Twelve New Sex Positions Inspired By Historical Events

Sex is great, but learning new sexual positions can be challenging and time consuming. Why else have we, as a nation, pretty much agreed on the same basic seven positions? (Doggy, Cowgirl, Missionary, Standing, Side-spoon, Reverse Cowgirl and the ever popular PILE-DRIVER). I know that there are many other “moves” out there, however, they have not been embraced by the masses, and you know what they say… “first come the masses and then the asses.”

To spice things up a bit, I present to you some new sexual positions/moves inspired by historical events. (If only they had taught it this way in school, maybe I wouldn’t be an internet columnist today).

The Pearl Harbor

This occurs when you’re having sex with your girl in Hawaii when, out of nowhere, multiple Asian guys burst in and start pounding away at her.

The O.J. Trial

This is when your penis doesn’t fit well inside of a vagina, but you get off anyway.

The Civil War

This happens when one of you really wants oral sex, while the other wants regular sex. It’s a real North vs South battle. Unlike the real Civil War, in the end of this position, the South will rise again.

The Mortgage Crisis

This occurs whenever you start having sex inside of the house, but finish outside… then get locked out.

The Betty White

From now on this is the official term for when your penis goes from being really hard, then goes soft for an incredibly long time and then inexplicably gets hard again.

The Nancy and Tonya

Ever have sex so long that your knees hurt? The Nancy and Tonya happens when you’re “icing” a girl so hard she has trouble walking the next day.

The Jersey Shore

This is a LONG sex session, so long, in fact, that you end up breaking a sweat. You get a good work out and a good load out… all over the sheets. Gym, Tan, Laundry?

The Moon Landing

This is when you are about to have sex with a girl who you and a buddy have been competing for, and at the last minute he comes out of no where and sticks it in her ass. Houston, we have a big problem!

The Great Depression

After a wild night of having carefree sex with a “10,” reality sets in when you wake up to find that she’s a “10” in reverse. Your confidence is shaken and a sexual drought sets in.

The Rosa Parks

You are too tired to get off the couch for sex in the bedroom and, rather than giving in, you stand your ground and have sex on the couch.

Chernobyl

When you least expect it, you have a meltdown all over yourself.

The Charlie Sheen

This move pretty much covers everything else.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.