If Every Guy’s Bucket List Was Honest…

A bucket list, for anyone who doesn’t know, is a list of things a person wants to do or accomplish before they die (presumably soon) that they either never had the time or balls to do while they were alive and not staring down the grim reaper. It’s a cute enough concept that Hollywood has made more than a few shitty movies based on its existential appeal.

But there’s a fatal flaw in all bucket lists. Namely, that they’re total bullshit. Bucket lists are like diaries—you only write them in the hope that someday your kids will read them after you die and discover you had a hot, torrid affair with the Latino gardener while they were away at camp. This means nobody is ever really truly honest about what they would do if they knew they were going to die in the near future.

But that doesn’t mean a real bucket list is some giant mystery, either, because any wish or desire a dude might have can be attributed to a set of six basic urges that we’ll explain that all revolve around a very important two-word concept that envelopes a guy when he knows they will die soon: “Fuck it.” As in, fuck it I’m just gonna do it. Hence, a real bucket list becomes a Fuckit List. And here’s where we take a shot at generalizing what every guy’s Fuckit List looks like in six basic components.

1. FUCK SOMETHING

If Every Guy's Bucket List Was Honest
When conventional emotions like guilt and social constraints like inhibition have no use anymore, we revert to our biological impulses and just do what comes natural. And what comes natural is to fuck something. Human? Animal? Plant? Doesn’t really make a difference. It’s the end of the world, and Santa isn’t coming this year. There is no naughty and nice.

Sounds depraved, right? Well no, actually. It’s quite beautiful, because a bunch of guys desperate to put their dick in something means for a short period of time, there are NO standards to be had. Like when Michael Schoeffling finally gave in and threw Molly Ringwald a bone at the end of 16 Candles. NO STANDARDS!

Usually boringly translated as: “Spend one last evening with my wife.”

2. KILL SOMETHING

If Every Guy's Bucket List Was Honest
Human? Animal? Plant? Doesn’t really make a difference. Don’t act all shocked, either. People kill for fun in the sane, functioning, not-about-to-end world all the time. One could argue it’s America’s favorite simulated recreation. Drop down in any neighborhood, throw a rock, and you’ll hit a house with somebody in it playing the shit out of Call of Duty. Or at least brushing up on their People To Kill list.

Watch any apocalypse movie ever, and you’ll notice that whoever survives the apocalypse has to watch out for crazy humans just as much as whatever is killing them. This is because killing is something of a taboo, and they tend to collapse when civilization does.

Usually boringly translated as: “Make contact with guy who used to punch me a lot back in second grade. Forgive instead of shoot in the head.”

3. BLOW SOMETHING UP

If Every Guy's Bucket List Was Honest
There’s no time to build a house, or a museum, or the Chrysler Building before the clock strikes midnight on mankind. Nobody who’s not Amish and can’t build a barn in a day would really bother pondering on building something. The end of the world is no time for long-term emotional investment and back-breaking labor. End-of-the-world homey don’t play that.

There is time, however, to mix a few common household chemical products into an IED and blow something up. Why blow something up? Because we’re all effed anyway. Why not blow something up? We look for any excuse to blow stuff up. The end of the world is like giving a recovering alcoholic keys to the bar.

Usually boringly translated as: “Build a house.”

4. BURN SOMETHING DOWN

If Every Guy's Bucket List Was Honest
As the only species in the history of the Earth to harness and conquer fire, we’re all qualified pyromaniacs at heart. And we all have the subconscious desire to unleash the chemical fury. It’s in our DNA. So… fire! We can FINALLY play with it! Burn down the forests!

Watching stuff burn relates to the same biological imperative that would have us dry-humping something. And since there’s no point in contributing to and preserving nature, we’d rather just indulge in destroying it and feel like cavemen.

Usually boringly translated as: “Plant a tree.”

5. GO REALLY FAST IN SOMETHING… ANYTHING
If Every Guy's Bucket List Was HonestThe looming apocalypse is all about blowing the lid off of minor societal inconveniences that irritate us while we still have time to stick it to the man…even though both we and the man are doomed all the same…and we are the man, technically. So what’s irritating? Mostly speed limits. Speed limits are irritating.

This confluence of events means, essentially, getting in a plane, or automobile, or maritime vessel, and gunning it. Just gunning it. Not to race anybody, or set any records, just to go as fast as your spirit will let you now that you don’t have to worry about law enforcement or a tragic death.

Usually boringly translated as: “Go skydiving.”

6. BE A GENIUS AT SOMETHING
If Every Guy's Bucket List Was Honest

And by genius, we mean the Professor X kind, not the Stephen Hawking kind. Everybody wants to be the lawnmower man for a day. Nobody wants to be their astrophysics teacher from college. We’ll admit it is a little childish to wish for a supervillain’s grasp of telepathy. But it’s only for a short while, so na na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo.

Everybody wants to be smart. But that stuff takes, like, years. We’d rather just hope we accidentally fall into a vat of mysterious radioactive material and wake up the next day with the ability to start a fire with our thoughts.

Usually boringly translated as: “Learn a new language.” 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Ask TSJ: I Hired a Warlock to Bring Back My Ex But —  
The 5 Most Overrated Things About Banging Your Teacher 

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