Five Potential Career Moves for James Franco

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James Franco is undoubtedly one of the most dexterous actors of our age, and it’s at the point where simply calling him an “actor” veers towards disservice to his dozen or so other careers.

Let’s not forget all that he’s up to these days: In addition to being simultaneously enrolled at Yale, NYU and Brooklyn College for PhD and MFA programs (and studying at RISD and Warren Wilson College on the side for kicks,) he’s a published author, has an upcoming role in the Broadway revival of Tennessee Williams’ Sweet Bird of Youth, is set to direct two music videos for R.E.M. and just bought the screen rights to Stephen Elliott’s The Adderall Diaries, which he plans to adapt. He’s had short stories published in Esquire and McSweeney’s, enjoys an accomplished career as a painter, just wrapped up an MFA at Columbia University and before that finished an undergrad degree at UCLA in 2 years, taking 62 credit hours per semester, over three times the normal limit.

Oh, and he is also known to appear in films and television.

Franco is a Renaissance man for our post-PC age. The only question is: Where does he go from here? We humbly submit our suggestions to you, the court of public opinion, in hopes that your overwhelming Facebook likes and endless chain-emailing will bring Mr. Franco’s attention to our site, whereupon he will respectfully consider our thoughts, take four short notes in his Moleskine, and place it in a filing cabinet labeled “Dreams.”

5. Blogger

Hey James, you’re into performance art, right? I’ve got your next project for you: blogging full-time for a week. And I’m not talking about some vanity celebrity guest blog where you walk around insulting the owner and being slutty. I’m talking about a minimum metabolism of 20 posts a day, and they all have to be interesting and informative and succinct and well thought out and original.

Sounds hard, I know! (Well, considering your tri-college workload, that might be more like a vacation for you.) Thing is, if you tried your hand at it, there’s no doubt an audience of millions would be ready to tune in and see what’s on your mind. You’re an inherently interesting guy, Franco. Your personality would naturally bleed through into your posts. (That is, after you’ve stopped bleeding from the fingers all over your keyboard from furious on-deadline typing.)

4. Musician

Michael Cera’s doing it, Jared Leto does it and dozens of actors before you have flipped into and out of bands like so many bisexual fish. (And Kanye did that short film; if there’s one gay fish in the entertainment industry, it’s him.) So why can’t you? Life on the road can’t be worse than the set of 127 Hours, right? It doesn’t take much, just that same devilish smirk you so often flash on the red carpet and a lot — a whole lot — of reverb for your vocals. (Remember: always ask for extra reverb. That tip’s on me.) Being an actor is cool but you don’t get groupies on set, you get gaffers. And I know gaffers. Trust me. You’d rather have groupies.

3. Astronaut

For the love of God, James, if there’s one man on this planet that can get us to Mars it’s you. Nobody’s got your particular strain of brains and raw talent. Improvisation is a very important skill when it comes to space travel — if the movie Lost in Space taught us anything, it’s that — and your entire life up to this point has basically been one big improvised act. Who else could we trust to figure out some amazing mission-saving idea if something goes horribly wrong en route? You, and probably Teddy Roosevelt, and that’s it. We’ll pair you up with a bunch of scientists who know themselves some physics and you’ll be all set to be the greatest American hero since Buzz Aldrin.

2. CIA Agent

Another career where improvisation is a core skill-set: CIA operative. (If the movie Team America: World Police taught us anything, it’s that.) I mean, you’re James Fucking Franco. Who could resist your charms? Definitely not some scumbag terrorist! “So, Ahmad, where’s Osama at today?” “Ahh, I dunno if I can say…” “Come on, man, this is James you’re talking to here!” “Eh, yeah, I guess you’re right. He’s in Paris.”

It would literally be that easy. Did the terrorists see your hilarious opening sketch for the Oscars? Yes, they did, because literally everyone watches the Oscars. Anyone would kill to be your friend, Franco! And you just can’t declare a jihad on friendship.

If you were to consider one other career choice, though, it oughta be…

1. President

I’m done with this wishy-washy White House political bullshit train that’s been bringing down the national mood since I was a kid. Done with corrupt leaders and trillion-dollar deficits and “the economy” and soft answers and hard luck. Done with political leaders who think meeting lobbyists out for dinner qualifies as a hobby. It’s time for real leadership in a real recession. It’s time for transparency, accountability and a White House with an IMDB page as impressive as its legislation record. Franco/Winfrey 2012. I don’t wanna get anyone too excited here, but if the Oprah Winfrey Network is still around by then, the possibilities could be endless.

Special thanks to Trevor Zakrzewski for Photoshopped Franco goodness.

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