How to Build a Fantasy Fantasy Team

Fantasy Football is great…if you love football, gambling or just publicly busting your friends’ balls in online message boards. However, I do find myself questioning where all the “fantasy” in Fantasy Football is. I have lots of fantasies–most of them involving twins, trampolines and piles of bacon–and none of them including big, sweaty NFL players. That is why I propose that in 2010, instead of drafting untested rookies and unreliable kickers, we put the FANTASY back in a Fantasy Draft and actually “pick” people who we fantasize about. Here’s how it works…

1. Get a group of friends together to start your own Fantasy Fantasy League. Be sure to pick a clever league name like “Mad Men” or “League #098773.”

2. Each person in your league will draft five fantasy girls (e.g. Playmates, models, actresses, friends’ mothers, reality stars, non-blood-related relatives, etc.) Like any good draft, this one should be fully catered and have no shortage of liquids that make big girls look pretty.

Drafting goes in standard fantasy order (Round 1: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8; Round 2: 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1; Round 3: 1, 2, 3, 4…)

TIP: You want to keep in mind which fantasy girls have the potential to score you the most points. Lindsay Lohan is a safe first-round pick, while “Sloan” from Entourage is hot, but not a sure thing.

3. Once your “team” is meticulously assembled down to the last pubic hair, the match-ups can begin. Each week, Fantasy Squads will battle in super hot head-to-head action.

4. Scoring: In this league, touchdowns and sacks are worthless, but sex tapes and trips to rehab score BIG points.

• Sex Tape Rumors: +5
• Herpes Rumors: -50
• Sex tape Confirmed: +10
• Lesbian Sex Tape Confirmed: +20
• Lesbian Sex Tape Co-Stars Ellen DeGeneres: -200
• Cover of Playboy: +5
• Naked Inside of Playboy: +10
• Naked Inside of Hustler: Whore
• Caught by TMZ Flashing Panties: +3
• Caught by TMZ Flashing “Downtown Lady Land”: +7
• Significant Weight Gain: -5
• Significant Weight Gain Due to Breast Implants: +5
• Pregnancy: -4
• Pregnant by You: -40
• Gets Engaged: -3
• Gets Married: -6
• Calls off an Engagement or Gets Divorced: +5
• Cuts Hair Very Short: -2
• Goes to Rehab: +7
• Gets Arrested: +4
• Starts Dating Mel Gibson: +500

This should get you started, but it is up to your individual  league to agree upon point value and score-able offences.

4. Scheduling: This will vary depending on how many teams you have in your league. Each week starting at 12 a.m. Sunday, a new game begins. During that week, it is up to you to keep a close eye on your team and your opponents team for any indiscretions that could help you and hurt them. Megan Fox shows her Fox Hole getting out of a cab? That’s seven points for you. Adriana Lima gets a hipster buzz cut? Send out the pic to your buddy and shave two points from his score.

The goal here is to have a little fun, enjoy some eye-candy, and not have to deal with fractional numbers on a Monday morning. Plus, you still get to stick it to your friends, and isn’t that really what this is all about?

So create a league, pick a team and together we can put the “FANTASY” back into Fantasy Sports.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. To follow Kevin on Twitter click here.