first amendment protected – neither is obscenity.
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6:17 pm on November 13th, 2012
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7:19 pm on January 23rd, 2013
Thanks for writing “Jenny and Her Husband Get a Whore | The Smoking
Jacket”. I personallymight absolutely be back again for even more reading and writing comments soon.
Thanks, Dustin
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2:32 pm on May 13th, 2013
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Keep up the good writing.
10:29 pm on May 15th, 2013
Hi! This is my first comment here so I just wanted to give
a quick shout out and tell you I really enjoy reading your blog posts.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects?
Thank you!