How I Met Your Mother is CBS’s hit show about the quest of architect Ted Mosby to find “The One.” And it’s a seemingly never ending quest, with CBS buying new seasons. Many viewers question the length and the time frame, considering Ted’s teenaged kids in 2030 can only be born in a few years time.
Kids, you’re adopted.
But lost in the discussion is an important fact: Why does Ted Mosby only date white women?
I Love NY
If your quest is to find your one true soulmate, then New York City is a great place to start. Populous and cosmopolitan, New York is 36 percent foreign-born, attracts creative and ambitious people and offers the greatest variety of women.
Let’s review Ted’s women:
If that graphic is too complex, here’s the condensed version
Ted Mosby literally told his children about the time he (probably) had a threesome with two girls, and the kid who he inadvertently inspired to be a porn star, but the thought of pursuing non-white women is too kinky for him?
Above: Perfect Children’s Stories.
The Janet McIntyre Conundrum
Some of you die-hard fans are rushing to the comments section to remind me of Janet McIntyre, the black woman Ted did go out on a date with.
This episode was banned in several southern states.
This is the exception that proves the rule. See, Ted did go out on a date with Janet, but under pressure from his friends he did some online searching of her background only to find she was billionaire heiress, Princeton grad at age 15, youngest woman to climb Mt. Everest and saved a baby from a creek and donated a kidney to a stranger.
What does Ted do? He becomes intimidated at the thought of dating an independent, successful black woman, screws up the date and reveals he checked on her background, despite both agreeing not to. Janet never returns, continuing the long streak of television shows avoiding having strong black female characters that aren’t Tyler Perry in drag. Worse, it pulls the rug under my 15 part epic Ted Mosby/Condoleeza Rice erotic slash fiction series.
The new final scene of the series, with Condoleeza denouncing Ted Mosby’s small penis before Congress.
Always Bet on White?
Janet aside, pure numbers suggest that Ted should have run into more non-white women. New York City is only 44 percent white, yet Ted is rolling 96 percent white women. Even if we factor 10 percent of non-white women turned off of white men because of Barney, it still looks bad in Ted’s favor. He track record with minorities is worse than The Bachelor.
Ted: “I swear I have porn of non-white women on my hard drive, just let me keep searching!
It’s Not The Show, it’s Ted
It might be easy to blame the decision based on TV’s long history of minimizing minority characters. But this doesn’t hold for the rest of the cast. Ted’s ex Robin date Kal Penn for several episodes and Barney Stinson’s track record includes every ethnic group, including ones modern anthropology doesn’t know about yet.
There are no lost tribes, Ted, just lost virginties. High-five!
We know for sure from the hints that The Mother is going to be white, and so are Ted’s kids. And while the show has been renewed, the window is narrowing for Ted to take advantage of his bachelor years and add some color to his monochromatic love life. We can only hope that Barney, now engaged to Robin, will cite some obscure passage of the bro code in which Ted must be his sexual surrogate at the bachelor party, and with the help of a Stinson-family recipe aphrodisiac, Ted spends one might catching up on all the lost years.
That’ll make a great bedtime story for the kids.
Follow Philip Moon @Philip_R_Moon