Stupid Advice: Ideal Christmas Gifts for Women

Welcome to “Stupid Advice,” a new column in which we point out stupid advice for men and explain why it’s stupid. After all, there’s enough stupidity out there already.

This week’s “Stupid Advice” award goes to Elizabeth Valleau for her Esquire.com article, Gifts That Will Keep You Married.

The holidays! A season that fills every man in a relationship with terror. Whether she’s your girlfriend, your wife or your
friend-with-benefits, you will feel obligated to buy her something. Should you? Probably. Women like it when men buy them stuff. We’re materialistic like that. And it increases your chances of scoring. So, everybody wins.

Thankfully, Esquire.com has sought out a woman who claims to be able to tell you what to get your lady if you want to keep her. We have perused said list—and find it lacking. Unless you want to find your gift coming back at you as a projectile aimed at your head, we strongly recommend that you ditch Ms. Valleau’s advice and take ours instead.

Jewelry

While most broads like any type of adornment involving “diamonds,” “platinum,” and “carats,” the necklace Esquire picked out is nothing but fug. You want to make a woman happy? We’ve got one word for you. Tiffany. Imagine the returns you’ll get—and we don’t mean in the store.

Lingerie

Not an inherently bad choice, but Stupid Advice recommends you get something uncomplicated. In our experience, when guys buy lingerie, they always get the complicated stuff. The see-through, three-piece thing with the thong up the wazoo and removable nipple flaps. You don’t have to buy her Hanes, but stay away from that ensemble your favorite stripper rides the pole in.

A Purse

This idea is boring and lame. Aren’t purses supposed to be, like, symbolic vaginas? If so, why would a woman want a second vagina? One vagina is enough, thanks.

An Incredibly Sexy T-Shirt

Stupid Advice feels strongly that “sexy” and “T-shirt” an oxymoron make. Get her a tool belt while you’re at it. If you’re going to buy her something to wear, buy her a sexy dress.

Linens

True story: One time, a guy got Stupid Advice sheets for Christmas. We opened the package, remained silent for a moment, and then said, “You got me sheets?” This was when Stupid Advice knew the relationship was doomed.

A Maid

This is a great passive aggressive gift. “Hi, honey, you’re a god damn slob. This isn’t what I signed up for when I married you. Now I have to hire another woman to clean our house because you won’t. Merry Christmas. Love, Your Husband.”

A Scarf with Skulls on It

Stupid Advice actually bought this scarf (in another color) for a girlfriend. Think about that. Stupid Advice, who is a woman, bought it for a friend, who is a woman. If you buy a woman a scarf with skulls on it, she is going to think you are preparing to kill her.

Joint Gym Membership

Joint or not, why not save yourself the time and write, “Babe, you’re fat,” on a card and give it to her, because no woman on earth is going to see this gift in any other light.

Chocolates

Acceptable as a stocking stuffer. Otherwise, save it for Valentine’s Day.

Restaurant Coupon

Here’s the thing. A gift is never a gift for a woman when it comes from a man. Women look at gifts as an exact, literal symbol of how much she means to you. If you give her a coupon, you are telling her that a) you are cheap, and b) she isn’t worth much to you. Prepare to be discounted.

A Divorce

Apparently, this is for the woman who cheats on you. Stupid Advice feels the holidays are never a good time to dump someone. What if they give you something really good? Save the divorce papers for the new year. It’ll give you something to look forward to.

Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Go here to read more.