No matter what side of the political fence you fall on, chances are you’ve had some complaints about the government infringing on your personal freedoms. Maybe you’ve expressed concerns about Patriot Act provisions or complained that the local milk council placing a poster in your child’s school cafeteria amounts to unfair influence from the socialists in the Department of Health. Whatever the case, we can all agree that the government needs to just step back and let us live our lives, right? Wrong.
If you ask us the government isn’t policing people enough. Too many idiots are running the streets dabbling in things they have no business dabbling in. It’s high time our tax dollars went to getting that shit in line. Here are six everyday things that should require government issued licenses…
This is a no-brainer. You already have to be licensed to own some animals, although there are always those people who decide to skirt the rules and try to raise a pet tiger in a tiny NYC apartment or something. It’s mostly for our protection that we can’t just go buy a bear at Mini-Critters. It should be for the protection of the domesticated animals of the world that we humans shouldn’t be able to just own a pet without proving we’re up to the task.
Nearly everyday headlines are filled with stories about people who clearly aren’t interested in or able to raise an animal without the entire situation turning into a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Yet somehow, these people consistently end up the proud owners of soon to be abused pets. If you have to have a license to shoot an animal, you should need a license to own one too.
Full Size SUVs
Yes, you do technically need a license to operate a full size SUV (like a Cadillac Escalade, for example). But here’s the thing, driving a luxury tank that’s bigger than most living rooms is not the same as driving a Toyota Camry. But for reasons that remain a mystery to us, anyone from a rickety old senior to a dwarf-sized mail order soccer mom can drive either one without proving any further driving skill than what was required to pass driver’s education back in high school. That’s nonsense.
You need a different license to operate a motorcycle, you need a different license to operate a huge commercial vehicle, why in the hell shouldn’t you at least have to prove you can back your borderline motor home out of a parking spot at Target without bringing all traffic in six different directions to a grinding halt for 15 minutes before you’re allowed to purchase a Chevy Tahoe? This guy knows what we’re talking about.
Of all the musical instruments that people beat to death on Youtube millions of times per day, none has more potential for abuse than the acoustic guitar. In the right hands, it’s all a person needs to record an entire album of beautiful music. In the wrong hands, it plays a huge role in ruining your night out when some misguided restaurant owner decides their establishment needs live music and just hands the headlining slot over to the first middle-aged, divorced father of two with enough pocket cash to buy a decent Martin and enough patience to learn how to barely fumble his way through “The Needle and the Damage Done.” Just like that, your night of drinks with friends turns into a night of drinks with friends and an endless string of America covers. If you’re going to own an acoustic guitar, you should at least have to prove you aren’t going to be a giant pussy about it. That’s all we ask.
This is one that we could easily solve without government intervention. Companies who sell spandex could just stop making it in sizes that everyone but those few individuals deluded enough to buy a pair of size XXXXXXL biker shorts knows is completely unnecessary. But in this case, the market has refused to correct itself, so the government needs to get involved. It’s in the best interest of everyone that we put some restrictions on who can and can’t rock spandex at the gym. When you weight 400 pounds, nothing you can do physically will be made easier or more awesome just because you’re wearing a compression shirt or whatever the fuck. You don’t want to end up with your picture plastered all over the Internet because you decided to push the boundaries and wear a cycling uniform just to ride the stationary bike at the gym any more than we want to take that picture and be the ones who post it. A licensing process will prevent these public fashion failures.
We can all agree that people who text while driving should be beaten with a hammer and, fortunately, most places have stepped in to make the retarded practice illegal. But why should the policing of cell phones end there? Remember that viral video of a girl who got thrown out of an Austin, TX movie theater for texting and decided that leaving an angry voice mail for theater management was the proper reaction? That girl is a dipshit. And so are you if you think that using a cell phone in any capacity in a movie theater is okay. If you’re making a call during a movie, your date better be having a stroke and that call better be to 911. And even then, keep that shit down. Nobody asked you to bring shaky brain to the movies in the first place.
Would it kill us as a nation if, prior to owning a cell phone, we were required to complete a quick questionnaire about when it is and isn’t appropriate to use a cell phone? If you check the “yes” box when asked if it’s okay to leave your ringer on at a comedy club, you just shouldn’t be allowed to own a cell phone. Easy as that.
People who don’t understand computers will be the ones who eventually destroy the Internet. You can bank on that. When that crippling virus that we all know will come along some day and end our online lives as we know them does finally come, it will make it’s way through thanks to some imbecile who can’t be bothered to get decent virus protection on their computer. Or maybe it will be an impressionable tween who thinks every email she receives is from a trustworthy source who gets her way better than her parents ever could so it’s totally cool if she opens that attachment that some hacker in China posing as a 14-year-old high school kid included with that email he sent her out of the blue. She’s almost an adult, she knows what she’s doing!
And just like that, the entire Internet has computer AIDS. Not if we have anything to say about it. If you can’t prove your ability to operate a computer without straying from pre-established guidelines meant to ensure that you don’t download an mp3 that cripples the country’s infrastructure, you just can’t have a computer. Sorry.