Virgin, homophobic, Christian fundamentalist, generally phobic NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots after a failed season with the New York Jets. Tebow, a college superstar at Florida, and a reasonable success in Denver with the Broncos, has a build and skill set that doesn’t sit well with the pro football establishment. His throwing motion is awkward. His build is more derivative of a tightend or a QB in a Madea suit. he gets more attention than a third rate NFLer should. But, alas, Tebow is a headline in waiting, and will always get a chance. So, here at Headshots, we’re going to make things right.
Here’s how to fix his career: Heavy amounts of fucking.
I’ve made this argument before, on national television no less, that pro football quarterbacks can’t be virgins. Well, maybe in the CFL. But, for the most part, professional athletes need to revel in sexual awareness, and usually promiscuity, in order to be a success. Athletes renowned for fierce sexual appetites have graced the sports pages for as long as there were sports pages: Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, Alex Rodriguez, every NFL linebacker ever, the list goes on. Oddly, very few hockey players, but we imagine that has to do with the difficulties of getting laid if you’re a toothless Canadian no one has ever heard of.
So, in order to fix his herky-jerky throwing motion, and give him a chance at NFL stardom, Headshots suggests five modes of laidness (laiditude? laying? layvishness?) for Tim Tebow to correct his lacking football prowess.
1. Gold Ole Christian Hetero Lovin’
This will be the easiest for Tebow to adapt to. Heterosexual Christian intercourse is as close as you can get to virginity while still poppin’ cherries.
Heterosexual Christian intercourse allows for sexual activity only in certain instances: Wedding night, procreation, and Super Bowl wins. All Timmy Blue Balls needs to do is find a nice lady, marry her, retreat to the honeymoon suite at the Hilton, get little Timmy to run a slant pattern into Mrs. Tebow’s red zone, drop off his pass, and TOUCHDOWN! Suddenly, Tebow will be able to hit receivers and read defenses like Aaron Rodgers on Ativan.
Yay Christianity! Yay intercourse! Yay ejaculation!
2. Homosexual Experimentation
In the wake of the brave and admirable coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, it’s apparent that North American pro sport is (finally) ready to join the twentieth (that’s right, two decades slow) century. What we need post-Collins is a player in the spotlight to admit his homosexuality. Enter Tebow. If Tebow’s a virgin, how does he really know if he likes boys or girls. I didn’t know I was straight until I loved up on Evelyn Anderson in the back of my parents’ Honda Civic Wagovan in grade 10. Plus, you know, Tebow has spent most of his life “under center”.
Maybe a man is just what Tim Tim needs to get his throwing motion fluid. Is that a euphemism?
3. Greedy Bisexuality
Tebow seems to like having it all. A worshipped athlete from a young age, Timmy is used to opulence: NCAA championship, Heisman, 1st round NFL pick, playoff upset over the Pittsburgh Steelers, and awards and ribbons and trophies to fill three sets of parents’ basements. And in terms of sexuality, what is more opulent, greedy, trophy-like than bisexuality.
Bisexuals can enter any room and just think, “Let’s get us some!” Tebow could not only cure his football woes, achieve the successes he so desperately desires, and make all other players look like prudes, but he could also get a shittone of action. The interns, including our newest addition “Stu”, voted heavily in favor of this option, and even volunteered to make it a reality in a Days Inn in Jacksonville.
4. Getting’ Down on a Kardashian
This is the TMZ route. The pop culture icon route. The Dancing with the Stars season 21 option. Tebow would just need to head out to Bruce Jenner’s talentless fembot farm in California, and chose him and Kardashian or Jenner or whatever bikini candid stars they’re growing for US magazine.
He’d be back on the front pages of every rag mag in the USA. He’d be the opening segment of every news cast from Anderson Cooper to Wolf Blitzer. Barbara Walters would do a special. And, most importantly, those girls get them some. Tebow’d be able to audible at the line of scrimmage and hit a receiver in triple coverage on and out pattern in his sleep after a round with a Jenndashian.
5. The Weird Go Pro
The phrase Headshots has employed most commonly is from the late, great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” In the context of Tebow and the fact he’s never ejaculated into a real live being, and as such throwing a football like an angry Thalidomide baby, we’re going to flip Thompson’s salve on its head.
The pro needs to turn weird. Tebow’s gotta go on a sexual field trip that’ll shame Lionel Hutz and get Madonna working on a second book. Tebow’s gotta Te-bag everything that’s legal and consenting. And video tape it. And have Swedish midgets involved. And electric eels. And a Masai dude with a sword who narrates the nasty in a Scottish accent. And then Tebow puts it on the Internet for free. And then he wins a Super Bowl and the MVP.
But, most importantly, he’ll have gotten laid.