Headshots: Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

ZOMBIES HAVE BECOME ALL TOO POPULAR in contemporary art in the past decade. From Shawn of the Dead, to Zombieland, to Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, to The Walking Dead, to Taylor Swift,  to my ex-girlfriend Hanna, zombies have had a prominent place in the artistic discourse and public life in general. But what if it isn’t all art? What if it is part of the zombies master plan, a brilliant disguise of desensitization meant to prepare us for the slaughter, the horror, the Armageddon of the risen? What if it’s the zombie apocalypse?

In the past few weeks zombies have left film, television, and the pages of graphic novels in order to penetrate our lives. Luka Rocco Magnotta, the alleged ex of notorious serial killer Karla Homolka, has been arrested for dismembering a Montreal university student. Morgan State student Alexander Kinyua admitted to police that he ate part of his roommate.  In Florida, Rudy Eugene was shot and killed by police when found eating the face of a homeless man. What in the name of Hannibal Patricia Lecter is going on here?

Headshots took it upon itself to look into some other evidence of the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Fill the pantry with rations, and load up the shotguns kiddies. It’s about to get undead.

1. …AND BEARS, OH MY

In Canada, in a place called Kamloops (which is Native Canadian for “eat the souls of others”), a black bear ate the body of Rory Nelson Wagner, who just so happens to be a convicted murderer. Coincidence? Happenstance? Devine justice? Nope. What you won’t read in the papers is that the bear is an agent of the Zombie movement, stationed in the Canadian wilderness, cultivating acceptance from the populace by killing a murderer. In a few weeks that bear will be eating peoples in a Target, mark my word. Zombies love to lull you into complacency.

2. THE BIRDS ARE IN ON IT

A few months back, off the coasts of Chile and Peru, thousands of birds showed up dead on the beaches. Scientists, who should never be trusted, attributed the deaths El Nino, the warming of the Pacific’s surface temperature. What you’re not being told, is that the 2,000 dead fowl aren’t dead, but rather transitioning from birds to zombie birds. Soon they will rise from their South American burial grounds to join the bears in the animal kingdom battalion of the zombie army. El Nino. Sure, that’s what Zombie Al Gore will have you believe.

3. DICK CHENEY IS A ZOMBIE LEADER

Former Vice-President and political puppeteer Dick Cheney is 179 years old, has survived 11 heart attacks, and has shot people for sport. Headshots has unnamed sources that will confirm that at some point during the Reagan administration, Cheney was attacked in a Tuscon nightclub by zombies, and since then has been the defacto US leader of the domestic zombie movement. Our sources also confirm that all weaponry and armies manufactured by Halliburton’s secret subsidiaries are useless against zombie forces. A zombie AND a military-industrialist-warlord-capitalist. What a Dick.

4. WAIF MODELS

Much of what is written in criticism of the modeling industry concerns itself with the anemic models with photoshopped bodies, impossibly thin, and appearing as if they’ve just OD’d on heroine and crack. Once again, the mainstream media has missed out on the real story. The waif models, lead by Kate Moss, are actually undead, and are encouraging a generation to weaken themselves by trying to live up to the impossible standards of their aesthetic. The biggest threat to your teenage daughter with low self-esteem is not celebrity culture or their creepy English prof, but rather an undead army of zombie models that is planning to hunt them down. And in their conditions, they won’t be able to out run them. Have a cheeseburger, and fight back!

5. VIOLENCE IN SPORT

The sporting landscape has seen violence increase exponentially in the past quarter decade. Football players are huge, ‘roided up, and wearing Kevlar strength padding designed for the Marines. Hockey players regularly concuss each other with violent headshots. Basketball and baseball players…well, they’ll be the first to go because their hockey and football brethren are unliving examples of the zombie army. They are killed by zombie management upon being drafted or signed to entry-level contracts. They are the frontlines of the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Consider the prominent murderers, manslaughterers, dog killers, convicted and not, in each sport: Dany Heatley, Ray Lewis, Ray Carruth, Michael Vick, Glenn Sharpe, Rob Ramage, Craig MacTavish, the list goes on. Not only are they zombies, but they are wealthy and famous zombies, the worst kind.

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Mike Spry is the author of JACK (Snare Books, 2008), which was shortlisted for the 2009 Quebec Writers’ Federation A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry, and he was longlisted for the 2010 Journey Prize. His most recent work is Distillery Songs (Insomniac Press, 2011).

Illustration by Lasse Mathiesen Køhlert. Check out the Danish artist’s work here and here.

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Headshots: Let’s Blow This Fascist Popsicle Stand
Headshots: If it Ain’t Illegal in Arizona, it Ain’t Funny
Headshots: Strange Bed Etiquette: 5 Rules of Engagement 

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