Santa Claus is one of the most beloved characters in the world, so it’s with a heavy heart that we have to come to the conclusion that the jolly old elf is one of the most incompetent corporate leaders today. As our Christmas specials have shown, Santa has been dropping the ball.
For the record, we subscribe to the theory the office of Santa Claus is held by different people, as featured inThe Santa Clause and Ernest Saves Christmas. So read through for our suggestion for the next Santa Claus. But first, here are the major areas that next Santa Claus will have to address.
1. Physical Security
Santa Claus has failed to secure himself and the North Pole from villains worldwide. It starts in 1989, with King Koopa taking over the North Pole in the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. The North Pole was taken over in 1993 by Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas and in 1996 Sonic the Hedgehog had to save him in The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Maybe Santa would see danger better with a little LASIK?
You’d think he’d step up security post 9/11, but it’s only gotten worse. In 2002 alone he was saved in The Jackie Chan Adventures, only to be shot down in Iraq on South Park. In 2003 he was saved by The Hebrew Hammer and Kim Possible. In 2011 he was shot down by Harold and Kumar.
That many reindeer and you can’t train one to stab an intruder?
Apparently screening the next Santa Claus doesn’t include a psychiatric exam. You’d think with jolly in the job description you’d find healthy people, but Santa gets moody often.
We won’t mention his benders.
In 1989, we saw him give up in It Nearly Wasn’t’ Christmas. In 2007, the show Camp Lazlo saw Santa’s workshop hit my a meteor, and he decides to stay at a summer camp rather than get back to work. In a 2010 episode of Family Guy, Brian and Stewie save Christmas when Santa is burned out by the workload.
3. Industrial Espionage / Data Security
In this modern era, data security is key. Unfortunately, the villains are far ahead of Santa on this front. Santa’s list, the most important document in his business, is a major target. In 2003, Princes Morbucks of the Powerpuff Girls hacked the list to make herself look good and the Powerpuff girls look naughty. In 2009, Phineas and Ferb’s Dr. Doofenschmirtz uses his Naughtyinator to change everyone in the city to the naughty list.
Santa’s industrial security is no better. In 2000, The Ultimate Christmas Present has two girls discover Santa’s weather machine in an unguarded cabin in the woods and use it to create a snowstorm in Southern California. In 2005 Code Name: Kids Next Door, Santa’s reindeer machines stolen by a rival kid’s spy group
You need less whimsy and more security cameras, fat man!
Obesity is a leading cause of illness, but Santa is really contributing to those numbers. Despite the fact that he does one big day of work a year, he finds himself sick on that day far more often than average.
One of the earliest cases was on The Flintstones, where Santa is sick (1964) and sprains his ankle of Fred’s roof (1977). In 1989, like in The Hebrew Hammer, Jews come through in the pinch to save Christmas, when Hanukkah Harry helps out when Santa is sick
1994 saw The Santa Clause where in Santa, who obviously failed to watch Home Improvement, landed on Tim Allen’s roof only to fall off a ladder. 1997 saw Santa get his ass kicked by Johnny Bravo. 2000 brought Santa Who?, with Santa getting amnesia. In 2003 that little atheist Jimmy Neutron nearly kills Christmas for everyone when he scrambles Santa’s DNA. 2009′s Merry Madagascar saw wild animals have to take over the job.
2006 was the strangest year with the TV movie Santa Baby. Named after a song where a gold digger flirts with Santa to be her sugar daddy, the film stars Jenny McCarthy as Santa’s daughter. Rather than some weird Freudian plot, she has to take over when Santa is sick, which presumably means switching out poor children’s requests for vaccinations with cheap Chinese crap.
That, children, is the story of how McCarthy Claus saved you all from the ravages of vaccines.
5. Public Relations Failures
For a guy with surrogates stationed in every mall, it baffles the mind that a guy who relies on belief can’t get enough people remember he’s at the North Pole.
In 1984′s The Night They Saved Christmas an oil company is dynamiting near the workshop to find oil. Santa, rather than lawyering up and stake his claim, enlists the wife and kids of the guy running the Arctic oil site. Despite the fact oil companies can’t drill in Alaska national parks, Santa never thinks to ring up Greenpeace and get his magical workshop protected.
In 2003 we learn that Santa, despite living on top of oil, has a sled that runs on the beliefs of children.
A joint energy technology developed with Monsters, Inc.
His sleigh crashes for lack of belief and relies on a Will Ferrell’s retarded manchild to solve a simple awareness campaign.
By 2007 people had enough and a corporate raiders attempts to take over in Fred Claus, where Vince Vaughn is the only one to save Christmas.
6. Witches and Fairies: Santa’s Kryptonite
Despite being the most beloved magical person, Santa’s popularity can’t get him respect in the supernatural world. Witches and fairies disrupt Christmas time and again.
The first time is in C.S. Lewis’s The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, where the White Witch blocks Santa from coming to Narnia. In 1995, Rita from The Power Rangers tries to block Santa from coming.
Repeat offenders include Sabrina the Teenage Witch, who nearly ruined Christmas in 1997 (injuring Santa and having to do his run) and 1998 (erases memory of Christmas in the mortal world). Timmy Turner from the The Fairly Odd Parents wished it was Christmas everyday in 2001, followed by Timmy creating Wishmas in 2008, causing Santa to be unemployed. In 2012 Timmy’s granting of wishes threatens Santa again, and when Timmy is confronted he causes Santa to fall into a gift wrapping machine and get brain damage.
Santa’s wish this year? Timmy Turner dead.
So… Who Should Ascend to the Santa Position?
Ultimately who should we have as the new Santa? The answer is obvious: Actor Richard Karn, aka Al Borland from Home Improvement.
Ladies, he’s knows who’s been naughty.
We know he could survive a fall from a ladder caused by Tim Allen, he is a competent craftsman who takez shop safety, health and security seriously. His popularity would solve all PR issues and help him get witches and fairies from ruining the holiday.
So tweet @Richard_Karn and let him know you believe in Santa, you believe in Richard Karn.
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