Your Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

Recently, Al Jazeera bought Al Gore’s cable network Current TV. Current is only the latest cable channel to sell out. SciFi was turned to Syfy so NBC Universal could dump nerds, G4 is turning from geek culture into Esquire channel for douche culture and A&E, Discovery, History and TLC all turned from highbrow documentaries into white trash reality shows.

As nothing beautiful in life can last, we might as well prepare for how the rest of our favorite cable channels will sell out.

1. BET

Founded in 1980 as Black Entertainment Television, the network has been a force in African American culture. However, it was sold to Viacom and its only a matter of time before the executives decide “diversify” the network by appealing to suburban white guys who listen to rap.

It’ll start with hip–hop makeover shows and reality shows for the idiot white spouses of successful black celebrities. Before long spinoffs of those shows, and the spinoffs of the spinoffs, will mean that you’ll be as likely to find a black person on BET as you are to find one on HBO’s Girls.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

The target demographic.

2. Fox News Channel

The most watched TV news network built its name by claiming not to be the mainstream media. However, with an aging viewership dying off and News Corp. empire falling apart, its only a matter of time until some new blood comes in. Angry old white men will be replaced with a diverse set of young sexy male anchors to appeal to the female and gay demographics. In fact, the Anderson Cooper effect will require they hire at least one youthful, fair-haired homosexual to bring those demographics in.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

Hey, who left this picture of Peter Doocy here?

As the new demographics come in the radical conservative propaganda will be replaced with actual news. Or just Kardashian updates.


ESPN will one day decide that those middle hours of the day filled with repeats of SportsCenter could be filled better with some more enticing programming. What will start as behind-the-scene documentaries like ESPN All-Access: Ohio State Training Days will spread into caddy reality shows, game shows and “Best Sports Reality Stars” countdown lists replacing sports content. By 2015 ESPN will be telling critics they can always turn to ESPN 2 and 3 if they want to watch live sports content.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

By 2020 this will be the last place catch sports.

4. HBO

What will bring down the Emmy magnet network that gave us The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Wire? Three camera family sitcoms. Also, expect a Law and Order reboot as well.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

This is how it all ends: Not with a bang, but with a laugh track.

5. IFC

The Independent Film Channel is a hub for high brow and under-respected indie films for a high class audience. However, its attempt at original satire will be its undoing. Portlandia is hilarious and biting satire on hipsters, but as most hipsters refuse to self-identify this will bring a crisis. Hipsters will ironically start campaigns to bring bad shows to the channel. The indie films that defined the channel will be replaced with Two and a Half Men reruns and a new spinoff of NCIS.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

I liked IFC before I started watching and ruining it.

6. Disney Channel

Disney’s purchase of LucasFilm will result in several new TV shows to generate revenue. Soon a Star Wars themed show will appear and draw in male fans of all ages. Demand will be so high Disney will seek out other scifi properties to keep the audience watching. Before long the kid programming will be shoved into a smaller and smaller slot and Battlestar Gallactica, Star Trek, Dr. Who and other series take up more and more time.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

Disney Channel new logo, coming in 2014.

7. Nickelodeon

Kids from the ’90s will start a petition to bring back classic shows like Are You Afraid of the Dark and The Adventures of Pete and Pete. With advertisers realizing children don’t have disposable income, they will demand more adult audiences, creating a whole network dedicated to nostalgia, repeats and Nicktoon slash fiction.

How Your 7 Favorite Cable Channels Will Sell Out [Like Syfy]

This nostalgia orgy will give ’90s kids more pleasure than an actual orgy.

Follow Philip Moon @Philip_R_Moon 


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